Conversations with Family & Friends
by theputz913
Summary: This will be a series of oneshots of conversations between the characters in Castle. It is a companion piece to my other story "Conversations With Mom".
1. Chapter 1

Hi,Mrs. Beckett, it's me, Rick Castle. I'm sure that you are probably wondering why me of all people would show up to visit you. Kate has told me several times how comforting and helpful it is for her when she comes here to talk to you. I am hoping that sharing my secret with you can give me the insight and courage I need to tell the woman that I love that I have been keeping something from her. I know that she is going to be very angry with me when she finds out about it. I know I need to tell her but I don't even know how to bring it up. Honestly, I am scared to death that she will walk away for good this time. She is going to feel so betrayed. So here I am seeking your counsel.

A man called me not long after Kate returned to the 12th after her shooting. He claimed to be a friend of Captain Montgomery's. He told me that Roy had sent him some very damning information about the people behind your murder. Roy's friend says he can use the information to keep Kate safe only if she stops investigating your murder. He told me that is she keeps going after this they will kill her. Fearing for her safety, I went to Kate and asked her to step away from your case until she was healed and able to physically handle it. She said she would step away but I don't know how long that will last. You of all people know how stubborn that woman is. I understand that she needs closure with your death but what good is finding closure if it gets her killed in the process?

I don't know if Kate has been by lately or if she has talked to you about the case we had where every sign pointed to the mayor being the prime suspect. During that case, Montgomery's friend contacted me again. These people behind your death were also behind setting the mayor up. This man met with me during the case to give me a tip of where to look so we could exonerate the mayor. He also told me that the people who want to keep Kate safe have found it very important to keep things as they are. They need the mayor to stay in office and for him to keep me in place at the precinct. We are apparently all pawns in a game to keep your daughter alive and safe. I don't like being used, Mrs. Beckett, but I will accept the hand that I am dealt if it means keeping Kate safe.

I love your daughter more than anyone in my life, with the exception of my daughter. As a father, I know that I would do anything to keep Alexis safe. So know this, I will do everything in my power to keep your daughter safe for you as well. I know that Kate will be devastated when my secret comes out but I have to protect her from these men and to some extent, herself. She has lost herself numerous times in her quest to solve your murder. We have all tried to be the voice of reason with her where your case is concerned, but she can't see beyond this quest once she gets onto something. If she chooses to walk away from me, from the "us" that we both want someday, I will accept it. I would rather be without her in my life and know that she is safe than to watch her die in her search for closure. I will just have to settle with having loved her from afar and know that she is safe and alive somewhere out there.

Oh, I brought you these. Kate said you always had flowers around when you were alive. Thanks for listening.

Until next time Mrs. Beckett.


	2. Chapter 2

Hi, Dad. I am so glad you decided to meet me for an early dinner.

No problem, Katie. I was just surprised by the call. Why aren't you at work? It is 5 o'clock on a weekday. Is something wrong? Did something happen at work? Are you okay?

Dad I'm fine, just a day off. It's the first one I've had in over a week. Nothing is wrong. I was just thinking about you earlier today. I went for a run earlier and ended up at the cemetery. I spent some time talking to mom and noticed that someone had left her a beautiful bouquet of flowers. It made me think of you. Where did you find such gorgeous flowers in the middle of a New York winter?

What flowers? I haven't been to see your mom since the anniversary of her death weeks ago.

Who else would give mom flowers? As far as I know, we are the only ones who ever visit her. We are her only family. Right?

Yes, honey, we are her only family but many people loved your mom. Anyone could have put those flowers there.

It just seems odd Dad. Today isn't her birthday or the anniversary of her death. It is just a normal old weekday.

What are you thinking Kate? I can see the wheels spinning in that brain of yours. You aren't going to let this drop until you know who put the flowers there are you? I guess it is yet another mystery for you to solve. You can't just take a day off can you?

Don't be silly. Of course, I can take a day off. It just seems strange that Mom had fresh flowers on her grave this morning and they weren't from either one of us.

How are you doing? How is your therapy going?

I know what your doing. Not a very subtle or pleasant subject change old man!

I am serious young lady! How is your therapy going? Are you making progress?

I am finished with my physical therapy and I am only going to see Doctor Burke occasionally now. I am finally starting to feel comfortable in my own skin. I think I have made great strides towards becoming the person I want to be.

Who do you want to be?

I want to be a better person. I want to stop closing people out and I want to be able to let go of her case. I want to be happy. I want to be the kind of person that he deserves.

The person who deserves? Am I to assume that the "HIM" you are referring to is Mr. Castle?

Yes, that is exactly who I am talking about. You know what I put him through this summer. I was so cruel to him. I cut myself off from all of them. I avoided Lanie, the boys and especially Rick for months. How could I be so selfish? They were hurting and scared too.

Kate, you were shot! You had lost your Captain! You had every right to take some time to yourself and clear your head. I am sure your friends understood. You just needed some time.

You're right Dad. I had experienced so much tragedy in the matter of a few days, losing Montgomery, being shot, almost dying. I did need to get some distance from all of it. But if I am truly honest with you and myself, there was another reason I ran away and hid from everyone. It is probably the most important reason.

Is there something that you haven't told me Kate?

Yes, the only person I have told this to is Doctor Burke.

Can you tell me? It's okay if you can't. You can tell me when you are ready. I won't judge you. You might feel better if you tell someone what is bothering you and why you ran. Your words, not mine.

Dad, I told everyone who knows me that I don't remember anything about being shot. I claimed that everything is just a blank. I lied! I remember everything about that day. I remember being at the podium giving the eulogy and Castle yelling my name. I remember the feeling of that bullet ripping through my chest and being tackled to the ground.

It's okay it's all over now. You're fine. You are getting better everyday. I am here for you honey.

No! Nothing is okay Dad! When I was lying there bleeding to death in Rick's arms, he told me that he loved me. He loves me Daddy and I told him I don't remember anything! I looked him right in the eye in May and lied to him. I sent him away with the promise to call and I never did. I have been keeping this from him for months! He is going to hate me when he finds out about this secret that I have kept from him. He won't be able to be in the same room as me let alone love me when he finds out.

Oh, Katie, that explains some of the stuff that went on at the hospital why you were in surgery and why he looked so devastated. Do you want to hear this? It might not be easy for you?

Hear what? What happened while I was in surgery Dad?

Josh came down the hall ranting, "This is all your fault. You pushed her to look into her Mother's case!" Josh shoved him into the wall and your partners had to intervene.

Castle just sat there covered in your blood with his head in his hands. He said Josh was right that it was his fault that you were shot. That he put you in the crosshairs. I also think he feels guilty about not being able to protect you.

Why would he feel guilty? It's not his job to protect me?

I went to see him the night before your captain was killed and asked him to convince you to walk away. I told him that he might be the only one who could. I could see it in his eyes then how much he cares about you.

You what?

I'm sorry Katie. I couldn't lose you to this too!

Dad! Oh my God, that is why he came to my apartment that night. We got into a huge fight when he asked me to walk away. He came for you!

I knew there was more to his visit. He never gives up on anything. Now I understand why he was so adamant about me walking away!

Katie, you realize, the longer you wait to tell him that you remember, the harder it will be and the angrier he will have?

Yes, especially in light of what you just told me. I sent him away when he needed me the most. He was probably hurting as much as I was! What have I done to him? He has every right to never speak to me again after I tell him.

He loves you Honey. You heard him say it.

Do you think he still does?

He may get angry and be hurt but he needs to know. He needs to hear the truth from you and soon!

I know that but how to I tell him and risk destroying my chance at a future with him?

Are you going to tell him? What does Dr. Burke say about this? Is he encouraging you to come forward?

He says that if I want any kind of relationship with Rick that I need to be honest with him. He says I need to tell him that I remember and most importantly I need to tell him how I feel about him.

How do you feel about Rick? Huh, when did you start calling him Rick?

I don't know when I started calling him something other than Castle. Maybe it all started when I realized that I was in love with him too!

Oh.

What?

I can't believe that you actually admitted that you are in love with him. You said it out loud and to me, your dad. You never talked to me about boyfriends or stuff like that with me before. That was always your mom's department.

I still talk to Mom about this stuff. That is kind of what I was there earlier today about.

So, when are you going to tell him?

I want to be fully ready to commit my whole heart to him. But…

But… you aren't quite there yet?

I am closer than I ever have been. I just need a little more time to prepare myself for what my life will be like without Mom's case being at the forefront of my life. I have decided with my therapist's help that I need to walk away from it. I need to live my life and be happy. I have to believe that she won't be disappointed in me.

Your mother would never be disappointed in you for setting her case aside in favor of your own happiness. All we ever wanted for you was to be happy.

That is what the shrink says too! I just have to convince myself that it's true.

Dad, all of this has made me see how much I have missed you. We need to make more of an effort to spend time together. We've lost so much time already.

I have missed you too Honey. Maybe, we can meet for a meal or just a cup of coffee and good conversation once a week or whenever my beautiful daughter can get a day off from work.

It's a date! Thanks for listening to me and joining me for dinner.

Maybe next time we do this, you will have some good news for me. Or, maybe a certain writer/shadow could join us?

Maybe! I better get going. I have a few errands to run before the stores close. I'll call you when I get another day off from work. I love you Dad.

Love you too! I'll talk to you soon. Bye.

Bye.


	3. Chapter 3

**12th Precinct**

_Concentrate. You need to plow through this paperwork. The sooner you finish it, the sooner you can move on to something more fun. My mind keeps drifting back to last night's dinner with my dad. How could Josh blame Castle? I knew that Josh didn't like him, but seriously. He was standing there covered in my blood and he shoves him? Why did I let him stick around so long anyway? I don't know, Katie, hiding much? I need to keep my mind on the job and stop glancing over at Castle and the boys who are engaged in some childish game instead of doing their paperwork. I really need to talk to Rick about this or it is going to drive me crazy. Who am I kidding, I am nuts! I'm already seeing a shrink! Doesn't that say a lot about my mental state right there? I need to get out of here for a while. It's almost lunch. What the hell! No time like the present._

Hey Castle. Do you want to grab some lunch?

Yeah, I guess. What do you want? I'll call it in now.

No, I mean…do you want to go out with me to get a bite to eat?

Are you okay, Kate? You are willingly going to lunch and I didn't even have to nag you about it.

I'm fine. I'm starving and this mountain of paperwork will still be here when we come back.

Shall we hit Remy's?

No, I was thinking we could grab a slice over by the park. It's another warm day and the fresh air will do me good.

Who are you and what have you done with Beckett?

Shut up! Are you coming?

Right behind you!

Park Bench two blocks from the 12th

_He probably thinks that I have totally lost my mind. My behavior seems so out of character for the Detective Beckett that I have been over the last several years. I guess maybe all that therapy is paying off. I made Dr. Burke a promise that I was going to put my past behind me and try to be more than I am. I need to start somewhere and there is nobody that deserves my attention more than the man who is currently walking towards me with a couple slices of pizza in his hands and a couple bottles of water in his coat pockets. I wish we could just sit here for a while in the comfortable silence that we are way too good at. But, I know my "weirdness" is driving him crazy. He isn't going to be able to handle the silence. We leave too much unsaid between us. I need some answers and he needs me to open up and be honest with him._

What? Why are you looking at me like that Castle?

Something's different about you today. Did something happen yesterday? Did you not have a good day off?

Actually, I had an interesting day off.

Do tell. You know I'm a sucker for a good story. Spill it Detective. I want all of the juicy details.

What juicy details? My life isn't an episode of Temptation Lane.

No, you are far more interesting than a soap opera. Seriously, what happened yesterday?

You seem like you have a lot on your mind today. You don't usually make excuses to leave the precinct. Even when it is just boring old paperwork.

I went for a run yesterday to clear my head and to enjoy the warm weather. Without even realizing it I ended up at the cemetery. I figured I should go visit my mom since I was there.

What do you think drew you to the cemetery? You said you were trying to clear your head. Maybe you were just seeking out the comfort of your mom's memory? You said talking to her helps you get perspective some times. Was there something bothering you yesterday? Did you feel better once you talked to her?

No, nothing in particular was bothering me. I was actually enjoying the idea of a day off.

You?

Yes, me. Even I need a day off to recharge every now and then. I did feel better after talking to Mom, but then I noticed a beautiful bouquet of flowers. It made me wonder who had stopped to visit my mom.

Why would you wonder about that? I am sure more people go see your mom than you could even know. She did good work and touched a lot of lives.

I know that, but someone had been there that same morning and it wasn't her birthday or the anniversary of her death. There was nothing special about yesterday's date that related to my mom or her case.

Did you talk to your dad about this? Maybe he took the flowers?

No, it wasn't Daddy. He only goes to visit her on their anniversary, her birthday, January 9th, or when he is having a rough time. Besides, I know it wasn't him. I had dinner with him last night. He asked my why I was so curious about a bunch of flowers.

Oh. … So, have you figured out who it was then? Do you have any clues to your own personal mystery?

No, it's just weird, that's all.

Maybe somebody else finds talking to your mom comforting or helpful in some way. Maybe it was someone who just wanted to feel closer to you.

What do you mean? What does this have to do with me?

I, uh…

Wait… it was you wasn't it Castle? You brought my mom flowers?

Uh, yeah, you caught me. I was out running errands and happened to be over that way and thought I would visit with her.

Rick…

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to overstep. It's just… you were right, it is very soothing to talk to her and I didn't even know her. Maybe it is just having someone who will listen to everything you say and not interrupt or judge.

It's okay. You didn't. It's kind of sweet that you thought of her. What did you talk to her about if you don't mind me asking?

I was actually talking about you. You are never far from my thoughts Kate.

Castle.

I know. You don't want to talk about it. You never want to talk about it.

_Wait. Don't walk away from me! I finally have my courage up and I need to do this now before I run from what is between us again._

Wait. There is something I want to talk to you about. I guess now is a good a time as any.

What is it Kate? You have my undivided attention.

Hang on… Let me call the boys and tell them we will be late coming back from lunch so they can cover if Gates asks where we are. 'Ryan, Castle and I are going to be a gone a little longer than anticipated. Call me if you need us. Cover for me if Gates asks."

Are we covered?

Yeah, Ryan said he would call if something comes up. My dad said something to me last night that I need to ask you about.

I'm listening? What does a conversation with your dad have to do with me?

He told me about…

Spit it out Beckett.

He told me what happened at the hospital while I was in surgery. What I want to know is why didn't you tell me about that day?

Why would you want to hear about that? You were in surgery. I'm sure a lot of things happened that I don't even remember from that day. Everyone was very emotional Kate.

I think you know exactly what part of that day I am referring to. Why didn't you tell me what happened between you and Josh?

What was I supposed to say? Was I supposed to come running to you and tell on Dr. Motorcycle Boy? When was I supposed to tell you that your "boyfriend" shoved me into a wall and blamed me for you getting shot? It didn't seem important when I came to see you in the hospital after you woke up. I was just so glad to see that you were alive and smiling back at me. Would it have made a difference if I had told you that day? Would it have changed anything that happened? Would you have dumped Josh right then? Would you have stayed? Would you have needed less time?

I…I

Let me answer that for you. No, it wouldn't have made a difference. You still would have run away. It's what you do.

_Boy, he really does know me better than I know myself. How does he do that? I knew this discussion was going to be tough but damn! I owe it to him to hear him out. I did start this and I need to know what he was thinking._

I'm sorry Castle.

Are you sorry that it wouldn't have changed anything? Or are you sorry that you ran?

I'm sorry that I hurt you Rick. That wasn't my intention. I have no idea what you went through after I was shot or over the summer when I shut you out.

You're right. You have no idea how much pain we were all in. You cut all of us out last summer. It was like we lost you all over again. Do you really want to know what it was like?

Only what you are willing to share. I know I hurt you.

Lanie and I watched you die in that ambulance Kate! Lanie rode the gurney down that hallway pumping your chest. We were fighting for you to stay with us! We waited for hours in that waiting room covered in your blood. God Kate! There was so much blood. We thought we would never see you again. Yes, Josh shoved me. He was angry! We were all angry! He was right though. It was my fault! I was the reason you got shot!

No! It was never your fault. How…

Kate, if I just left her case alone, none of this would have happened. Montgomery would still be alive and you wouldn't have gotten shot!

We still would have ended up here eventually. Raglan still would have gotten sick and sought me out. I would have still ended up down the rabbit hole again. I would never have gotten Coonan without you digging into the case. I don't blame you. You didn't pull that trigger!

Kate…

No Rick, it isn't your fault and you can't blame yourself for what those monsters started all of those years ago. If therapy has taught me anything, it's that there are some things that are out of our control and we have to do the best with the hand we are dealt. My therapy is helping me come to terms with my mom's death and my other issues. I am trying to get better. I want to be more than my mom's case. I want to be more for you.

_Oh, shit! Did I just really admit that to him?_

What… What are you saying Kate?

I think I told you this back on the swings already. I thought you hung on my every word?

Huh?

I told you that until that wall came down that I couldn't have the kind of relationship that I wanted. I was talking about you…us.

Us? Do you mean…?

Yes that is what I mean. For a wordsmith you sure aren't doing too hot here. Us is a small word Castle.

Yeah, but this "us" is HUGE! This "us" is you and me?

Isn't that what that particular pronoun is used for?

Yes, but you know what I am trying to say. I do love a woman that knows the proper use of the English language.

_Did he just say what I think he said? Did he say he loved me again?_

I know exactly what you are trying to say. I do want "us" but I am not there yet. I just want you to know that I am working hard for "us". I just need a little more time.

I can wait, especially since you have dangled such a delicious carrot out there for me to look forward to. I would wait forever for you. Just don't shut me out Kate. I don't think I could take that again.

I just hope I am worth the wait.

I have no doubt that you will be. The real thing is going to be so much better than the fantasies!

I don't know…you do have a pretty vivid imagination!

Yeah, but you my dear detective are extraordinary. I would follow you anywhere.

You already do! You have been doing that for several years now.

Are we okay?

Yeah, you just need to be patient with me.

I so want to kiss you right now.

Slow down there, tiger. Will you settle for hug?

I'll take anything that I can get. Especially, since it is you were talking about.

What is that supposed to mean?

You aren't usually this open and vulnerable. And you certainly aren't the hugging type.

We better head back before the boys start using their overactive imaginations as to why we have taken this "extra long" lunch.

I'm sure Esposito has already sent a text to Lanie about this. If she is waiting by my desk when we get back to the 12th. Save yourself. I can handle Lanie but she would eat you alive.

Are you saying I can't handle our favorite M.E.?

She will have you spilling your guts inside of five minutes! Have you seen all of those sharp instruments she has in the morgue?

Why aren't you worried?

I have a gun remember? Let's go. It is starting to cool off out here anyway.

You want to grab a coffee on the way back?

How about you get the coffee and I'll get to work on my pile of boring paperwork? Or, I could get the coffee and you could do some paperwork for once.

Nah, I'll get the coffee. Gates doesn't appreciate my glorious prose anyway!


	4. Chapter 4

_I hear the bell sound from the elevator to alert me that I have reached my floor back at the precinct. As the doors open I see Lanie pacing near Javi's desk. I look down, hoping she hasn't caught sight of me yet and fire off a quick text to Castle._

**RUN! LANIE IS CIRCLING THE BULLPEN LIKE A SHARK ON CHUM. I'LL UNDERSTAND IF YOU HEAD HOME. KB.**

_Good, she still hasn't seen me yet. I have time to collect my thoughts before she begins her assault. I know I just gave him an out. Lanie will cut him from the heard and devour him in one bite if she even catches wind of anything. Castle would be child's play for her. She would see it in his eyes that something has changed. It will be hard enough for me to stone wall her. I need to ask her what she remembers. My phone alerts me to an incoming text._

**ARE YOU SURE? WHAT ABOUT YOUR COFFEE? I'LL GO HOME AND WRITE IF YOU WANT ME TO. RC**

_Crap, she spotted me._

**SAVE YOURSELF! KB**

Hey, girl. Where have you been? We were supposed to grab lunch today.

Something came up Lanie. I needed to get out of here for a little while.

Did Writer-Boy help you with that?

It's not like that. I needed to talk to him privately.

Ooh. Is that what you're going to call it?

Lanie! Nothing happened. I just needed to ask him something without the whole precinct within earshot of the conversation. You know nothing stays private for long around here!

Sorry Kate. What was so important that you couldn't talk here? What did he do now? Do the boys need to "talk to him"?

No.

Where is Castle anyway?

He had some writing to do and we don't have a case right now anyway so I told him to go do his real job.

Girl, you know he would rather sit here and have eye-sex with you!

Will you stop? I am sorry about lunch. Rain check?

You can have the rain check if you tell me what the hell was so important that you blew off lunch with your best friend to "talk" to Castle.

Can we go in the break room for this? I don't want to talk in front of the boys.

Let's go.

Lanie, what happened after I got shot?

What? Where is this coming from? Why now?

My dad said some stuff about what happened in waiting room when I had dinner with him. It has been bugging me ever since.

What did he tell you? Is this why you and Castle disappeared?

He told me about Josh shoving Castle and the emotions of the day.

Are you sure you want to talk about this now, Sweetie?

I need to hear it from your point of view Lanie. I have heard my dad's side and now I know Rick's point of view.

Did you just call him Rick?

_Damn, I can't slip anything by her. I am going to have to be more careful if I don't want to give anything away. Especially, once I finally let Rick all the way in._

Don't.

Uh… Anyway. Once Javi let me go to you at the cemetery, I never left your side until I was forced to at the hospital. You flat-lined in route to the ER. I guess my medical training took over. I was not going to let you die if I could help it. I was pressing on your wound and trying to keep you alive. I remember screaming at you, "Do not die" and I remember saying something about you being my friend and the nurse telling me, "switch, we got this and let us save her life". The next thing I remember is Castle coming up behind me covered in your blood. We watched them take you down that too bright hallway to surgery. We all thought that was the last time we would ever see you alive.

_I never thought I would see you guys again once everything went black at the cemetery. I thought I would never get to look into those gorgeous blue eyes or tell him I love him too. I thought I missed my chance to finally be happy. I should have talked to her about this summer sooner. I have been so unfair to everyone. I should have been a better friend to her, the boys and Rick. I just hope they can forgive me and I can be a better friend going forward. I owe them that much._

I'm so sorry Lanie.

Don't be sorry, honey, you're here, alive.

What do you remember about the waiting room?

I remember Josh striding down the hall shouting. He blamed Castle for forcing you to look into your mother's case and shoved him into the wall. Javi stepped between them to prevent it from escalating. Josh stomped off and Castle slid down the wall and put his head in his hands, said Josh was right and it was his fault that you had gotten shot. Martha told him that he didn't shoot you, but he insisted that he is the one that put you in the cross-hairs. He was so broken, honey. I have never seen someone so visibly shaken. I don't think he would have survived if you hadn't made it through surgery. We were all devastated by that day but I think he took it harder than any of the rest of us. He threw himself into helping the boys day and night. The first glimmer of the real Castle came when your dad called to tell us that you were awake.

He came to see me that day. He looked so happy, standing there with that dopey grin on his face and made some dumb joke about opening a flower shop.

What did Josh do when Castle showed up?

You could feel the tension as Josh left the room. I didn't really notice anything else other than the smile that broke out on my face when I saw my partner. He looked so nervous and …

What?

Haunted? There was something different in his eyes. I don't know if it was fear or relief.

Honey, that man is head over heels in love with you. Of course it was relief!

I was so unfair to all of you. I was a selfish jerk, Lanie!

What do you mean?

I sent him away and I cut myself off from all of you. I am so sorry for what I did over the summer. I just needed to get myself together before I could face any of you. I was a mess.

Kate, you were shot in the chest at your captain's funeral. Of course you were a mess. You almost died. Twice! I think your behavior can be forgiven.

No Lanie, I may have been a mess, but you guys just wanted to help. Castle told me he felt like he had lost me all over again when I cut him out. I should have called or sent a text. I didn't contact him once in three months! I didn't even have the guts to call you and let you know that I was coming back to the city early. I should have called you myself and told you I was coming back to work instead of just letting the boys blurt that out during my first case back. You are my best friend and I don't want to lose you because of my own self-destructive behavior.

Kate.

No, I never took into consideration how my silence affected you guys. I just did what I do best. I hid from my feelings, my shooting, and my friends.

I forgive you. I think we all have. We're all just glad you are okay now.

I'm not okay but I am getting closer.

Now, dish! Where is Writer-Boy now? What really happened at lunch?

Lanie.

Would you tell me if something did happen?

He really did go home to write and you would be the first person I would share any news with. After all, you are running the pool, right?

What pool?

I'm a detective Lanie. Tweedledee and Tweedledumb aren't exactly subtle.

Damn, girl. How long have you known?

I've known far too long.

I will exchange my rain check for a shopping excursion in the near future. We do have to find something gorgeous for you to wear on your date with Writer-boy.

What date?

You are going with him to the scholarship dinner, right?

Yes. I need to get back to work before Gates charges me with a vacation day since I haven't done a thing all day but talk about my drama filled life.

Call me later to set up our shopping trip. If you ditch me again, Imma smack you!

Bye Lanie.


	5. Chapter 5

Castle's Loft

Hello, Mother.

Richard, what are you doing home so early? Did you run out of murder and mayhem or did Detective Beckett kick you out again?

No, Beckett didn't send me home. I had some writing to get done and all she was doing was boring paperwork.

I thought you liked sitting around staring at Beckett.

I do but I really need to get these next couple of chapters outlined and off to Gina. They are due to her tomorrow anyway.

I will leave you to it then Kiddo!

Thanks, Mother.

Oh, Richard?

Yes.

I was just wondering if you were going to be here this evening?

Yes, unless Beckett calls about a body drop. Why?

I am having some of my colleagues and students over later for drinks before we head off to the theater.

Why can't you have them meet at your school or some place near the theater?

Oh, Richard.

Mother, if this is a set up, I'm not interested. You know how I feel about Kate.

Yes, I do but…

No, there are no buts. She is the only one I am interested in.

But she has made it very clear that she isn't available right now.

I told her I would wait for her.

How long? You're not exactly known for your patience kiddo.

It's complicated

How?

Mother, you know all about her past. How hard she struggled with her mother's death and Montgomery's death not to mention being shot in the chest.

I remember the shooting. How could I not? I also remember what her shooting and the aftermath did to you.

She almost died. I watched her heart stop in that ambulance.

We all care about her Richard. You know that but she makes you reckless. We could have just as easily lost you that day. What would have happened to Alexis if you succeeded in diving in front of that bullet meant for her?

She still has you, Kate, the guys. They would have been there for her.

But she wouldn't have had you, her father!

I have been through this with you before. Yes, following Beckett can be dangerous. But I could be killed crossing the street or doing simple tasks like going to the bank.

That's not fair Richard.

No, but it is a fact. Of all people you should know that. I am her partner. I need to be there for her.

Would she do the same for you?

Yes. I know she would. She got us out of that bank didn't she? She has always done her best to make sure that I come home to Alexis and you every night. How could you even question that? She has saved me more times than I think she even realizes. She makes me a better man.

Have you forgotten what last summer was like for you? You were miserable.

No, I haven't forgotten but I have come to terms with it. The summer was bad for you, Alexis and me. Did you ever stop to think about how hard the summer was for her?

If it was so hard for her, why didn't she reach out to you? She closed everyone out.

Her dad was there.

It's not the same and you know it. You are her partner, her friend. Your words, not mine.

It's complicated.

Complicated how? Explain it so an old woman can understand it then.

I love her Mother.

I know but what is complicated about that?

She doesn't remember me telling her. She doesn't remember that day.

Tell her again.

I can't.

For a writer, you are horrible with words when they matter most.

I don't want to scare her away. She is still trying to put her life back together. She has too much on her plate right now.

Richard, there is no such thing as the perfect time. You have been following her around for almost four years. Just tell her. How much more time are you two kids going to waste? You two know that there are no guarantees. You would think that what happened last May would have sunk into your thick heads by now.

She's not ready for a relationship right now.

How do you know? Maybe she is waiting for you to tell her how you feel.

She … I just know.

Did something happen between you and Beckett?

No. We just talked.

When and what was the topic?

Today, she asked me what happened after she was shot.

Why now?

She had dinner with her dad and he must have mentioned what happened in the waiting room.

Oh, between you and the doctor?

Yes, that and he must have told her that I blamed myself for her getting shot.

What did you tell her?

I told her everything that I could remember. I told her about Lanie and I watching her die in the ambulance, being covered in her blood. I told her about the altercation with Josh and how I blamed myself for what happened to her.

What did she say?

She told me that it wasn't my fault. I didn't shoot her. She apologized for not calling during the summer. She just needed some time to get herself together because she was a mess both mentally and physically. She said…

What?

She said she can't have the kind of relationship that she wants until her walls come down.

Why are you smiling?

She told me that she is trying to get better for me, us. She wants a there to be an "us". She just needs a little more time. She needs to be a little less broken and her therapy is helping with that.

Oh, Richard.

Now will you stop with the fix-ups?

Sorry, kiddo. I just want to see you happy.

I know, but Kate is the only one I can be happy with!

I hope so. I really do hope so too.

Thank you Mother. Now I really need to get some writing done! Don't you have friends to entertain?

Yes. I'll leave you to your work darling.


	6. Chapter 6

Kate's Apartment

_My apartment is too quiet. It is giving me too much time alone to think. I can't get my mind off of today's events. It was an eye-opening experience for me to say the least. I should have talked to them sooner. I really had no idea what they all went through in the hospital or my three-month long disappearing act. I owe them all more than just an apology. _

_I can't believe Lanie held her tongue all this time. She is usually so outspoken. I am surprised she let me get away with shutting her out. I usually can't get her to let things go. Maybe I hurt her more than she is willing to tell me. Maybe she just knew how messed up I really was. She's still my best friend even though I haven't been very deserving of her friendship lately. I am going to have to make more of an effort to be a better friend to her and show her how much she means to me. I think spending a little girl time with Lanie is just what I really need to start mending that fence. Plus, she has such a great eye. I need all of the help I can get picking out the perfect dress for the scholarship dinner that will be here before I know it. I know she will try to encourage me to go out of my comfort zone and pick out a sexy dress for the sole purpose of getting a reaction out of a certain writer. _

_Rick. I can't believe how well that conversation went. I was a little worried about having such a meaningful talk with him. We never talk about anything important. I know that it is mostly my fault. I didn't realize how much of myself that I hide away from the people who mean the most to me until he confronted me about running away. I don't think I would've admitted anything to him if he hadn't called me on what I was sorry about. He was right though. It's what I do. I run from feelings and serious talks about them. Look what I did to him in May when I kicked him out for being brutally honest. I lashed out and hurt the one person who always stood by my side. I ran him off because he had me pegged right down to the meaningless relationships with men I don't love. I know now that it hurt him to say those things as much as it hurt me to hear them. He was trying so hard not to admit how he truly felt because he knew that I would run from it. I don't blame him. Maybe telling me he loved me when I got shot was his way of telling me when I didn't have the option to run. I had no choice but to hear his words. I'm kind of shocked that I blurted out that I want an "us". It was so worth it though just to see the hope in his eyes. Maybe that's why I said it. I knew I wasn't ready to tell him the secret that I have kept far too long, but what I did say could give him some sense of where I want to be and what I feel for him._

_Is he psychic? How did he know that I was thinking about him?_

**HOW DID IT GO WITH LANIE? RC**

**SURPRISINGLY WELL. **

**REALLY? NO BODILY HARM? **

**REALLY. SHE MIGHT HAVE TWISTED MY ARM. **

**DID YOU TELL HER WHAT WE TALKED ABOUT? **

**NO WAY. THAT WAS JUST FOR US. **

**REALLY? I MIGHT HAVE MENTIONED IT TO MOTHER. **

**YOU WHAT? **

**I'M SORRY. CAN I CALL OR COME OVER? **

**YOU CHOOSE. **

**SERIOUSLY? **

**IF YOU COME, YOU HAVE TO BRING FOOD! **

**WHAT KIND? **

**DOES IT MATTER? **

**IT MATTERS TO ME. **

**IT IS JUST FOOD, CASTLE. **

**I'LL BE THERE IN 20. **

**K**

_Shit, why did I tell him it was okay to come over? Am I ready for this? It has been a very emotional day as it is. Can I trust myself with him here in front me? It is just food, right? We have done this hundreds of times. Why does this have to be any different? Because I told him I want an "us" idiot! He won't push. He heard me say I still needed a little more time. Right? Breathe, Kate, your going to have a panic attack if you keep over thinking this. It will be fine. He just wants to make sure I am okay and maybe get a little reassurance about what I said at lunch. He wants to make sure "we" are okay._

_I stir at the faint sound of knocking. Has it been 20 minutes already?_

Hey.

Hey.

Are you sure it's okay for me to be here? I can leave the food and go?

It's fine Castle. Come in.

I don't want to push. I just wanted to make sure you were okay after today.

I can handle Lanie.

You know that isn't what I meant. Well, maybe part of it.

I know.

What did Lanie say? Is everything okay?

She gave me hard time. Apparently, I forgot that I was supposed to have lunch with her today.

So the guys didn't text her about our lengthy disappearance?

It didn't come up. I had to promise her a rain check on lunch and she might have convinced me to go shopping with her soon.

Is that what the arm-twisting was about? Shopping?

Yes. She can be very persuasive.

What reason did you give her for blowing off lunch?

I didn't blow her off, I just forgot. I had more important things on my mind at the time.

Sorry.

You have no reason to be sorry. It isn't your fault I forgot. Well not directly anyway.

Hey! In my defense, I had no idea what was running around in that head of yours until you whisked me off to lunch.

I don't whisk. You followed like you always do.

I resent that remark. I would like to think that I willingly accepted the invitation of a beautiful woman to join her for lunch.

Whatever you say Castle.

Anyway… speaking of food. I brought Italian. You okay with that?

Yeah, I told you it was your choice. I'm starving though. Let me get plates and forks from the kitchen. I'll be right back.

Do you need help?

No, unless you want to get the drinks. I have wine, beer, water and milk in the fridge.

I'm getting a beer, what do you want Kate?

_You mean, besides the ruggedly handsome writer in my living room? Whoa, where did that come from? I thought I wasn't ready for this? Maybe the emotions of the day have gotten to me more than I thought. Alcohol might not be a good idea for me tonight after all._

I think I will go with…uh…water thanks.

Water? Are you sure you are okay? I figured after your talk with Lanie you would need a drink.

Yeah, just don't feel like wine tonight.

So what did you and Lanie talk about?

She started off asking what you and I were up to that required an extra long lunch, especially since you weren't with me when I got back to the 12th. I explained that you had some writing to do since it is your real job. I knew she would buy that excuse.

Actually, that is exactly what I did after I got your text telling me to save myself. I figured I might as well do my "real job" for once since I had the time and what I thought would be an empty house for the afternoon.

What do you mean thought?

Mother came home and asked why I was home in the middle of the afternoon.

What did you tell her?

You first. I want to hear about your talk with Lanie.

Not much to tell. We talked about our conversation and…

Wait… you said you didn't tell her.

I didn't tell her about that part of it! I told her about the waiting room, my shooting, and the summer. Then, I asked her what she remembered about that day too.

What did she say?

She basically gave me the same account you did but from her point of view. She told me what she did after the shooting and on the way to the hospital. She told what she saw in the waiting room.

Kate?

She told me about your reaction. She told me about what Josh said to you and that you blamed yourself for everything. She told me…

What? I already told you about Josh and that I felt responsible.

She told me that she had never seen anyone as broken as you were that day.

Kate, I thought you were going to die. We…were all shaken. I thought I was losing one of the people I l… care about most in this world.

Rick.

Kate, are you sure you want to hear what I have to say?

_Do I want to hear him say it? Again. I already know how he feels. It's in his eyes, it's in the way he smiles and even in the way he brings me coffee every morning._

I…I think am. I think I am ready.

Sure?

_Once he says it with me sitting here looking in his eyes, there is no going back. I won't be able to hide from it anymore. It is going to force me to tell him everything._

I want to be done running Rick.

I thought… I was going to lose the love of my life. I thought I was going to lose, you, Kate.

_When did he grab my hand? Are those really my arms reaching out to hold him? How can I feel so sad and so ridiculously happy all at the same time?_

Kate?

I'm here. Can you just…

Just what, Kate?

Hold on to me? I need to catch my breath.

Are you okay?

Yeah, I just need a minute.

You can have all the time you need. I told you, I'm not going anywhere. I'll wait for you.

I don't think you will have to wait much longer. I think I just heard a huge section of my wall crumble.

Do you want me to go?

No.

No?

I would really like you to stay here with me but I think I would like that glass of wine after all.

One glass of wine coming up!

Thanks.

Do you want to watch some TV or a movie? I brought some with me. I left them on the island in the kitchen with the carryout containers. I brought some I think you would like.

Sure. I hope you brought something funny. I don't think I could handle anymore emotionally charged topics for a while.

I have the perfect movie for you. Miss Congeniality!

Really Castle?

What? Sandra Bullock is funny, she kicks ass and she's hot!

Bring me the whole bottle of wine while I put the movie in.

Do you have popcorn?

No, this isn't the Angelica Castle. Have you seen my cupboards? I'm lucky to have the necessities. I haven't been to the store in weeks.

Then you probably should steer clear of that milk in your fridge. It might be a good science project for Alexis though.

Shut up and get over here before I change my mind.

Go ahead and start it. I'll be there in a sec.

Wait. You didn't tell me what happened with Martha.

Oh, right. I didn't. Are you sure you don't just want to table that for another time and watch the stunning Ms. Bullock?

Spill it!

Okay. Mother wanted to know why I was home so early. She asked me if we had run out of murder and mayhem or if you had kicked me out of the precinct again. I told her no, that I just needed to get some writing done and you were just doing boring paperwork anyway.

You know, if my paperwork bores you so much, you shouldn't stick around and stare at me while I do it so often then.

I like staring at you though.

It's creepy. Now get on with your story!

She wanted to know if I would be home later because she had invited some of her colleagues and students over for drinks before they made their rounds in the theater district.

Why would she care if you were home for that?

I'm getting to that. Patience, detective, my mother was going to play matchmaker for me with one of her students.

_I don't like where this is heading. I don't want him to go out with anyone else._

I saw right through her lame inquiry and shut that train down before it even got rolling. I told her that I had no interest in any of her students or anyone else that she might come up with for that matter.

_What about me? Didn't he just say I was the love of his life?_

I told her that there was only one person I was interested in and she knew exactly whom I was referring to.

_Why do I ever doubt this man?_

Hurricane Martha proceeded to express her views on my love life, my work at the 12th, the shooting and last summer.

What did she say about me?_ Insecure much? It's not always about you Kate!_

She questioned our partnership. She questioned whether it meant as much to you as it means to me. When she…

It means everything to me Rick. _Have I ever told him how much it means to me? I am guessing not judging by the look he is giving me. Is that shock or relief?_

I… When she questioned the danger involved in shadowing you, I told her that you would do everything in your power to insure that I come home to her and Alexis every night. I told her I could get killed crossing the street or doing a simple errand like going to the bank. She told me that wasn't fair and I agreed but it was still a fact and she should know that better than anyone after we lived through that experience because of you. You got us all out!

We got lucky Castle.

You call it luck. I call it having an extraordinary partner. When mother saw she wasn't going to win that topic she moved on to the day you were shot and the summer.

Rick.

No, we're good. We already had this discussion. Just let me tell you the rest. Sandra can't wait forever.

We wouldn't want her to wait long now would we? Get on with it then.

She told me that you make me reckless and asked me, again, what would have happened to Alexis if I had been successful in my attempt to take a bullet that was meant for you. I told her that Alexis would have still had her, you and the guys. She fired back that yes, she would have you guys but she wouldn't have me, her father.

She's right Castle. I wouldn't want Alexis to go through what I have since my mother's murder. I wouldn't survive it knowing it was my fault that you were gone.

Kate, don't. Nobody is going to convince me that I don't belong by your side. I'll always have your back. We're partners and that's what we do. I told her that yes, the summer was awful for all of us and we have come to terms with it. She asked me why I was smiling when we were having such an "unpleasant" discussion. She knew something had happened to give me hope and put that dopey smile on my face.

You do have a dopey smile Castle.

As much as I wanted to keep that piece of information between us, it kind of slipped out. It will make her quit all future matchmaking efforts though.

It's okay. It's not like she is going to tell everyone at the 12th. Is she?

She will definitely tell Alexis, but I will make sure that is as far as it goes until you tell me otherwise. I meant it Kate.

Meant what?

That I'll wait. I'll take whatever you are willing to give, and that you are so worth the wait.

I won't make you wait too much longer.

I can be a very patient man, Kate. I am not going to say it is easy, but I will be here when you're ready.

I hope so.

Can we watch the movie now? Gracie Lou is waiting.

Yes, as long as you sit next to me and keep your eyes on the movie.

But…

Shhh. I am watching the stunning Ms. Bullock. Just sit here with me and watch the movie Castle.

Fine, but next time I want popcorn!

Deal, but next time, I pick the movie.

_I think I could get used to this dinner and a movie thing with him. It's not really a date right? It wasn't planned. We didn't get all dressed up. We're just hanging out together like we have done hundreds of times before. So what if we end up holding hands or snuggling a little closer together than normal. I can do this. I really want to do this._

You okay?

Yeah, just thinking about today and how nice this is, just being here, with you, like this.

Yeah? I could get used to this.

Me too Castle. You know you can sit a little closer. I promise I won't bite and my gun is in the other room.

Are you sure it is okay? I told you I wouldn't push.

Your patience should be rewarded somehow, right? We're both adults here…well at least I am.

You wound me!

My therapist told me to work on being honest with myself and other people. It's not my fault you are a man-child.

I do kind of resemble that remark. Can this man-child put his arm around you?

Only if you think you can handle it.

I can handle that and anything else you throw at me.

We'll see about that.


	7. Chapter 7

Kate's Apartment

_Why do I feel so warm? What is that delicious smell? Cherries? What is tickling my nose? Why do I feel like I had the best sleep I have had in months? I had the best dream. I dreamt that I shared a wonderful evening with Kate and she didn't run away when I told her that she was the love of my life. Wow, if only that was true! I know Kate and I had a good talk yesterday, but I don't think she is ready to hear that yet. What is that sound? I need to open my eyes and force myself out of bed. I can't believe Kate hasn't called about a body drop or at least to find out when her daily caffeine fix will arrive. So much for this nice warm bed and the best dream-filled sleep ever!_

_What is that sound? Am I snoring? Huh…I didn't know I did that. Why is the TV on? Did I fall asleep on the couch again? Why do I feel so comfortable and rested then? I don't normally sleep this soundly on my lumpy old couch. I actually didn't wake up once during the night. I didn't have any nightmares only happy dreams. Rick told me I was the love of his life and I didn't run away? That was a good dream. I want to be with him more than anything but I don't think I'm ready for a confession like that. I still haven't told him my secret yet. I can't believe my phone hasn't rung to alert me to yet another murder. Looks like a paperwork day again… boring! That means no twinkling blue eyes, or high- end coffee for me unless Castle is bored at home._

Rick?

Kate?

What are…?

Did we…?

We must have fallen asleep watching the movie.

Yeah…I don't…

Me either. What time is it?

5:30

Okay.

Do you need to get ready for work now?

No, I don't have to be in until 8 unless a body drops.

Do you want me to leave? _Please say no. Please say no._

No, you don't have to go. We can stay here a little longer unless you have somewhere else you have to be. _Please say you can stay. I hope he can see it in my eyes how much I want him to stay._

You just don't want to get up do you?

Well it is nice and warm right here.

You are just using me for body heat aren't you?

Do you have a problem with that?

No problem at all.

I thought you would enjoy being my personal heater since you like invading my personal space so much.

You have no idea how much I am enjoying this.

Me too.

Is this okay?

I feel safe right here.

I'd do anything to keep you safe. You know that right?

I think you have proven that on a number of occasions over the last year.

You're my partner. You have done the same for me.

We are more than just partners and we both know that now.

It took some of us longer than others to figure that out.

I'm sorry I couldn't admit to it sooner.

It's okay. I have the patience of a saint remember?

There is nothing saintly about you Castle.

Yeah, I couldn't even pull that one off without laughing.

Rick, did you mean what you said last night?

What? That Sandra Bullock is hot?

No.

What then?

You said that I am the love of your life?

I have never been more serious. Why?

I was just making sure that I didn't dream it.

Move Castle.

Where are you going?

I've got to go.

Kate, wait, I thought you said you didn't have to get ready yet. Don't run away from this.

I'm not running. I have to use the bathroom. I'll be right back.

Really?

Yes, it's not everyday that a girl gets to have a ruggedly handsome writer be her personal heater.

I could make that happen. I know people.

Oh, I wish I were ready to wake up in his arms every morning. I'll get back to you on that one. Slide over so I can have my spot back.

Can we just stay cuddled up here all day?

As much as I am enjoying my personal heater I do have some paperwork to finish up today.

Just paperwork, huh?

You don't have to come in today if you don't want to.

Do you want me there?

I wouldn't mind it if you decided to make an appearance later today. But I understand how boring watching me do paperwork is for you.

The paperwork is boring…watching you is never boring.

Do you want some coffee?

You are going to get me coffee?

I'm not going to get coffee.

Do you want me to get up and get you some?

No, the timer on my coffee maker is set for 6:45. I was thinking we could stay just like this until it was ready and then we could have breakfast together before I have to get ready and you head home to Alexis.

Shit! Alexis!

What?

I didn't call her last night and I didn't make it home either. She will be worried.

Do you need to go home?

No, I'll just send her a quick text and let her know that I stayed here.

Wait… she might think that we…

No, I'll just tell her we fell asleep.

I just don't want her to think that we slept together.

We did!

Castle! You know what I mean!

I'll tell her what I always tell her, the truth. It will be okay.

You know that I am a very private person and I just…

Is this about Alexis or about you wanting to keep "us" to ourselves for the time being?

There isn't an, us.

Kate? What are you saying? There's always been an "us", it's just not the "us" we both want.

There isn't an "us", yet. But I do want to keep it just between us, once it does happen, at least for a little while.

I am all for keeping it to ourselves. I like the idea of me having you all to myself. Especially when we become an "us'.

You have me all to yourself now, Castle.

Kate, are you saying…?

I'm saying… _What the hell am I saying?_ I'm saying that I would really like for you to kiss me right now.

Are you sure?

No.

Kate?

Shut up and kiss me Rick!

_I suddenly feel his breath on my cheek. Rick slowly closes the gap between us and gently brushes his lips across mine. Before I even have a chance to react his lips are gone. I feel myself lean forward as my eyes drift open. I want more than that chaste kiss. I want that undercover kiss again._

Kate…I...

Castle?

Kate, if I let myself kiss you again, I don't know if I will be able to hold back anymore.

Oh, Oh.

As much as I want to kiss you again…I don't trust myself to stop with just a kiss after being snuggled up with you like this all morning. I don't want to mess this up. I don't want you to…

Run away again?

Yeah. It's just… I said I would wait.

I'm sorry. I know this isn't fair to you. I am giving you so many mixed signals right now.

It's okay. This is enough for now.

Maybe we should have that coffee now?

Good idea. I really don't trust myself in this position.

_As awkward as this situation could have been it wasn't. We just endured a comfortable silence both lost in our thoughts of what could have happened or what would happen someday. I hope that someday is soon. I am glad he showed restraint because I don't know if my traitorous body could have overruled my head at that particular moment._

I know I mentioned breakfast, but I don't have anything to make us and my milk is probably spoiled so that rules out cereal too. Rain check?

If that is your way of saying we can do that waking up together thing again, you bet your ass I want a rain check.

Soon, I promise.

I'll hold you to that.

I better get ready for work now.

I'll leave you to it then.

_Would it be okay to give him a kiss on the cheek or a hug before he goes? Would it be too much?_

Kate, are you okay?

Yeah, just thinking.

About?

Debating whether I should hug or kiss you at the door before you leave.

How about one of each?

Can you control yourself?

Can you?

_After a brief moment of consideration I wrapped him in my arms and brushed my lips across his cheek. As I pulled away and made eye contact I could see it in those deep blue pools how much he was reigning in his emotions._

Will I see you later?

Do you want to?

Yes.

I'll meet you at Remy's for lunch?

Sounds good.

Bye Kate.

Bye.

_I made a promise to myself as I leaned against my door that I was going to tell him my secret before we went on our "date" to my mom's fundraiser. I just hope he still thinks that I am the love of his life after he hears the truth._


	8. Chapter 8

Dr. Parrish, where are Detective Beckett and my dad?

I don't know Alexis.

Kate called in the homicide from the scene according to the boys.

Is it normal for them to not be here when you arrive?

In most cases, yes, I usually arrive before the detectives.

But this hasn't been normal from the beginning has it.

No, it's like I told you before. Bodies don't just disappear.

I am a little worried. This is the second body in two days to vanish.

I am sure that there is a logical explanation for all of this.

Where would they have gone? Detective Beckett's car is still parked at the curb.

It is hard to say. Kate doesn't usually leave a scene until someone is here to secure it.

Do you think something happened to them? Are they in danger?

Calm down, Little Castle, Kate would never knowingly put them in a dangerous situation.

Are you sure?

Alexis, Kate would never and I mean never endanger anyone, especially your dad.

They have nearly died dozens of times.

Kate would go to the ends of the earth to keep that man safe.

Why?

Do you really need me to tell you? Or are you just afraid to hear it?

Hear what?

Alexis, I know you resent Kate for what she did to your dad last summer but you don't know the whole story. I think that Kate is the only person who can explain why she stayed away.

She hurt him Dr. Parrish.

Girl, call me Lanie. Dr. Parrish is what people I don't like have to call me.

Okay, Lanie.

Kate is so head over heels in love with your father it isn't funny.

She has a funny way of showing it.

I agree, but it doesn't make it any less true.

Why doesn't she show it then? Why does she shut him out?

That is just Kate being Kate. She is the most stubborn woman I have ever met. But she is also one of the most loyal people I have ever met. She just has a hard time opening up to people. She is afraid to lay her cards out there and show how much she cares. She was devastated by her mother's death. Hell, she still is. She is still trying to solve her mom's case.

Trying to solve her mother's case is what almost got her killed last May.

I know, sweetie. She just doesn't know how to walk away from it. She used to be so consumed with it that she couldn't see anything else. Your dad has helped pull her back from the edge. I think he is the only one who can.

I hope your right. If something happens to her again, I don't think my dad would survive it this time. He loves her. Even I can see that. It just scares me. I still have nightmares about that day.

We all do.

Does she have any idea how this still affects you?

She asked me just the other day to tell her what happened in the waiting room that day.

Why?

Her dad told her some stuff that happened. Josh pushing your dad, the emotions of the day, stuff like that.

What did you tell her?

I told her about the ambulance ride and the horrible hours we all spent in the waiting room. I told her about how broken your dad was sitting there covered in her blood.

What did she say?

She said that she was sorry for putting us all through that and that she had no idea what that was like for us. I think hearing about your dad's reaction hit her pretty hard.

Maybe hearing that will make her stop.

I don't know if anything can make her stop but maybe her love for your father. She may never admit it, but even a blind man can see how she feels about Castle. He makes her happy. She never smiled before he came around.

Does she smile that much now?

Honey, she smiles daily at your father's antics. No matter how bad things get during a case, he can usually make her laugh or at least smile. He lightens up her otherwise dark world.

You know, he's changed too. He has grown up a lot since he has been shadowing her. He takes things a little more seriously now.

It would be hard not to seeing some of the things he sees when he works with Kate.

Do you think they are okay?

They will be fine as long as they are together. They are a great team Alexis.

I hope you're right.

Kate will do everything in her power to make sure he comes home to you each night. She would never want you to go through losing a parent like she did.

I hope I never have to find out what that was like for her.

We better head back to the morgue now that the uniforms are here and there is no body for us to look at.

The Morgue

Alexis, can I ask you something?

Sure Doctor… I mean Lanie.

You said you were scared back at the crime scene.

Yeah.

What scares you?

There are too many to name.

Does your dad being in love with Kate scare you?

Yes.

Would you be happy for them if they ever got their heads out of their ass and got together?

Honestly, I don't know how I would feel about that. I want my dad to be happy.

Kate makes him happy.

Yes, but she also makes him so angry and sad sometimes.

That's love. Sometimes it can make you the happiest you could ever be but can also bring your world crashing down around you when you let someone that close.

She has a dangerous job and my dad blindly follows her. I just worry that if they get together that they will be too caught up in them to be careful. They could lose focus and get hurt or killed.

I know, but your dad loses focus anyway. Being with Kate wouldn't change that. He has been in love with her since he first saw her.

What about Kate?

A part of her has been in love with him long before they met. She started reading his books after her mom died. She said they gave her hope that justice always wins and Derek Storm always got his guy.

Does my dad even know that?

I have no idea if she ever told him that. Hell, I shouldn't have said anything to you, but Kate is my girl and I want you to give her a chance. Give them a chance if they ever decide to go for it.

I'll try to be more open to the idea.

You have gone to Kate in the past for advice. Go to her about this.

I don't think I could. It really isn't my business.

It is if you are worried about your dad, about them.

I don't know.

Think about it Alexis, you know that they would want you to be supportive of their relationship. You are the most important person in your dad's life.

I used to think that. Now I am not so sure.

Is that what really bothers you about them getting together?

No…maybe? My dad already spends all of his free time with her. If they become a couple he will want to be with her even more.

Oh, girl, Imma smack you for even thinking something so foolish.

I think I am going to go now if it's okay. You have given me a lot to think about.

See you tomorrow.

See you.


	9. Chapter 9

What is going on with Mom & Dad?

What do you mean besides the obvious?

First they are disappearing for extended lunches in the park and now they are on special assignment.

Maybe they finally hooked up. We could be rich with all the money riding on them!

No, if they hooked up, Lanie would know.

She hasn't said anything to you?

Nothing.

What is up with this special assignment that the chief of detectives knows about but Gates doesn't?

I don't know, but I don't like being left out of the loop. We are a team. How does Castle get to know these "top secret" things but we don't?

Really, he is a civilian.

Yeah, but he is Beckett's partner.

Something is definitely going on with them. There is some serious tension going on between them and I'm not talking unresolved sexual tension.

Yeah, they haven't been doing the eye sex thing that Lanie says they do.

Something about this special assignment has caused it.

They were "normal" before this new case popped up.

Normal, there is nothing normal about the way they finish each other's sentences!

Yeah, Jenny and I are married and don't even do that.

Bro, I am telling you that this case has caused something to change between them.

Yeah, since when does Castle "work" from home on a case?

When was the last time she acted happy that he wasn't here?

She is never happy when he is gone. Do you think he messed around with something that he shouldn't have?

The last time she was this mad, he had looked into her mother's case.

The only other time I remember her being this mad was when he went to the Hamptons with ex number 2 and didn't call her all summer.

Yeah, that was bad. This seems almost worse though.

We need to find a way to help the Boss solve this one and maybe things with her and Castle will be solved too.

I hope so, because I don't look forward to "Angry Beckett".

I don't know what's worse…Angry Beckett or a Beckett without that coffee Castle brings her.

We are screwed either way.

I thought after the "lunch" the other day we were going to collect on the pool and see a "really happy Beckett".

Bro, it's been four years. Do you think they will ever get on the same page?

I thought they were close to it this time. After the bank and being cuffed together. They did look pretty cozy at my wedding reception.

I lost money on that. I thought that Castle might get a little "hands on" during a slow dance with her.

Was that why the DJ played so many slow songs? Were you and Lanie trying to force something to happen?

Lanie certainly wasn't interested in me winning that particular bet.

You bet against Lanie? Seriously?

It was open bar and Castle. It seemed like a "no-brainer" at the time.

I can't believe you were betting during my reception.

You're just mad that you didn't get in on the action!

Jenny would have killed me if she'd known.

You are so whipped Kevin.

Shut it Javier!

Let's get back to the case so we can bring peace between Mom and Dad.

Agreed. What do we know?

Not much besides the fact that victim number two was connected to her former teacher Mr. Bentley.

Who is Blakely?

He's some scientist or professor that faked his death.

How do you know he faked his death?

Beckett let it slip when I told her about the connection with victim number 2.

Let's dig a little deeper and see what we can find out about Mr. Blakely.

I'll check for aliases since he is supposedly dead.

I'll look into what he taught and what he was working on when he "died".


	10. Chapter 10

Ryan, what they are talking about?

They didn't tell you?

You Know?

No, I was just screwing with you, Esposito.

Mom and Dad seem to be having a pretty serious discussion in there.

At least they are talking.

Yeah, bro, that's a good sign.

Maybe they are continuing that discussion they were having when they got off the elevator earlier.

Yeah, Beckett said something about a year was a long time.

Javi, they have been together for almost four.

The Boss asked him who all was in the club or how many were in the club.

What kind of club?

That's probably "classified" too, Bro.

How did her car end up at the bottom of the river?

Wish I knew, they just keep saying it's classified.

I guess we will never know.

We could always get Castle Drunk, Bro.

Yeah, he is quite the talker after a few drinks.

He talks too much without alcohol.

Do you want to know or not?

Beckett would tell us if she was allowed, Right?

I bet their fight had something to do with that woman from the dock and this top secret case.

Did you see how Castle just shut his mouth and followed her?

It was just like how he follows Beckett, except the mouth shut part.

Lanie said they slept together.

Who?

Castle slept with the woman from the docks.

When?

She didn't say.

What did she say then, Javi?

She said that they were talking about the case and then Beckett told him to ask his girlfriend and Castle admitted to sleeping with her.

I bet the Boss was pissed.

Lanie said Beckett told him to sleep with anybody he wanted…the more the merrier.

It sounds like Mom was jealous. What happened after she blurted that out?

According to Lanie, the conversation came to an abrupt halt because Little Castle walked in.

Ouch.

Apparently, they both got real quiet and behaved like nothing ever happened.

Yeah, they are good at denying things.

Let's see if Castle wants to go to the Old haunt for drinks after Beckett finishes scolding him.

Espo look, Mom is smiling at him.

They can't stay mad at each other very long.

They have been through too much together to stay mad.

They are partners, bro.

Is that all?

There is definitely more there than just partnership.

Look away!

What Ryan?

Here they come, Javi.

Castle, are you up for a few drinks at the Old Haunt?

Thanks Esposito, but I already have plans tonight with a beautiful and might I add younger woman.

Who Castle?

Dude, it's Alexis!

Beckett, are you coming?

Thanks, Kevin but it has been a long couple of days and I just want to go home to a warm bath and a glass of wine. Next time though.

Ryan, did you see that?

What?

That little shoulder bump thing she just did.

Did you see that smile she just flashed at him?

Bro, do you think?

Nah, that's gross. We're talking about Mom and Dad here.

Yeah, you're right.

Do you still want to go to the Haunt?

Do we get free drinks even if Castle isn't there?

Yes.

Then let's go! Especially if the drinks are free!


	11. Chapter 11

**12****th**** precinct, bullpen**

Hey, Beckett.

What Castle?

I was wondering if you wanted to go to Remy's with me to grab a bite to eat before that hot bath and glass of wine you mentioned?

What about your plans with the beautiful younger woman?

How do you know I wasn't talking about you?

Were you? _Did I just shoulder bump him in the middle of the precinct? What is with that way too girlie smile I just beamed at him? I hope the boys didn't see that. _

Not at first. I was actually referring to Alexis but she won't be home from her internship with a certain M.E. for another hour or two.

I don't want to keep you from anything.

I wouldn't ask if I had something else to do. Besides, I think we have a few things to talk about.

Like what? _Please don't say her name! Please don't say her name!_

Kate, don't play dumb with me. I know how certain aspects of this case affected you.

I don't want to talk about her.

You can't even say her name.

Sophia, _there I said it_, isn't worth my time and she's dead anyway.

Yes, but she is a part of my past that obviously upsets you.

Okay, Castle. Let me grab my purse and then we can go get some food.

**Remy's**

Kate?

_Do I really want to discuss this? No. Do I really want to know how much she meant to him? Big fat no. I know he slept with her. I owe him a chance to tell me his side of this story? _

Huh?

Where did you go?

Oh, just thinking about something.

Do you want to share with the class?

I'm not sure if I have a right to ask. _Here goes nothing. This is why I chose to sit across from him instead of squeezing in next to him. I need to see his eyes if/when he answers me. His eyes always give him away._

You know you can ask me anything, you know that.

What did you mean when you said it wasn't like what we have with her?

You mean besides the obvious elephant in the room?

Yes, I know we haven't done that you idiot! _Except in a few of my better dreams!_

Well it wasn't from a lack of effort on my part!

What?

Do you not remember that first case?

Yes, focus Castle. What did you mean when you said it wasn't like it is between us?

_Sophia was beautiful and interesting. But Kate is beautiful, smart, sexy, tough, … I don't think I can run out of adjectives to describe the woman sitting across from me right now. I was physically attracted to her but I am in love with Kate._

Earth to Castle!

Oh, sorry. Did you just steal some of my fries?

Uh, yeah, mine were all gone. What were you thinking about?

I'll admit. I was infatuated with Sophia. She was CIA for crying out loud.

Is that why you always jump to that scenario first? You think back to the good old days with her?

No, it just would make things so much cooler, Right? They do have the coolest toys.

What is it with you and gadgets? I remember how you drooled over Jordan's smart boards during the Dunn case.

Anyway, focus Beckett. I think I got caught up in the "romance" of her job and the authenticity it could bring to the character. I'll admit, I did pursue her in a physical sense but I was really caught up in skirt chasing at the time. If not her it would have been someone else. I was a self-absorbed jackass back then.

And you aren't now?

Hey. I haven't been like that in a long time.

Did you love her? _Please God, let him say no._

No.

That was an awful quick answer. I saw how you looked at her. There was definitely something there.

Kate.

She was your muse.

No! She inspired a character in a book. You inspired a series of books! There is no comparison.

Semantics.

Nice word!

I've picked up a few things in four years. I do spend a fair amount of time with a self-proclaimed wordsmith.

I am quite the wordsmith. Admit it!

How many other "inspirations" have you had?

I had many people inspire me throughout the course of writing all of those Derek Storm novels, but I have only had one muse. And that is most definitely you!

So there isn't a club I have to join or anything?

I told you there is no club. You are the only one I want to be inspired by and it's been true for a long time.

Are you sure that was all she was to you? Do you regret sleeping with her?

Where is this coming from Kate?

It's just something she said to me.

What did she say? _Am I hurting her? My grip on her hand is suddenly so tight._

She said that you guys had this great physical attraction to each other and this "longing" but once you guys slept together…_ When did we start holding hands? Why is his grip so tight?_

Once we slept together what? _Loosen your grip, Rick, you are going to hurt her._

She said that the longing was gone and sometimes she regretted sleeping with you.

Are you afraid that would happen to us? That I would not want to be with you anymore once we've slept together?

What if it does? What if you get bored with me?

Never. I still have so many layers of the Beckett Onion to peel away. _I couldn't walk away now. I never could walk away from you, even when you kicked me out._

There are so many layers. _You have no idea how close I am to letting you do exactly that._

Do you remember LA?

Yes. _How could I forget coming out of my room seconds too late?_

Do you remember when I told you that I thought you were a mystery I would never solve?

Yes. Where are you going with this Castle?

I haven't figured you out yet and I don't know that I ever will. How could I get bored when there is still the mystery of Kate Beckett to solve?

What happens when you do?

Are you saying you might help me solve the best mystery of my life?

No, but I might drop a few clues every now and then.

Kate, are we going to be able to get past this whole Sophia thing? I don't want this to ruin what we are working towards.

I don't either.

Talk to me Kate. I can tell that there is something else you need to say.

It just stung a little finding out that you shadowed someone else before me.

That was a long time ago.

Still hurts though.

Were you jealous of Sophia?

Yes.

Weren't you jealous of Alex Conrad?

Yes. I admitted that to you then.

Yeah, but you knew he was picking my brain.

Oh, I see where this is going.

I didn't know about her.

But I set you up to help Alex.

Exactly. Would it have hurt you if I were someone else's muse and didn't tell you?

Point taken.

I just need a little time to wrap my mind around it.

How much time?

I don't know. It won't be like last summer. I'm not running away.

Okay. What can I do?

Having you close helps more than you know.

How close do you want me to be Detective?

Close. _I could really use a hug right now but I'll settle for him still holding onto my hand._

I am only a phone call away, any time, anywhere.

I know you are and I don't know how to thank you for that.

Just let me in Kate.

I'm trying. I'm just not good at this kind of thing. Can we talk about something else?

Have you picked out a dress for your mom's scholarship dinner?

No, Lanie and I are supposed to go shopping tomorrow.

Do you have your speech written?

No, I just figured that I would speak from the heart.

You are going to just wing it?

Is that a problem?

You, Kate Beckett, are going to wing it?

Yes, why is that so funny?

You usually plan everything out to the smallest detail.

I don't want to get too emotional and stress out about it.

Well, if you decide to prepare something in advance. I'm offering to help.

Thanks.

Always.

Shouldn't you be getting home to Alexis?

Yeah, I guess so.

I'll get the check.

No way, I asked you out. I'm paying.

It's not a date.

Fine, you can get the check and I will pay for the cab!

Fine.

**Cab**

_I need to show him that we are okay, that I am okay. I don't think telling him was enough. Maybe, if a scoot over closer to him and put my head on his shoulder he will know without me having to say a word._

Kate, can I walk you up when we get to your place?

Do you think that is a good idea?

What kind of question is that?

The last time you were at my place after dinner we fell asleep together. _I can't wait until we can do that on a regular basis._

Is that a bad thing?

No, but you need to get home to your daughter, Rick.

_Wow, I just noticed, that is the first time she called me Rick all evening. It had been Castle the whole time at Remy's like she was distancing herself again. Maybe she is okay, maybe we can move past this Sophia thing._

Are you afraid you won't want me to leave?

I'm not sure of much of anything right now. _Do I want him to stay? Hell, yes I do. _

Sorry.

It's not your fault I'm an insecure mess.

You aren't a mess Kate. _Hot mess, maybe._ You just have a lot on your mind.

I'm a mess.

I'm good at cleaning up messes.

I bet you are, but this is something I need to do on my own.

But you don't have to do it alone. I want to help. We all want to help.

I know. _I really want to let you help me._

We're here and I am walking you to your door.

Okay, but you aren't coming in. You tell the driver to wait so you can go home.

Fine. I will be a perfect gentleman.

You are far from perfect! _But I love you just the way you are._

Ouch! Gentleman than.

Okay, thanks for walking me to the door.

_This is a bit awkward. Do I kiss him? Do I settle for just a hug or a handshake? Handshake. No way. I need more contact than a handshake. Play it safe Kate. Go for the hug._

Thanks for dinner. I'm glad you let me explain some of that stuff.

_Should I kiss her? Would that be too much? How about the safe way, a hug? I know, a hug and a kiss on the cheek._

No problem.

Is it okay if I give you a friendly hug goodnight?

I…uh…okay. _Did he read my mind about playing it safe? Oh, how I could get used to being in his arms. Did he just brush a kiss on my cheek? Should I turn my head so my lips meet his? Why do I have to be such a wreck? Just kiss the man, Kate! Soon._

Good night, Rick.

Good night, Kate.


	12. Chapter 12

Hey girl!

Hey Lanie.

Are you ready to do some shopping?

As ready as I will ever be.

How are you Kate?

I'm fine, why do you ask?

You seem a little off. Are you and Writer-Boy still mad at each other? I wasn't mad at him.

You could have fooled me?

What?

You kind of went all "Jealous Girlfriend" on him the other day in the morgue.

Oh... that. _That was so embarrassing._

Have you two talked about your little scene? I think Little Castle was mortified.

Her, I can't believe I acted that way. I would have never said that stuff if I had known she was there.

I'm not so sure it would have mattered who was in the room.

Why do you say that?

Kate, honey, we all saw how Rick reacted to that woman at the docks.

What did you see?

He just followed her orders and shut his mouth. We could tell there was something going on. We just didn't know what kind of hold she had on him?

They shared a past I would rather not think about.

Why is that Sweetie?

Don't Sweetie me, and you know why. You heard what I said to him in the morgue. You were standing right next to me.

I get it that they share a past and apparently they slept together. But when did this happen between them?

Over ten years ago.

Then why are you even freaking out about it?

I did not freak out about it Lanie.

Then what would you call that fit you had?

I ... I don't know Lanie. I don't like hearing about the other women he has been with.

Why is that. Your just friends, right?

We're partners.

And.

He based a character in the Derek Storm novels on her.

So. He has written three books based on a character inspired by you!

He followed her around for over a year doing "research".

What's the big deal? He's followed you around for almost four.

I just assumed that ...

What, that he had never had another "muse"?

Well, yeah. It kind of hurt my feelings and I was ...

Jealous.

Okay fine, I was extremely jealous.

Finally!

What?

Why can't you just admit it to yourself that Writer-boy means more to you than just a friend?

I can't.

Why not?

I'm a mess Lanie. I am too damaged to be in a relationship right now with him or anyone for that matter.

What if you weren't damaged? Would you give it a shot with Castle?

Doesn't matter. I am a mess.

But you won't always be.

I hope not. I am trying to get better. My PTSD hasn't flared up recently. That's a good sign.

Here, try these two dresses on.

I am not trying on that one. That color is so not me!

Fine, but I know Writer-boy like you in red.

I don't deserve someone like Castle anyway.

Honey, you deserve to be happy.

Are you sure about that? After how I treated you guys over the summer.

I have forgiven you for that. You explained your side of things. We're good.

Lanie, I shut him out for three months! I didn't even let him know that I was okay.

He came back. He must be okay with it now.

He says he is.

How does the dress fit? Get your skinny butt out here and show me or I will be forced to find something hideous to make you model for me.

Okay, okay. I'm coming out now.

I think Castle won't be the only man picking his jaw off the floor next week. That dress is hot.

You think so?

Do you want to look around for a couple other options?

Sure, see if they have anything blue while I take this off.

Blue, since when do you like blue?

I don't know. I don't want to stand out at mom's dinner.

Was blue your mom's favorite color by chance or are you matching your dress to a certain someone's eyes?

Yes and no. Yes, mom liked blue and that other question is ridiculous, even for you!

Hey, watch it. I was just trying to lighten the mood a little. You were getting far too serious for a shopping trip.

Do they have a blue one like the red one I just tried on? I like the way the red one fits but I would rather have blue because of Mom.

Let me check. Don't go anywhere.

_Will Rick like the blue one? Would he like the red dress better? He did like that blue dress I wore to the book party that one time. Can I really be his date to my mom's dinner? Am I okay with his past with Sophia. Do I deserve a man like Rick? Am I ready to dive in with him? I wish I could tell Lanie about wanting to an "us" with Castle. Maybe I should go see my Mom and talk it out._

Hey, earth to Kate.

What?

What are you thinking so seriously about girlfriend?

Do you think I should be Castle's date to this fundraiser?

Absolutely!

He cares about you. He has put so much time and effort into this. He is doing it for you.

I never asked him to do it.

That's not the point. He cares about you and he did this to show you how much.

Did he tell you that?

Not in so many words. He just knows how much you miss your mom and that this would create happy memories of your mom instead of just the bad ones we all know too much about.

Did they have the blue dress?

Yeah, I got it right here. Do you want to try it on and see how it looks?

Sure. Lanie, did he say anything else to you about this dinner?

No, he hasn't really mentioned it that much since he finalized most of the plans over the summer.

Wait. He talked to you about this over the summer?

Yeah, he asked my opinion on things that you might like and things I knew about your mom that might be helpful in putting this event together.

Why did he ask you?

You weren't here and I am the best friend right?

How much time did he spend on this?

He spent most of his summer on Heat Rises, but when he wasn't working on that, he was working on planning this dinner or working your case with the boys.

Did you spend a lot of time with him while I was gone?

I spent more time with him than I probably should have, but I felt sorry for the guy Kate. I think he just needed some connection to you and me and the guys were all he had.

I'm sorry.

Don't apologize to me sweetie, you didn't break my heart.

But you were mad too, right?

You bet your ass, but I am okay with it. You could have handled it differently but as I said before. I am over it and we are okay. The important thing is that you came back to us.

_I wonder if everyone is okay with the way things are now. Are they all glad I came back? Do they all think I was being a selfish, insensitive bitch to Castle all summer? Did I really break his heart? I wonder what he really said to the boys? I wonder if Lanie is holding out on me. If they talked about my mom and planning this event, they had to have talked about me a little bit. Did he tell her what he said to me in the cemetery while I bleeding out in his arms?_

You okay in there, Kate?

Oh...yeah, on my way out right now.

So, which one are we choosing?

What do you think?

I think you will knock Castle's socks off either way if that is what you are aiming for.

Not helping!

I think you should go with the blue since it was your mom's favorite color and the dinner is a celebration of your mom's life and work.

Thanks, Lanie.

Anytime, girl.

Do you want to grab some lunch or do you want to look for a special dress to wow someone with?

I don't need to pick out a dress.

You are going to come right?

Yes, Perlmutter is covering and I have had my dress for weeks. Unlike you, I shop well in advance.

Who are you bringing?

I will probably be arriving by myself.

Okay, who will you be spending your time with once you arrive? A certain Latino detective?

We'll have to wait and see on that one.

Lunch?

Sounds good as long as it is somewhere that has sinfully good milkshakes.

I guess that means we are headed to Remy's.

Fine with me, plus I have to go to work in a couple hours.

I thought you were off today.

I had to trade with Perlmutter so I could be off to attend the festivities is a few days.

**REMY'S**

_I need to find out what all Rick said to Lanie over the summer. I need to know so that I can try to repair the hurt I caused him. He says he is over it, but I am going to do everything in my power to prove to him and myself that I want this with him as badly as he does._

What are you having Kate?

I think I will just have a plate of cheese fries and a chocolate shake today, I'm not in the mood for a burger.

I want to have a big, juicy hamburger and fries. It will be the last time I eat today since I have to go in later.

Hey, Detective Beckett, I am glad you came in. You must have left these in the booth last night when you were in with Mr. Castle.

Thanks, Cindy. I was wondering where my gloves were this morning.

_Here we go. Lanie isn't about to let this one go! I can tell by the gleam in her eye that she is ready to pounce and run with this one. At least it can open the door for me to ask her what Castle said over the summer._

So, Kate, is there anything you would like to share with me?

Not, especially.

Nuh, uh girl. You are not going to act like nothing happened. This is me. Spill it!

Rick and I ...

Rick, huh, when did he become Rick?

_Shit! I did it again. I am never going to be able to hide anything from her once Rick and I get together. I can't hide anything from her now and there isn't really anything to hide. I am so screwed!_

Yes, I called him Rick. It is his name.

Not to you, his name has always been Castle or some other pet name you may have come up with, but never Rick. What gives?

We came here last night to grab a bite to eat after the case was over. He wanted to clear the air so to speak.

About what?

About the case. About my reaction to his past with Sophia.

So how did that go?

Surprisingly well, actually. He told me I could ask him anything.

So what did you ask?

That is kind of personal, don't you think?

Yes, but I want to know anyway. Girl, you know I can tell when you are holding out on me.

Okay, I will make you a deal.

Let's hear it first?

I will tell you something from our discussion last night if you tell me what you talked to him about over the summer while I was gone.

Are you sure you want to go back there? It might be hard for you to hear.

I need to know what I put him through if we are going to be able to move forward.

Does that mean you guys are going to try...

We are going to try and be better friends and partners to each other and I am going to make a better effort to be open and honest with him.

Okay, but you go first.

I asked him how what he had with her is different from what we have.

Did he answer you?

Yes, he said that he was infatuated with the idea of her because she was attractive and she was in the CIA. It was a physical attraction during his skirt chasing days.

What did he say about you?

He said it was definitely a physical attraction at first, but it has become so much more than that now.

He's in love with you sweetie. You may not be ready to see it but he does.

What did he say to you over the summer?

He asked me a lot of questions. He mostly asked if I had heard from you, were you okay? He was just really worried about you and he felt that I was his best source of information since you weren't calling him.

What other questions did he ask?

Kate.

I need to know Lanie.

He asked about you and Josh. He asked where you were. When were you coming back.

Why would he ask about Josh?

He was your boyfriend Kate. He did assault Castle in the waiting room. He asked if Josh was the one taking care of you. I think he wanted to be the one taking care of you.

What did you say to him about Josh?

I told him that you were staying with your dad at his cabin. I said I wasn't sure how often you saw Josh. I knew he wasn't with you most of the time because I had run into him once or twice at the hospital but there wasn't much I could confirm or deny about Josh because I didn't know anything either.

I'm sorry I kept that from you too. I was too busy being a mess and licking my wounds. I felt bad for keeping Josh around for as long as I did. We were never going to work. And I didn't really feel like hearing, "I told you so" from everybody.

What else did you ask Castle?

I asked him if he regretted sleeping with Sophia.

You what? Why would you ask that?

Sophia told me that her and Rick had an incredible amount of physical attraction in the beginning and the longing was very intense but once they slept together it wasn't there anymore. She said she regretted sleeping with him. The longing was so much better.

How did Writer-boy answer that one?

He asked me if I was afraid that would happen to us. If that is what I was afraid of, that he would lose interest after we slept together.

What did you say?

I asked him, "What if it does? What if he gets bored with me?".

Oh, sweetie. He could never get bored with you.

That's what he said.

Good answer Castle. I knew he wouldn't leave you.

What else did he say to you over the summer?

He really didn't say a whole lot. He moped around like a kicked puppy. Checked his phone thousands of times a day. He even called his phone company to make sure his phone was working properly. He just missed you honey. He was so lost without you, but it was even worse when Gates kicked him out. He had lost his last connection to you. I think that is why he dove head long into planning this thing for your mom and finishing up Heat Rises.

I really screwed up didn't I Lanie?

Girl, if you had been close enough, I would've smacked you!

I need to talk to him about this stuff so we can move past the past and have a clear road ahead now that I am not as screwed up.

Talk to him honey, you guys can work through this. You guys have never been able to be mad at each other for very long.

No, I always let him come back.

Why do you suppose that is?

We are better together than we are apart?

I think we both know there is more to it than that. You just need to open those eyes of yours to what you could have with that man. He loves you Kate.

I know he does.

Then what is the hold up?

I need to figure out some things first.

Go tell him how you feel and be happy! If anyone deserves a little bit of happiness, it's you.

Thanks Lanie.

As much as I would like to stay and knock some sense into that pretty head of yours, I have an appointment with a dead guy.

I'll see you tomorrow at work.

If not tomorrow, I'll see you and that beautiful dress in a couple days at the fundraiser.

Thanks for lunch.

Thanks for helping me with the dress and the other stuff.

Anytime Kate.

Bye.

See ya Lanie.


	13. Chapter 13

Gram, is there something going on with dad and Detective Beckett?

What are you talking about kiddo?

You didn't see her reach over and grab his hand during your show?

No, I was too busy watching your father's face. But now the look of sheer joy that was all over his face makes more sense to me.

What?

Alexis, darling, your father is so much in love with Kate that he radiates joy anytime she's close.

Are they dating?

I doubt it, your dad isn't exactly subtle. I don't think he would be able to keep that a secret. He has been waiting a long time to get to that point with her.

How long has he been in love with her?

I think a part of him has been in love with Kate since she walked into that book launch party almost four years ago.

Seriously, Gram.

Have you ever seen Richard chase after a woman and be this persistent?

No, he's usually the one who is being chased.

Exactly dear. When have you even known your father to get up and go to "work" every morning?

Never.

When have you ever seen him this smitten? He could have any woman out there if he made an effort but he only has eyes for one in particular these days.

How can you be in love with someone who deliberately hurts you? She destroyed him last summer.

Sometimes your heart overrules your head. When you love someone like I think he loves his favorite detective, there is the potential for extraordinary happiness as well as devastating hurt.

Is love worth all of that hurt Gram?

You should ask your dad if he thinks she's worth it. I bet you he would say absolutely even after what she did to him last summer.

He does seem happier when she is around.

How would you feel about it if they were dating?

You are the second person to ask me that question.

Whatever are you talking about Alexis?

Lanie, I mean Doctor Parrish, asked me that same question when we were going to meet dad and Detective Beckett at a crime scene.

Why did she ask you that? How did that even come up in conversation between the two of you?

I was asking her questions about work and about their partnership, if they were careful. You know, stuff like that.

Lanie assured me that Kate would never knowingly put herself or dad in harm's way. She also told me that Kate always does her best to make sure my dad comes home to us every night.

What else did Dr. Parrish have to say about Richard and Kate?

She asked me to give Kate a chance. What was I afraid of?

What are you afraid of kiddo?

That...that next time he will die trying to save her life.

I worry about that too, but there is nothing we can do to stop it. Your father pointed out to me that he could be killed crossing the street, in a car accident, or going to the bank.

It's not the same and you know it Gram!

He would still be gone and we would all be devastated.

But those things wouldn't be Detective Beckett's fault.

Neither is your father doing everything in his power to save someone he loves.

Her job is dangerous.

Yes, and she is trained to handle the dangers of her job.

But my dad isn't a cop!

No, but he is a grown man and you aren't going to change his mind about shadowing Kate if that is really what he wants to do.

I know, but I don't have to like it.

No dear you don't.

Doesn't he have enough "research" for his books?

Do you honestly think it is about the books anymore?

No, I guess there is more to it than just "research" by now.

Kiddo, you've seen how they look at each other when they think know one is paying attention. I think Kate loves your father just as much as he loves her, maybe more.

Why doesn't she ever show it or say it then?

She isn't the same breed as we are dear. She doesn't wear her heart on her sleeve. I think her mother's murder rocked her to her core. It has caused her not to be able to open herself up to anyone. She's probably terrified of hurting like that again. But it is also why she would do anything to protect your dad.

How do you know that?

She would never want you to lose a parent like she did.

I never thought about it like that.

What else bothers you about your dad being with Kate? Besides the danger.

I want him to be happy and I don't want to go off to school and worry about Kate shutting Dad out again and him being so sad.

Are you sure that's it kiddo? I get the impression that there is something you're not telling me.

I'm just worried.

I know you worry about his safety, we covered that already.

I'm worried that if Dad and Kate become a couple and spend even more time together away from work that he won't have any time for me.

Alexis Castle! What is going on in that head of yours? That is the dumbest thing I have ever heard! Your father will always make time for you.

He already spends so much time with her.

Jealousy does not look good on you dear.

I can't help it.

She care about you too. You are the center of your father's world and Kate has always known that.

I'm not saying that they would exclude me intentionally, but they do get caught up in each other and their cases sometimes. They may not even be aware that they are doing it.

Maybe you should talk to him or Kate about this.

I'm not going to talk to her about her "relationship" with my dad when I'm not really sure that there is one to be concerned about in the first place.

You can't just wait until they do get together and then drop all of this on them.

You sound awful confident about their future. They will end up together at some point. I think the only thing that is holding them back is Kate's mother's case.

Why is that holding them back? Why can't she just try to be happy with Dad?

She has been chasing that case for over a decade. It would be very hard to just walk away, especially with it still unsolved.

It almost got her killed last spring. Isn't that enough reason to walk away?

I don't know. That is a question only Kate could answer for you.

Gram, it's late. I am going upstairs. I have an early day tomorrow.

Think about what I said, kiddo. You really should talk all of this out with your dad.

I will, eventually.

I hope so dear.

Good night.

Sweet dreams, Alexis.


	14. Chapter 14

Yo, did Mom and Dad leave together last night?

Yeah, I wonder where they went.

Well, it wasn't case related. We solved that yesterday and no bodies have dropped on us since.

Maybe they had plans.

Together?

Nah, maybe Beckett was just giving Castle a ride home.

Dude, I think Castle can pay for a cab, he's rich.

Maybe they just went to Remy's to grab a bite.

They have been spending a lot of time together lately.

Bro, are you saying what I think you are saying?

Javi, they are always together.

Mom and Dad are NOT dating. We would know it. We're detectives.

Text Lanie, maybe she knows what is going on with them.

She's got no clue where they went last night. She hasn't talked to them.

Where are they this morning anyway? Beckett is always in before us.

I got no idea Bro.

Maybe they had a late night last night and aren't up yet.

Yo, that's gross! Don't say stuff like that! You are putting images in my head that I really don't want to think about.

Just saying.

Maybe they are in the middle of another "classified" mission.

Javi, you really need to get over that. Beckett would have told us if she could have.

Maybe her and Castle do have something going on. They have acted like a couple pretty much from day one anyway.

We would be able to tell, right?

Not if they just kept up with their normal banter and bickering.

Yeah, they're like an old married couple sometimes.

You should know Kevin!

Hey, Jenny and I are still in the honeymoon phase of our marriage.

Again, stop saying stuff like that.

Maybe they are together and trying to keep it quiet.

You mean like you and Lanie tried to do?

Bro, we would've told you eventually.

You guys were way too obvious. Castle even caught on pretty quick and he isn't even a detective.

They will tell us at some point if there is something to tell. We're their friends. That can't keep it a secret forever.

What if they are hiding it because of Gates?

She already hates Castle. It would give her the perfect excuse to kick him out permanently.

You may be onto something Javi. They have been spending more time together away from the precinct.

Yeah, they have been disappearing for lunches and post case meals or drinks more than they ever have.

Have you noticed how much the Boss has been smiling lately?

Yeah, Mom seems happier than I have ever seen her.

Maybe Castle makes her happy.

Bro, we all know he is in love with her. He's never hidden how he feels about her.

Beckett has always been the one to deny there is anything going on more than partnership.

I know she would never admit it, but she has been in love with him before she broke things off with Demming a couple summers ago.

Dude, how do you know that? And if she has loved him that long why was she with Josh?

She was going to tell him how she felt about him when he walked out of the bullpen with his arm wrapped around ex-wife number two on his way to the Hamptons.

That's why they didn't talk all summer? Is that why we were all mad at Castle?

Bro, you're hopeless!

I just thought that Castle was jealous of Demming and that is why he left.

He was. She dumped Demming and was going tell Castle how she felt.

Hold it, Javi. She dumped him to be with Castle?

Hopeless!

Now things are making more sense.

Duh.

How did you find out all of this anyway? Lanie?

No, I'm the one that clued Beckett in on the real reason Castle was quitting. I told her that it wasn't about the books anymore, he had enough research to write fifty books.

What did she do when you told her that?

You know Beckett, she just gave me that look.

What happened after that?

I told her that whatever his reasons for shadowing her were that I was pretty sure it didn't include watching her be with other guys.

You said that to Beckett? I'm surprised you are still alive. So when did she dump the robbery detective?

It must have been right before Castle came back for his "surprise" going away party.

So that is why she was late to his party?

I guess.

Now I understand why she looked so sad when he walked away from her.

Yeah, also explains why Lanie left the break-room and gave her a big hug. She saw the devastation on the Boss's face.

Where did Josh fit in then?

He was the rebound guy because she was heartbroken, Castle was blind and still will ex number 2.

Awfully long rebound. Castle dumped number two long before all hell broke loose with Mrs. Beckett's case.

You know how stubborn the boss is and the doc was always working or gone anyway.

I didn't like how he called us boys.

Yo, Beckett should have kicked him to the curb for being a long-haired grease ball.

She should have cut him loose when Castle dumped the ex.

They just never could get on the same page.

Maybe we should help them?

Bro, I am NOT playing matchmaker for Mom & Dad, no matter how much they belong together.

Seriously?

Not happening!

So how do we figure out what is going on with them?

We will have to take on a "classified" mission of our own.

What are we looking for?

We just need to keep an eye on them. We need to watch for physical contact and things that seen out of

the norm.

Mom and Dad are beyond normal to begin with.

Just use our detective skills . We can't let them know we are watching them. Should we increase the bets?

Should we get Lanie involved? She could pry information out of Little Castle for us.

Or maybe even the Boss herself.

No, "girl code" etiquette won't allow her to tell us what they discuss.

Bro, how do you know about "girl code"?

Javi, hello, I have sisters and I am Irish-Catholic. Those talks are more sacred than confessing to a priest!

When is that dinner we are supposed to go to for Beckett's mom?

Tomorrow, why?

I know that Mom and Dad are going together. We will have to see what happens.

Are you thinking that they will let their guard down and give themselves away?

They might get swept up in the emotion of things and give in to four years of temptation.

Who is your date for tomorrow, Javi? Are you escorting a certain M.E.?

We are sharing a cab. She wouldn't let me call it a date!

I wouldn't call it a date either if I was going with you.

Shut up Honeymilk!

Should we call Beckett and see what is going on? She should be here by now.

Sure, give her a call and ask if she's coming in to do her share of the paperwork.

Maybe she took the day off in preparation for that dinner. I'm sure it will be emotional for her.

Castle wouldn't have set this up if he didn't think she could handle it. Besides, we'll have her back too.

So do you have a code word for our mission Javi?

Yeah, operation shut the hell up!

Touchy.

Just get your paperwork done Bro.

On it.


	15. Chapter 15

_I need to get my mind my off of last night. I keep thinking how natural it felt when I grabbed Rick's hand during Martha's "performance". I can't wait for that to become a habit for us, just sitting on his couch with his family enjoying each others' company and sharing those innocent touches. Hopefully, I will get up the nerve to confess my secret to him and let him know that my wall has crumbled enough for him to step over the rubble and climb inside. I will tell him soon, but I can't do it tomorrow and risk ruining all of his hard work on this event. _

_I can't wait for tomorrow night. I am going on a date with Rick Castle! I feel like such a teenager. I know I want to keep things between us quiet, but I am a little worried that the emotions that will be swirling around inside my head will give me away. I bet everyone who looks at me will see how much Rick means to me. I know he can see it in my eyes. We say so much without ever speaking, but this is something I need to tell him, with words. _

_I bet the guys are wondering where Castle and I are today? They probably forgot about Rick telling them he had a few loose ends to tie up at Black Pawn about the new Nikki Heat book and then he needed to finalize a few things for the scholarship dinner tomorrow night. I guess I should call and tell them I will be in later after I have breakfast with my dad._

Hey, Dad.

Hey Katie, girl!

I'm glad you could meet me.

I will always have time for you. All you have to do is call.

Thanks Dad.

What's going on Kate?

Can't a girl just have breakfast with her dad?

Yes, but you don't just want to have breakfast with your old man! You have something on your mind.

How did you know?

I am your father and it is written all over that beautiful face of yours.

Fine, you saw right through me.

What is it? Are you worried about tomorrow night?

A little bit. Rick said that we should be prepared to say something during the festivities tomorrow.

Is my hard-nosed detective daughter afraid of a little public speaking?

No, I ...yes, I am terrified!

I'm sure a certain writer could help you with that.

Dad!

Well, I am sure Rick would be more than happy to help you prepare a few words.

It isn't that.

Then what's the problem?

I know what I want to say, I just don't think I could make it through it. You know I don't like being the center of attention. Never have. Never will.

You won't be alone Katie.

I know, I just think my emotions will get the better of me.

Honey, I'll be right there beside you the whole time if you need me.

Aren't you nervous?

Nah, I never had a problem with public speaking. I'll just imagine everyone in their underwear if I start to feel the butterflies.

Dad, that would only make me more of a mess.

Why is that O daughter of mine?

The mayor is going to be there, people from work are going to be there. I can't go around imagining my co-workers in their underwear. I would never be able to look at them the same way again.

Then you better find someone in the crowd that you would be okay seeing in their underwear if that is what it takes to say what you need to say.

Seriously Dad, what are you implying? _ Is my father seriously telling me to imagine Rick in his underwear? Because, as appealing as the thought of seeing Rick in very little clothing is, my dad giving me permission to imagine it is way too creepy!_

I am not implying anything Honey. Just trying to provide ways for you to feel at ease giving a speech.

Well think of something else?

Do you want me to hold your hand while you do it or is there someone else you want to hold onto while you talk about your mom?

I don't need someone to hold my hand like a child Dad. It's just nerves. I'll be fine.

I am kind of looking forward to telling that room full of people how wonderful a wife, a mother, an attorney, and a friend Johanna was.

I was just going to share a few memories of Mom that showed her passion for justice.

She would be so proud of you Katie.

I hope so.

She would have really liked Rick.

What makes you say that?

Do you want the whole list of reasons or just a few examples?

Tell me why.

He makes you happy Kate. You know, all she ever wanted was for you happy.

I'm getting there Dad. A little bit closer everyday.

Don't waste time dwelling on a past you can't change.

I'm working on that. I am trying to come to terms with walking away from Mom's case.

Katie, you of all people should know how precious life is and how quickly it can be taken away.

I couldn't forget that fact even if I wanted to.

Then do me a favor. Don't make that man wait anymore!

I won't. Just let me get through tomorrow and then I will tell him everything.

I hope so Honey. That man loves you. I can see it in his eyes.

I know he loves me. He's told me everyday for a long time . I was just to blind to see it until he actually said the words the day I was shot.

I could tell that day at the hospital. He was devastated when he thought he would never see you again.

So I am guessing, that you approve of him then?

He has proven himself time and again. Mostly, because he makes you smile. He makes you the Katie that you were before that terrible night thirteen years ago when your mom was taken from us.

He's the only person I have let get this close since Mom died. He makes me want to be a better person, for me and for him. For "us".

Tell him then!

I already told him that when I am ready for a relationship that I want it to be with him.

Are you ready?

I think I might be.

Really?

He kind of asked Mom if he could ask me to be his date for the dinner.

He asked your Mom?

He found me at the cemetery on the anniversary of her death and told Mom all about this "event" he had planned in her honor. At some point during him telling her about all of his plans her looked at her headstone and said, "Mrs. Beckett, since you aren't going to be here for this event, I was wondering if it would be okay if I asked the most extraordinary woman I know if she will be my date to the benefit dinner that is to be held in your honor."

Wow. I knew he was a writer but damn, he's good. If he goes all out like that for a date, what is he going to do when he proposes?

Whoa! We aren't even dating yet, Dad!

You said yet and he is a keeper!

I know, but let's not get ahead of ourselves, okay!

Sorry, that was just, wow!

I know. It was kind of sweet.

Are you blushing?

I do not blush!

I beg to differ! Your cheeks and neck aren't flushed from the cold!

Alright, on that note, I need to get to work. Espo and Ryan are probably wondering where I am.

Have a good day and I will see you tomorrow night, Honey.

See you tomorrow

I love you Katie.

Love you too, Dad.


	16. Chapter 16

_Only two more hours until Castle will be here it pick me up for the scholarship dinner in my Mom's honor. I am so nervous about the dinner I hope we are lucky enough to raise enough money to help a few people to pursue the field that Mom felt so passionate about. I am so grateful to Rick for going to all of this trouble and following through with this idea that came about because he just couldn't stand not knowing what I would do if I won the lottery. That conversation seems like it was years ago, but it was only a little over a year ago. As nervous as I am about this dinner, I am scared to death about being Rick's date for this thing tonight. I want this "date" to be something special for both of us, but especially for him. I want to give him that glimmer of hope so he knows that I am in this with him and I am almost ready to step outside of my wall and embrace my future with the man I love._

_Lanie should be here in about fifteen minutes so we can get ready together. I should get my butt in gear and get in the shower so I am ready for her to work her magic on me. She insists on "helping" me do my hair and makeup. It is more like her being a backseat driver though. She doesn't really help. She just makes some subtle suggestions about my choices in clothing, shoes, hair and makeup. I know that she means well but sometimes I think I would be better off on my own._

Girl, what took you so long to answer the door? I have been banging on it for at least five minutes!

I must have still been in the shower. I didn't hear you. Sorry.

Don't be sorry, let's get started.

Come on in, I need to go blow dry my hair while you go root through my drawers to find the appropriate "additions" to this evening's outfit.

I do not "root" through you stuff Kate Beckett! I scour your room in order to put together the perfect ensemble for the occasion.

Call it what you want. I'll leave you to it while I dry my hair. There are drinks in the fridge if you need something while you wait on me. I actually went shopping on the way home from the precinct to kill time until you would be here to "put me together".

Honey, from the state of this bedroom, you could have spent some time doing laundry. It looks like your closet threw up all over the floor!

Nice imagery Lanie!

Just saying, would it hurt you to put your clothes away? You wouldn't want Castle to walk in here and see your undergarments scattered all over the floor.

I don't think I need to worry about him being in my bedroom tonight.

What about early tomorrow morning?

Seriously? Don't you need to start getting yourself all dolled up for Espo?

I do not get dressed up for any man! We are just sharing a cab. It is NOT a date.

Then why did you go out and by an expensive new dress and shoes to match?

I didn't have anything nice enough to wear to your mom's dinner.

Yeah right. Just admit it. It's a date Lanie.

No it isn't.

Whatever! Why don't you two just get over yourselves and admit you still care about each other?

You are the last person that needs to be saying something like that to me. How long have you been head over heels for Writer-Boy and done absolutely nothing about it? You two are made for each other. Everybody sees it from the way you finish each others' sentences to all of that amazing eye sex that you two are so good at. You just need to get your head out of your ass and do something about it before some blond bimbo comes along and sweeps him off his feet. The man can only wait around so long before he cracks. He is a patient man Kate, but damn, he has been waiting on you forever!

Thanks for the vote of confidence in me Lanie. I'm really trying, here. I have been trying to give him little glimpses of where I am and where I want to be. I've made some forward movement.

Not far enough. It's always one step forward but two steps back with you. Just when we all think that you are going to let him in and release some of that unresolved sexual tension you guys have in abundance you run and hide.

I'm not hiding anymore!

You are still hiding how you truly feel. Have you said those three little words to him?

Not yet.

Yet? Does that mean you will be saying it in the near future?

God, I hope so. I need to tell him that his feelings are reciprocated.

Say what?

He told me he loves me.

When did he say it and why am I just hearing about it now?

He told me last May?

He...oh! Last May, huh?

Yeah, he told me while I was bleeding out in his arms at the cemetery.

Oh, honey, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you cry. Wait, I thought you didn't remember anything about getting shot.

I lied to you, to him, to everyone.

Is that why you hid from him, us all summer?

Lanie.

No, you owe me the truth right now!

I just couldn't deal with any of it then Lanie. Montgomery was dead, I got shot, Josh was still in the picture and I was a mess. Hell, I still am.

Have you told him you remember?

No.

Don't you think it's time? You shut him out all summer knowing how he felt. Aren't you afraid of how he is going to react when this little bombshell of yours comes out?

I'm terrified that he will walk away for good this time.

Honey, that man loves you. Yes, he will be angry, but he always comes back to you eventually. I just hope you tell him soon. The longer you wait, the worse it is going to be.

I know. I promised myself and my dad that I would tell him how I feel and that I heard him after we get through tonight.

Okay, I'm here for moral support then, I guess.

Thanks Lanie. Can't we just change the subject? I am already anxious about tonight without having this running through my head all night. I have a date coming to pick me up in a little more than an hour and I am not even close to being ready!

I'll drop it for now, but I am going to hold you to the promise that you made to yourself and your dad. You have to tell him in the next few weeks or I might be tempted to throw you under the bus myself. He needs to know.

You have less than an hour until Javi will be here. You need to stop giving me that disapproving glare and get yourself dressed so you can "wow" your man.

Speaking of "wowing" my man, are you planning on going like that? Or are you going to put that stunning blue dress on so you can make Mr. Castle's jaw hit the floor?

Maybe I can go for stunning him into silence?

Joke all you want, but I know you want to look good for him. You may very well take his breathe away in that outfit, but I don't ever think anyone has caused Castle to be at a loss for words.

Okay, I'll admit, I would like for what I am wearing to keep his interest and hopefully his eyes on me all evening long.

Are you sure it is just his eyes you want on you?

_I wouldn't mind a little more than his eyes on me, but will I be able to reign myself in once I feel his fingertips on my back? _ Lanie, we are going to a very public function tonight not some dark movie theater.

So let me get this straight, you would totally want more than his eyes all over you if you weren't in public?

I don't believe I said that at all.

But you didn't say no either! Maybe we should clean your room up just in case you decide to try a more private setting after dinner.

Stop it! Go get me my shoes before I throw this hairbrush at you!

You wouldn't.

Want to make a friendly wager? I hear you and the boys enjoy placing bets on certain aspects of my personal life.

Oh, look at the time. I better get those shoes for you.

My, my Doctor Parish, look who is dodging the questions now.

Truce?

Truce.

I guess we better finish up your hair before the cab gets here.

Is Espo coming up to get you or are you meeting him downstairs?

We are meeting at the coffee shop at the corner.

You know, it is okay if he comes up to get you right?

That would make it too much like a date if I let him do that.

Alright, let's get this done so I am ready when my date does show up at my door.

Are you nervous about being his date?

Absolutely!

Why?

It is getting harder and harder to hold my feelings for him in check.

Then don't hold back.

I can't jump into this with him until I tell him that I remember. I don't want any secrets between us when we make the decision to dive in to a relationship together.

Honey, you two have been in a relationship for almost four years. You just haven't consummated it yet.

I really hate to admit this, but I guess you are right.

What was that? Could you say it again for me?

No, once about killed me.

Fine. At least you admitted it once.

Thanks for helping me get ready. Tonight is very important to me Lanie.

I know, Honey.

Not just the dinner either.

I know. Doing this with Castle is huge for you.

I have to talk about my mom.

Did you write something?

No, I'm just going to speak from the heart about her.

You, Kate Beckett, are going to just go...off the cuff with this?

Why does everyone keep saying that?

Because you are one of the most over-prepared type A personalities that I know!

You make it sound like a bad thing.

It can be.

Is that your phone?

Yeah, it's Javier. He's at the coffee shop. The cab will be there in ten.

I guess you better go.

Are you okay to finish up on your own?

Yeah, I just have to put my shoes on and I'll be good to go.

What time is Castle picking you up?

I have about twenty-five more minutes until he is supposed to be here.

Good luck tonight, Sweetie.

Thanks.

_I would never give Lanie the satisfaction of hearing me say this, but maybe I should straighten up my room a little while I wait. It would keep my mind from over-thinking things about tonight. Plus, Castle might insist on coming in for coffee or something when he brings me back home or I might insist that he stay for a movie if it's not too late. _

_Well, my bedroom is presentable and I still have about seven minutes to spare. I better go brush my teeth. I certainly don't want to have nasty coffee breath. Why is fresh breath suddenly so important? I need to get Lanie out of my head. First it's putting all of my rather boring undergarments away and now I am worried about minty fresh breath? It isn't like I am going to be sharing kisses with Castle all night. I'm not right? Maybe a couple would be okay? It is a date after all. He just needs to get here already before this train of thought jumps the tracks completely! Only two more minutes until he's supposed to be here. I am as excited as a high school kid going to her first prom!_


	17. Chapter 17

**CASTLE'S LOFT**

_I can't believe I am going on a date with Kate Beckett! I am so damn nervous that I am going to say or do something stupid or push her. I want tonight to be perfect and everything she deserves. I want this dinner to go well enough that we will be able to support at least three future lawyers that will continue Johanna's work. I know Kate is more anxious about tonight than she is letting on. I know she is going to be uncomfortable up at that podium talking about her mom. Should I offer to stand beside her during her speech or just stand somewhere that she can see me and know that I have her back? I can't believe that she isn't writing a speech? I wonder if she was avoiding the emotional turmoil that writing about her mom would bring up. She probably just wants to say what she feels in that moment and move on and try to enjoy the evening. _

_I hope my "friends" come through for me tonight and give generously to this scholarship fund. God knows, I have given enough to their charity of the choice over the past ten years. Patterson has enough money that he could fund one student on his own and not even put a dent in his bank account. I hope Kate will be comfortable with the change in our relationship enough to feel at ease around all of the people I invited. I shamelessly invited everyone in my social circle to maximize the possible donations. Hell, I even invited Gina against my better judgment, but Black Pawn can spare a little coin to help out one of their own writers. They have made tons of money from the Nikki Heat series alone. _

_I better get ready, I have about an hour before I need to be at Kate's door and there is no way I am going to be late for this date._

Mother!

What is it Richard? There is no need to yell.

Can you come in her for a minute?

I need your opinion on this shirt and tie for the dinner tonight.

You have never cared about this kind of thing before. Why are you so worried now?

This is a very important function tonight Mother.

Is it the function that is important or the woman on your arm, Kiddo?

Both.

Both?

Yes, but the woman on my arm means everything!

Richard, who else would she attend this dinner with?

She could have easily went with her father or just went with the gang from the 12th.

But she chose you.

I know but why now?

Maybe because you asked her to?

Mother.

You did ask her right? You aren't just going to show up at her door and kidnap her?

Not exactly.

What did you do dear?

I actually asked her mother's permission?

Have you gone mad? Her mother has been dead for over a decade.

Long story. But Kate accepted and I want this night to go off without a hitch. _What is it with me and the word hitch? _

Well, then, I guess we better have a look at your wardrobe.

Thank you. _I hope she picks something appropriate. Her fashion sense leaves a lot to be desired, I might be better off having Alexis come down here and help me._

Darling, you need to wear the white shirt and the royal blue tie. It brings out those glorious eyes of yours. _And your tie will end up matching a certain detective's dress. Thank you Alexis for overhearing that little bit of information._

Can you help me with these cuff links? I only have about twenty minutes before I need to leave to pick up my date!

Seriously, Richard? You are acting like a teenager going to his first prom.

I can't help it Mother. I've been in love with her for so long and she's finally agreed to a date.

I think you need to have a drink and relax.

Why, are you feeling guilty about drinking all my booze?

No, I just don't want to see you make a fool out of yourself by babbling and ruining your date before it even starts.

Kate's used to me making an ass of myself and saying stupid things!

We all are dear, but you're adding the pressure of the word "date" to your vocabulary this evening.

Point taken. Make me a stiff drink and I'll be out to join you in a second.

You better hurry, you're down to crunch time here!

Where's Alexis? I wanted to see her before I leave to get Kate.

I think she is still making herself gorgeous upstairs. You'll see us at the dinner dear, it's not like you are leaving the country or anything!

I know, it's just...

You're afraid that you will be too caught up in Kate and the business at hand to give your dear old mother and daughter much of your time?

Not exactly, but you know how these fundraiser's go. I will be spending a lot of time introducing Kate and Jim to people, shaking hands, and asking for money.

You forgot sending longing glances at a certain female detective.

Mother.

Don't mother me! You do it so often I don't even think you realize it anymore.

Fine. Give me that drink!

Is that your phone?

Yeah, it is probably the doorman telling me the car is downstairs.

I'll get the phone, you finish your drink and go brush your teeth. We need you to be minty fresh so you don't offend anyone with your whiskey breath! _Especially, if he gets the nerve to kiss the girl already!_

Thanks.

Don't thank me just get a move on. Can't be late. She might think you chickened out!

You're right. I need to go before she starts having second thoughts about this being a date. I don't want to mess this up.

Richard.

Yes.

Good luck tonight.

Thanks. I'll see you in about an hour or so then.

Take your time, Kiddo. You'll be just fine.

**KATE'S APARTMENT**

_I made it with two minutes to spare! I thought I was going to be late because of my last minute impulse to get these flowers. Were the flowers a bad idea? Are they too much? Am I trying too hard to make this the "perfect" date? I really do need to just relax! She will take one look at me and know that I am not myself. Where is that arrogant, Castle playboy charm? I've been on hundreds of dates to stuff like this. I can do this. I've even gone to a charity dinner with her before. Granted, it was "undercover". It wasn't a date though, idiot! Why has everything important between us always revolved around a case? Well, here is my chance for something very special to happen between us that has absolutely nothing to do with work, just us. I can't stand out here forever. I guess I need to man up and knock on the door so she won't threaten to shoot me for being late!_

_There's Castle, right on time. I wonder how long he has been standing on the other side of my door. It can't be any worse than me, I'm sure. I wonder if he is as nervous as I am. I doubt it, he is Richard "freaking" Castle. These charity things must be old hat to him by now._ _I've been staring at the damn doorknob like it is going to magically turn and open all by itself. I need to just suck it up and open the door for my date._

Hey, Castle.

Hey. You look …..

I look?

Wow, you look absolutely beautiful. Stunning.

Thanks...you look pretty good too. _I would say ruggedly handsome but I don't want to feed his ego!_

Hey, look, we match.

Huh?

My tie matches your dress!

How did you? _I didn't notice the tie, I was to busy staring into your eyes._

I don't know, mother picked out my tie.

Your mother is still dressing you? How old are you again?

You always say I act like a nine year old on a sugar rush!

Seriously, did Lanie tell you what color my dress was?

No, I've only talked to our favorite medical examiner when I was with you for a case.

I don't know how Martha did it, but I'm glad I was too nervous to pick out my own tie!

You were nervous? Richard Castle was nervous?

Terrified.

What are you afraid of. Am I really that scary? _Have I done this to him? _

Yes...no...It's just.

Spit it out Rick. I've never seen you this flustered. _I can't believe he is this tongue-tied._

It's just that this is different.

Different how?

You are willingly going on a date with me and it isn't case related.

Oh!

I just don't want to screw this up, Kate.

Just be you Castle.

We're back to Castle now?

Just trying to get you to relax. I'm nervous too.

You're nervous? You sure don't look nervous.

You should have seen this place about an hour ago.

I would have to come inside to do that. Can't see much from the doorway.

Oh, sorry, come on in. I need to grab my purse before we can go.

Kate, uh, these are for you. I almost forgot about them.

You got me flowers?

I just... I thought you would like them.

Their gorgeous, let me put them in some water. Do you want something to drink or do we need to leave soon?

We have time for a drink if you need one.

I'm not the one who looks like their going to pass out.

I am not going to pass out, throw up maybe, but definitely not pass out!

And I thought I was the one who was going to chicken out!

You were going to chicken out?

No, it was just the nerves talking, I'm good now. Seeing you this nervous actually makes me feel more calm. We can pretend it's not a date if that would get you to relax.

No, no way am I letting you talk me out of this date. And we pretend things way too much.

What's that supposed to mean?

You know exactly what it means, Kate.

Yeah, I know. _The kiss._

We've had this argument before and I am not going to have it again on our first date. Just so you know, the next time I kiss you like that, I won't be pretending it didn't happen afterward.

_I wasn't pretending during the kiss, I just pretended it didn't happen after the fact. _Rick you know why, I'm a lot of things but I am not a cheater. I was still with Josh.

Well, it won't be cheating next time.

No it won't. I won't be pretending during or after when it happens the next time.

Were you pretending during the last one?

What do you think?

I would certainly hope you weren't because it didn't seem like you objected one bit!

_You have no idea how much I enjoyed that kiss. _I didn't pretend.

Do you wanna, not pretend, right now?

Maybe later.

Are you serious or are you being a tease?

Not teasing, I just don't want the host to be late for his own party.

Are you afraid you won't have any self control Miss Beckett?

It's not me that I'm worried about.

Hey, we know both know just how much restraint I have. I've been holding back for months! Years!

Years?

Since the day you walked into my life Kate!

Well, maybe we will have to loosen the restraints a little bit tonight then!

Don't tease me. I don't think my heart can take much more!

I've never doubted you heart.

You never will.

I think we better go, this conversation is getting far too serious.

Shall we?

Yeah, you know what Lanie will think if we are late for our own party.

Yes I do, and that is all the more reason to be fashionably late!

We don't need to give that bunch anymore ammunition than we already do.

Kate.

Rick?

Promise me, no more pretending. No more hiding. I want this to be a real date.

I wouldn't have accepted if I didn't want it to be a real date.

You didn't promise.

Do you want me to pinky swear or something because I can't do "scout's honor"?

Pinky swear it is!

Now let's go and have some fun.

Let's go get all my so-called friends to open up their checkbooks! We've got a scholarship to fund.

If my date would shut up, we would probably be half way there already.

If my date wouldn't have had me so tongue-tied when I got here we would...

Don't finish that sentence.

Why Detective what did you think I was going to say?

I don't want to know where you were going with it but...

I was just going to say we would have left fifteen minutes ago.

Yeah, I'm sure that's exactly what you were going to say.


	18. Chapter 18

Castle, are you sure we aren't late? There are an awful lot of cars lined up out in front of the hotel.

No, we are actually right on time.

Isn't the host supposed to be here before everyone else?

Normally, but who ever accused me of being normal?

Certainly not me!

Hey!

I'm just confirming your statement.

Touche Detective.

Lanie is going to have a field day with this! She is going to think we are late because we got sidetracked.

We're not late! But would it be so bad if that was what she thought?

No, but I told you I'm not ready for that yet.

Yet, well then there's hope right?

More than you know!

We could have a little fun at Lanie's expense though.

What are you suggesting Castle?

I'm just saying, we do owe Esplanie for their subterfuge when they tried to hide their interoffice romance from all of us.

Are you suggesting that we "pretend" that something has changed between us? Aren't you the one who is adamantly against pretending anymore?

I meant things between us, plus this could be fun.

I planned on having fun with you without pretending tonight.

Does that mean I get to hold your hand, hold you close while we dance and maybe even steal a kiss or two? Will you laugh at my jokes too?

It definitely means at least two out of those three and I always laugh at your stupid jokes.

Do I get to pick which two or do you?

How about I guarantee the first two and then see where the night takes us?

Deal, but I have one condition. I want the promise of at least a good night kiss when I take you home after this.

Deal. Let's get inside.

Are you in a hurry to just jump straight to the good night kiss?

No, I am hoping to get inside and spend a nice long evening with my plucky sidekick.

I thought we were partners.

We are but tonight, I just want you to be my date.

I like the sound of that.

**Hotel ball room**

Rick, this is beautiful.

_Not as beautiful as the woman on my arm. _I know, the event planner I hired did a great job.

My mom would have loved all of the centerpieces. _He remembered about the flowers._

I figured with her love of flowers that this might be the appropriate setup.

Who all did you invite to this thing anyway? It looks like a who's who of the New York City social register.

I just reached out to a few friends and called in a few favors.

What kind of favors? _Please tell me nothing too extreme._

Nothing illegal! I just asked people to return the generosity that I have shown to their causes over the years. I made it very clear how important this fundraiser was to me on a very personal level and how much I would appreciate their support.

Thank you.

Always. _I'd do anything for you Kate._

So who's coming? Well, I invited the mayor, some other politicians that I know, some media types, a certain former Yankee manager that got you so flustered and some of my writer slash poker buddies.

You invited Joe Torre?

Are you going to be awestruck again when he tries to talk to you?

I hope not, I probably sounded like a complete idiot that day!

It was kinda cute to see you all flustered.

_I seriously doubt cute would describe me that day. _Does my dad know he will be here?

Yes, your dad has known for a few weeks so he could get used to the idea that they would be sharing a table.

You put Joe Torre at our table?

Yes, he actually requested it. Maybe you made more of an impression on him than you thought.

Seriously?

No, just messing with you. I have always been active in supporting his causes and he knows that you mean a lot to me. He is being very, very generous with his checkbook tonight.

Wow.

Look everyone...Kate Beckett is speechless!

Shut up Castle!

It's just funny to see you being such a fan-girl over a Joe Torre.

I am not a fan-girl. I just can't wrap my mind around famous people caring about this cause and me.

I care about you and you don't act like that with me.

Are you jealous? _He has nothing to be jealous about. I'm 100 percent his._

Nah, you did come here with me tonight**. **_And you are letting me take you home later too._

Yes, I did and I believe I promised you other stuff too. _I promised myself a few things too that I'm not prepared to tell you about right now either._

Let's go to our table. I put Mother, Alexis and you dad at the table with us too. The gang from the 12th has the table right next to ours so Lanie and the boys would be close if you needed them.

Thanks, but I'm good as long as you stick close.

I don't plan on leaving your side unless I'm forcibly removed. It'll be like we are cuffed together again.

Yeah and this time without the tiger.

That is so not like I pictured it when you said that to me a couple months ago. I was thinking a bed and a lot less clothing would be involved.

Castle! My dad is standing right there!

Oh, sorry.

Thank God your mother is talking his ear off at the moment.

Are you blushing?

Of course I'm blushing you idiot! You are insinuating that we are having sex in front of my father.

Gross, I would never do it in front of him!

Not what I meant and you know it Castle.

I know, but the look on your face was hilarious.

How do you think Alexis would react if someone said that within earshot of you?

Mortified?

Yeah, so can please think before you speak? I so do not want to answer those kinds of questions from my dad.

Would he be mad if he heard me say that?

How would you feel if you heard Alexis' date say something like that?

Alexis has a date?

Focus Rick.

I'm a dad. I would want to choke the guy.

My point exactly, he's a dad too! But you are...

You better not make an age comment here Castle because we all know you have a few years on me!

I'm shutting up now. Let's go say hi to everyone and then maybe you can start working on those things you guaranteed would happen tonight.

In case you haven't noticed, we have already accomplished one of the things on that list. _He didn't even realize we were holding hands as we headed to our table? It does seem very natural to have his large hand wrapped securely around mine._

Oh, I didn't...

Yeah, it almost seems second nature.

I guess something has changed between us. You wouldn't have let me get this far a few months ago would you?

No, probably not.

How long will it take Lanie to notice?

It depends how wrapped up she is with her "non-date".

Her and Espo still not admitting that it is a date?

No, they even met at the coffee shop down on the corner from my apartment so it would not seem like a date when he came to get her.

I see someone I need to talk to for a second. Are you okay here or to you want to come with me?

I think I can hold my own with you**r** mother, daughter and my own dad.

Okay, I'll be right back and then I want a dance before the festivities begin.

Make sure they play something slow._ I'm really looking forward to him holding me close for more than just one dance though._

Any requests?

Use you**r** imagination, I'm sure you will come up with something appropriate.

You trust me?

Always.

**Tables**

Hi, Katie. _She looks so much like her mother. I wonder if it is the occasion or the man she's with that has put that smile on her face. _

Hi Dad, Martha, Alexis. How are you?

Katie, did you know Joe Torre is sitting with us tonight?

Yes dad, Rick filled me in. _I hope dad doesn't get as flustered as I did._

How is your date, Kiddo? Your dress is stunning.

It's going well so far. Thanks for asking Martha.

Were you as nervous as Richard was? That man was a wreck. He couldn't even pick out his tie.

Yeah, I heard you helped him with that.

Actually, I knew what color your dress was because Alexis had heard you and Lanie talking about it the other day.

I was wondering how he pulled that off. I even asked him if Lanie told him so we would match.

You look very pretty tonight Detective Beckett.

Thanks Alexis and it's Kate. Has your dad seen how beautiful you look tonight?

No, thanks...Kate. _No, he was in a hurry to get to you and never even came up to say goodbye to me._

He'll be right back. He said he had someone he needed to talk to for a minute.

Are you talking about me again Mother?

No Richard, Kate was just telling Alexis how beautiful she looked and where you ran off to.

Hey Pumpkin, you look great! Sorry I left before you came downstairs.

It's okay Dad. I figured you were running late and I knew I would see you later anyway.

Are Paige and her parents coming tonight?

Yeah, she said she would be here around 8:30.

Okay, will you save a dance for your old man? I have a little work to do and a couple promises to keep.

What promises?

I promised my date a dance before all of the festivities begin.

Oh. Whose your date? _I always used to be number one on his dance card. They aren't even together yet and Kate is already taking my place._

That would be me. _Did Alexis not know this was a date or is she just messing with Castle? I am getting a strange vibe from her. Does she not want us to be together? This could throw a wrench into things._

Hey Kate, the DJ is getting ready to start the music.

Yeah, why don't you dance with Alexis first. We will have time later. _I hope he knows I'm not running._

Are you sure? _Of course she's sure. She is giving me the "do what I'm telling you Castle" glare. She must know something that I don't. I was only gone for a minute. What could they have possibly said to her to make her take a step back?_

Save the next one for me. _Save the rest of them for me._ I think we should make this a father daughter dance. What do you say Dad?

Sure Katie as long as it is okay with your date.

Sure Jim, but I get the next one! _I better get more than one. What is going on?_

**Dance Floor (Alexis/Castle)**

Hey Sweetie, how is your night going?

Okay, you know how entertaining Gram can be at these things.

Well, at least Paige will be here soon and I'm sure there will be other people you know too.

Is Kate really your date tonight?

Yes. I thought you knew that though.

I guess I thought it was just another, we're partners and that's it kind of thing.

No, it's a real date this time. Is there something wrong?

It's just...you know after the summer...I thought...

Alexis, Kate and I have talked about that and have gotten passed it.

How can you just forget how miserable you were this summer when she didn't call?

I haven't forgotten, but I have forgiven her.

Well I haven't.

I don't think that is up to you Pumpkin.

Dad, she hurt you. When she hurts you, she hurts me too. I had to see that devastation everyday for three months!

Alexis, listen to me. You have no idea what she went through then and you have no idea what she is still going through now because of her shooting. She is the strongest woman I have ever known and the stuff that happened to her made her crumble like a house of cards even though she would never let any of us see it. She is trying to get better. She knows we all care about her and she is very well aware of how much she hurt all of us. She can't change the past but she is trying to get better.

You really love her don't you?

More than you can imagine! _As smart as she is and she can't see it written all over my face?_

Does she know?

I'm pretty sure she has figured it out by now.

Does she feel the same way about you?

Yeah, I'm pretty sure my feelings are reciprocated even though neither one of us has said those three little words to each other. _Alexis doesn't need to know that I said them while Kate was bleeding out in __my arms and she doesn't remember them._

Why?

She still has a few things to work through before she can more forward or be in a real relationship.

Is that what you want too? Do you want a relationship with Kate? _Is Kate the love of your life?_

Honey, you will always be my little girl and I will always love you. Just because I'm in love with Kate doesn't mean that I would love you any less. I will always be your "go to guy". And whether you want to admit it or not...Kate would be there too if you let her. She made me a promise once during that whole curse of the mummy case that if something ever happened to me that she would take care of you. That was long before we had these kind of feelings for each other, or at least before we admitted we had these kinds of feelings for each other. Who do you think gives me all of that great parenting advice about raising a teenage daughter?

You talk to her about me?

Yes, she was a teenage girl pretty much raising herself after her mother's death. She is the one who told me to back off on the whole Ashley-Stanford thing. She told me I was lucky to have such a great daughter who was responsible and super smart. Although she couldn't figure that out since I am your dad! She cares about you. Just let her in. She gives great advice and you could use a woman's opinion from time to time.

I've got Grams.

Sometimes you need someone a little closer in age and she knows what it's like to not have a mom to go to with those hard questions that you really don't want to talk me about.

I guess you could be right.

Alexis, it wouldn't hurt you to give her, give us a chance. If you want to call her Detective Beckett at work that's okay, but you should call her Kate, at least away from work.

I'll try. I'll do it for you Dad.

**Dance Floor (Kate/Jim)**

Honey, that was really nice of you to give up your dance with Rick so Alexis could spend some time with him.

She just looked like she wanted to be with her dad. I know what that's like. There is something about the safety of being in your father's arms.

Where is this coming from, Katie-bug?

I get the feeling that Alexis thinks that I am taking her dad away from her.

What happened?

I've noticed that since I was shot she seems to be more distant with me than she was in the past. She used to come to me for advice about school and stuff, now it's like she is just being polite.

Hasn't she always been a polite kid?

Not what I mean Dad. It's like she is just being nice because that is what is expected of her and she doesn't want to upset her dad.

Kate, she did see you get shot right in front of her eyes last May. She always knew your job was dangerous but that day she saw it first hand. Her dad could put a spin on it and make it better. She saw how much of a mess her father was in the waiting room, she works with Lanie now. She sees all of the darkness and blood now. She knows more about what you and Rick see on a daily basis. Murder is no longer just something in her dad's books to her. She knows the difference between real-life and fictional murders now.

What can I do to make it better? If she's not okay with Rick and I being together it will never work. I will not come between Castle and his daughter.

Even if it ruins this happy glow you've got going for you tonight?

Even if it kills me. _Oh, shit. I never should have said it like that._

Kate...don't even joke about stuff like that. I'm a single dad with a daughter too and I would never get over losing you.

I'm sorry Dad you know what I mean.

You really do love him don't you?

I think he's my one and done Daddy.

Then don't waste another minute honey.

I told you, we just have to get through tonight first and then I will tell him everything. I promise.

Hey. I think the song is over and your date might want you back. I'll try to keep Martha and Alexis entertained so you and Rick can have sometime alone together.

Thanks Dad.

The smile on your face is all of the thanks I need. A hug wouldn't hurt either though.

I love you.

**The Tables**

Richard, that woman over there is trying to get your attention. She is motioning for you to join her.

Oh, that's Suzanne. It must be time for the "old Castle charm".

Who is Suzanne and what do you mean by "old Castle Charm"?

Kate, what I think my son is trying to tell us is that his event planner is telling him that it is time for him to get his friends and invited guests to put their money where their mouths are!

Something like that Mother.

Well, Rick, go show off that mega-watt smile and work your magic.

Are you coming with me Kate?

Oh, I just thought I was supposed to hang out here and wait until my turn to talk about my mom.

No way, you have to help me "charm" our guests. You're part of the reason they are here.

You go on with Richard dear, I will introduce your father to some of the other guests.

Thanks, Mother.

You just wanted to hold my hand again didn't you?

I want to do a lot more than that, but we are in a very public place with my daughter in attendance.

Castle! _Maybe we can save that for my place later. I think my restraint is going to break before his._

Just being honest, Beckett.

There's James Patterson. Let's go say hi.

Are you a fan or what?

Don't worry Rick, I'm a one writer girl now. I'm just "charming" the guests.

Well charm away, Patterson's loaded. He probably wrote another book while I was dancing with Alexis.

Jealous much?

I'm not jealous of him. I write one book a year because I REALLY enjoy my research.

But does all that research pay off?

It's starting to. Maybe one of these days my research will really enjoy me too.

I'm starting to have an all new appreciation for your research.

I might need to dig a little deeper though. This next book might need a little more in-depth research.

You need to go give your speech so we can research the dance floor together.

Can I skip the speech and go straight for the research?

Don't lose sight of why we are here Castle. Fundraiser first...research later.

Fine.

The puppy dog eyes won't work! Go or I might have to find another dance partner.

Ladies and Gentleman, welcome to the first annual Johanna Beckett Memorial Scholarship dinner, I'm Rick Castle, your host for the evening. We are here to honor the work and life of a woman, who sadly, I never got a chance to meet. Johanna was a true champion of justice, the wife of Jim Beckett and the mother of one of the NYPD's best and brightest, Kate Beckett. From all of the stories I've heard and research that I have done she worked tirelessly to bring justice to those who were lost in the system or those who had no one to speak for them. Her life, tragically ended too soon, but her legacy can live on because of your generosity tonight. Our goal is to provide financial assistance to students who choose to continue her work. I will shamelessly remind all of you that I have always given quite generously to your causes and now it's time to return the gesture. All of you who truly know me, know how important this is to me and I how grateful I am to you for being here and supporting this scholarship. Now, I will let you enjoy the food, drinks and dancing with a few subtle reminders throughout the evening to crack open those checkbooks.

_Why are my cheeks wet? Damn, Castle made me cry? Seriously? When did I start crying at the drop of a hat? Maybe since I noticed how sweet he can be. Would it be wrong if I ran up to that podium, threw my arms around his neck and kissed him senseless? Yeah, maybe a little much in such a public venue. I need to get him to the dance floor and do a little research of my own! I need to go find that DJ and pick out a nice slow song or two. Would they play more than one slow song in a row. I want to spend as much time in his arms tonight as I can. Maybe he will have to come home with me for a movie after this. I wouldn't mind falling asleep in his arms again._

Are you okay, Kate?

Yeah, I was just thinking about my mom. She would have loved you...this.

Was my speech okay? I wanted to keep it short and to the point.

It was great. Can I have that dance now? I could really use a hug.

And a slow dance would be the perfect cover so nobody sees how much you need it?

Yeah, I just... I am almost okay with you seeing how much of an emotional wreck I am, but I don't need my co-workers to know how much I am still struggling.

As long as you aren't worried about what they might say about your choice in dance partners.

One, you are my date. Two, I don't care what they think. And three, most of them already think we are together, so what's a little more fodder for the water cooler gossips?

What about Gates?

I'll worry about my "boss" later. All I want right now is to be in the safety of your arms.

Let me tell the man to play a couple songs that are hug-worthy and then I am all yours.

Thank you.

**Dance Floor (Kate/Rick)**

Is this okay? I didn't know what songs you wanted but the guy said he had a couple that would work when I told him what I needed.

Just hold me close and dance with me.

All you had to do was ask. _I love having you in my arms. You can stay as long as you like._

Can we just not talk for a minute? I need to just put my head on your shoulder, get lost in the music and the feel of your arms around me.

Whatever you need. I'm here.

Rick.

_I hope she doesn't notice how much my heart is racing or the kisses I keep peppering across her temple. This just feels so right, finally having her in my arms and her wanting to be here. I could stay like this for the rest of my life. I wonder if she can feel how much I love her? I wonder if she's even listening to the words of this song._

Castle.

_He must be lost in the music too or he's doesn't want to ruin this. I did ask for us not to talk for a minute. Does he realize how close to home this song is for me? I thank God everyday that he's in my life._

Did you say something Kate?

Yeah, I was saying that I'm not usually a big country music fan, but this song is perfect. What's the name of it?

It's called, God Gave Me You.

Did you pick this song?

No. Why?

It kind of rings true for me. Did you listen to the words? They make me think of us a little.

Yeah, I was listening and enjoying the feel of you finally being in my arms.

Just don't let go now that I'm here.

I told him to play a couple songs so you could catch your breath.

_I don't think it's doing any good. Being in his arms is making me breathless. What am I going to do when he starts doing more than just holding me close? I need to get my composure back before I go back to the table and face Lanie and the boys. I hope I don't break his hand. I know I will be holding onto it like a lifeline once this second song ends. _

Kate.

Yeah.

Are you going to be able to get up and say anything about yourmom or do you just want me to have them skip your turn and let your dad go? It's okay, you don't have to say anything. I'm sure your dad will be okay talking a little longer on behalf of your family.

No, I can do this. I just didn't realize how hard this would be. When did I become such a weak person? I chase murderers everyday but can't get up and give a three minute talk about how much my mom means to me. Seriously?

You're not weak. Kate, you've had a lot on you plate with Royce's death, Roy's death, your shooting, the PTSD and all of the other stuff we've survived in the last year. It's amazing that you can get out of bed every morning. When I told you I was amazed at the depth of your strength I wasn't just trying to make you feel better. You amaze me everyday.

Sometimes it takes everything I have to get out of bed and face the day.

If anyone is entitled to a personal day it's you. You know when you feel like that, all you have to do is call and I will be there to help you through it.

Yeah, I know that now, but ….

No buts. If we are going to do this, us, you have to let me help you. You already said that you are okay with me seeing you when you are at your worst as long as everyone else doesn't see it.

I didn't say at my worst. Nobody needs to see that.

I want to see it all. Just let me help you. You need someone to lean on. Just let it be me. It won't change how I feel about you. Nothing can change that.

I think the second song is over. What do we do now?

Excuse me, Mr. Castle.

Suzanne, what can I do for you?

Well, it's time for Miss Beckett to say a few words and then we will announce that the silent auction will begin in twenty minutes and then we will share the total raised so far tonight.

How much have we done?

It appears that we received donation pledges totally half a million dollars so far and that doesn't include the item that we discussed over the phone this afternoon.

Rick, did she say half a million?

Yes.

What was the other thing she was talking about?

Oh, it's kind of like a corporate matching thing. I'll tell you about it later. You need to head on up there. You good?

I think I can handle a moment or two in the spotlight.

Good evening everyone. I wanted to thank you all for coming tonight to honor my mother, Johanna Beckett. I really do appreciate each and everyone of you for coming out and helping us fund this scholarship fund for aspiring law students that will carry on the work that my mom had such passion for. I know if she were tonight, she would be so embarrassed by this whole thing. Mom hated being the center of attention, but she would also take the time to shake the hands of each and everyone of you who has come here to help make this scholarship possible. _Where did he go? I want to make sure he is looking at me when I say in public how much I appreciate all the effort he has made to make this night happen. _I would also like to add a special thank you to Rick Castle for taking a silly idea that sprang from a case we worked on last year and running with it until he ended up with this wonderful evening we are enjoying right now. Thank you so much for coming out and supporting this cause that is so dear to my heart.

_When she looks at me the way she is right now, it makes me love her even more. Is that even possible? _

_She doesn't have to thank me for tonight. The fact that she agreed to come with me tonight, to be my date, is thanks enough. I think I am going to try and talk her into one more dance before we go and face the inevitable teasing from Lanie and the boys about our choice of dates for this evening. I know the perfect song._

Rick.

Hey. You okay?

Yeah, I'm fine. It wasn't as hard as I thought it would be.

How about one more dance? I kind of requested a song and wanted to have you all to myself for a couple more minutes before I have to share you with Lanie and the boys.

One more dance.

I think you'll really like this song.

What is it called?

Just a Kiss by Lady Antebellum. It's...well just listen. You'll understand why I picked it. Come on, they're playing our song!

_You really don't have to tell me twice to get out on the dance floor. _I love this song. How did you know?

The words just spoke to me. I'm a wordsmith as you know. Just put your head on my shoulder and enjoy the music Kate.

_**It's hard to fight these feelings when it feels so hard to breathe**_

_**Caught up in this moment**_

_**Caught up in your smile**_

_Wow, look at that smile on her face._

_**I've never opened up to anyone**_

_**So hard to hold back when I'm holding you in my arms**_

_**We don't need to rush this**_

_**Let's just take it slow**_

_He picked the perfect song for us._

_**Just a kiss on your lips in the moonlight**_

_**Just a touch of the fire burning so bright**_

_**No I don't want to mess this thing up**_

_**I don't want to push to far**_

_**Just a shot in the dark that you just might**_

_**Be the one I've been waiting for my whole life**_

_**So baby I'm alright, with just a kiss goodnight**_

_**I know if we give this a little time**_

_**It'll only bring us closer to the love we wanna find**_

_**It's never felt so real, it's never felt so right**_

Rick.

Yeah.

Thanks, this song was the perfect choice.

I know, right?

Rick, what was the "other" thing that your event planner was talking about?

Oh, the matching thing?

Yeah, I guess that's what you called it.

Well, it's not exactly a corporate matching thing.

Then what is it?

Promise you won't shoot me or harm me in any way?

No. Why would I want to injure you?

I'm the one doing the matching. For every dollar that is raised tonight at the dinner I am matching it with the proceeds from the sales of the books from the Nikki Heat series.

Rick, you can't. You've already done too much.

Hey, this is for a good cause and I wouldn't even have that money without you. So, if you want to be mad, you have to be angry at yourself too. We made that money together and we are funding your mother's scholarship fund with it together.

That is like a million dollars!

I can afford it.

Castle, that is too much.

No, it's just a good start.

I'm not going to win this am I?

No, what was that for?

What?

Don't play coy with me Miss Beckett. I'm talking about that little kiss you just brushed on my cheek.

I think you can figure it out Sherlock!

It might require hours of research at a location of my choice.

Now what?

You take a deep breath, hold my hand, and we walk over to our family and friends and face the teasing that is sure to follow since you had your body pressed so tightly against mine for what might be considered longer than appropriate.

I did not.

Maybe not, but I'm sure Lanie will make some kind of "eye sex" comment based on the way our eyes never broke contact whole time you were up there talking.

Then grab my hand and let's face the music.

Just don't break my hand when the teasing starts because I told you so.

_**The 12th's Table**_

Jenny, would you look at my girl and Writer-Boy? They are looking pretty cozy out there.

How many songs have they been out there like that?

At least two, but it could be more. I kind of zoned out seeing how good they looked like that.

Yeah, I thought they looked cozy at our wedding reception, but there is something different this time.

What are you talking about Lanie?

They are observing Mom and Dad's behavior on the dance floor.

You call them Mom and Dad, seriously Kevin?

Javier Esposito do they know that you call them that?

Bro, did he just kiss the side of her head?

Dude, I don't think she even noticed.

Well, I think they look cute and we should leave them alone.

I think my girl is definitely enjoying her date tonight.

Dude, did you know Castle and Beckett are on a date?

Nah, I just thought they were coming here together because neither one of them had a date.

Kate, made it very clear to me when we were getting ready tonight that it was most definitely a first date.

Awe, Mom and Dad are dating.

Seriously, Bro. Now we are going to have to give Castle the talk.

What talk would that be Kevin.

We kind of look after the boss like brothers would. Beckett's like a little sister to us.

The boys just put the fear of God into Kate's boyfriends (the ones the know about) and let them know that they know how to create the perfect murder and know an medical examiner that can help them cover it up.

Well, it's decision time folks. They are walking this way Are you going to congratulate them, torment them or leave it alone?

I vote we leave my girl and Castle alone...tonight.

Why?

This might not be the right time to tease her and Castle about this. Too many emotions are in the wind tonight. We can attack them separately when we go back to work on Monday. With all that amazing eye sex they had going on there may be more than one part of the pool that has to be settled after tonight.

You want us to wait two days to jump all over this chica?

Javi, there isn't anything to gain right now man. We know that tonight was their first real date so we can pay off that portion of the pool. We might have more bets to pay off after the weekend is over.

Yo, I'm not sure I even want to know when that happens. I just don't need visions of Mom and Dad doing the deed in my head!

Shh. They're almost here. Be nice Kevin, Javier.

Tell Lanie to be nice...she is way meaner than we are and she has more money riding on them than we do.

Hey, are they holding hands?

Kevin, put me down for fifty for them "getting intimate" on April 30th.

My, my miss thing, I never pictured you getting in on the office pool.

I needed to even things up since you have so much riding on this.

Hey Beckett, Castle. How's it going?

Fine guys. What's up?

Just thinking about following your shining example and hitting the dance floor right, Javi.

Yeah, Jenny and I were headed that way too.

Okay. Have fun guys.

Castle?

Yeah.

What the hell is going on with them? No smart ass comments and no teasing.

Maybe they didn't notice anything or maybe you best friend can see a couple smudges of make up that I missed cleaning up.

When?

I kind of used my thumb to swipe away a spot or two where your mascara ran. But now that you are looking at me with those gorgeous green eyes I see that I missed a spot.

Thanks for trying to make me presentable.

Sorry I didn't do a very good job. Do you want to go freshen up and I will get us a drink? You head that way to the ladies room, I'll to the bar and meet you back here in a few minutes.

When can we get out of here?

Oh, um...let me talk to your dad and I'll make some excuse that I don't feel well and then we can sneak out.

Just tell my dad that I needed to leave.

Okay. I'll meet you by the door in five minutes.

K.

Jim, can I speak to you for a moment please?

Sure Rick, what's up? Where's Katie? Is she okay?

Yeah, I think when she heard how much money we've raised and seeing so many pictures of her mom all over the room. Kind of choked her up a bit. I think she just needs a little space.

Well don't let her push you out of her space like she did last summer. Just stay there even if she tells you to go. That's what I did.

Can you tell my mother what is going on? She will help you with anything you need and I'm sure Lanie would help too. I'll make sure she calls you in the morning. _Even if I have to dial the phone myself._

Take care of her Rick.

I'll do my best.

**Hotel Lobby/Cab**

Hey.

Are you okay?

Let's get out of here Castle.

The car is waiting outside. All you have to do is tell the driver where to take you.

Aren't you coming with me? We have a date to finish.

I didn't want to assume.

I said I wanted to go home. I didn't say I wanted to be alone.

Do you want to stop for food or coffee on the way to your apartment?

No, I just.

Straight home then. Hop in and let's get you home.

Sorry about the dinner.

I don't care about the dinner. Martha and Jim have it all under control.

I'll be okay once I get home and out of this dress.

You know...I could help you with that.

Castle!

Hey, I'm teasing I just wanted to see you smile again and I knew saying something like that would do the trick.

Will you stay for awhile? Maybe we can watch a movie or just hang out. I'm sorry I ruined our date.

You haven't ruined it yet! I think it's looking up.

How's that?

I have you all to myself now. If we would have stayed at the dinner we would be there for another few hours.

I thought writers always went with the worst-case scenario.

I'm not a writer tonight. I'm just Rick, your date.

So Rick, tell me how the rest of this date should go.

Well, I think I should escort my date back to her place, let her change into something more comfortable and then curl up on her couch while we watch a movie or two. Maybe if things go well, she'll let me read her a bedtime story and kiss me goodnight.

Mmm. Sounds like a good date.

Good? Best. Date. Ever.

Let's see how the first part goes and see if she lets you get to the story and kiss part of the date.

I guess I better pick some really good movies and be a really comfy couch buddy then.

You do make a pretty comfy pillow if I remember correctly from the last time you came over and stayed for a movie.

**Kate's Apartment**

Well, we're home. Why don't you ask your date upstairs for a movie, Kate?

Rick, would you like to come up for a movie and stuff?

If stuff, means you in your pj's curled up next to me on the couch, I'm all in.

Any movies in mind?

Do you have The Proposal or While You Were Sleeping?

What is it with you and Sandra Bullock?

I told you last time. She's hot and well she's hot. I can't say kicks ass this time because she isn't an FBI agent this time.

I don't have While You Were Sleeping but I do have the other one.

Yeah, I bet you bought The Proposal because Ryan Reynolds is a great actor.

No, I bought it because it was a good movie and he has a nice body.

So you are as shallow in your movie choices as I am?

Maybe I have been hanging out with you too much!

Okay, we can watch The Proposal first. What is the second half of the double feature at Casa Beckett?

How about you think on that while you make us some popcorn and I change into something more comfortable?

Is it okay if I take off this jacket and tie? I would like to be a little more comfortable too.

Make yourself at home. I'll be back in a minute. But you better get that popcorn going. I bought it just for you.

Were you anticipating more movie nights with me?

I was kind of hoping it might become a regular thing when I have the weekend off.

Really?

Yes, really. I told you that I want an us. Maybe I'm closer to being ready than we both thought I was.

I've obviously already made progress since I accepted your date and hung on to you like my lifeline tonight.

I kind of like "Clingy Kate".

I do not cling.

Sorry. I'll just go make that popcorn before I blow my chance for the after movie activities we discussed.

Rick, thanks for being there and helping me tonight.

I'll always be there when you need me Kate. You just have to let me.

Back in a minute.

The popcorn will be done in two minutes and then your movie starring the "dreamy" Ryan Reynolds will begin with or without you. You will not keep me from viewing the "insatiable" Sandra Bullock.

I'll be ready before you are.

You're on! What does the winner get?

It depends on who wins.

If I win you have to let me kiss you goodnight regardless of how the rest of the date goes.

What do I get if I win Rick?

Whatever you want. I can get you anything you want.

I'll let you know in a minute. I've got a couple things in mind.

All good I hope.

You'll have to wait to see if I win or not.

BEEP...BEEP...BEEP.

_I need to hurry, that was the microwave. He will have to find a bowl and get back to the couch. I have about a minute. Thank God Lanie made me clean my room. My pj's were already laying on my bed._

Kate...You are so going to have to let me kiss you goodnight!

Wrong again! I'm ready.

How did you?

A secret for another time.

Damn! I should know not to bet against you. I thought this was a sure thing. What do you want for winning the bet?

How about I let you choose? _It's a win-win for me either way._

What are my choices and will I like them? _Please let them involve me kissing you by the end of the night._

Oh, I think we'll both like them. Do you trust me Rick?

With my life. _And my heart._

Oh. Wow. _So not the answer I was expecting but okay. _Choice number one. You have to be my human pillow during two movies, you can't make any comments about my crush on Ryan Reynolds and you have to kiss me goodbye.

What is choice number two?

You have to be my human pillow for two movies, no comments about Ryan Reynolds and you have to kiss me goodbye.

How are those different?

Choice number one is a kiss goodnight and the second is a kiss good morning. _Please let him choose the second one. I just want one night in his arms in case my worst fears come true and he walks away for good when he finds out what I remember._

What are you saying Kate?

I want you to stay with me tonight.

I thought...What about the wall? You're ready now?

No. I just...I just don't want to be alone Rick. No funny business, I just really want to go to sleep feeling safe and happy and wake up the same way tomorrow morning.

Are you sure about this?

No, but I don't want you to go, but I'll understand if you need to.

_I better take option two because I may never get this chance again to fall asleep and wake up with Kate Beckett in my arms. She may hate me when I tell her what I have been doing behind her back. _Kate, I told you I would be here when you needed me. All you had to do was ask. You're asking, so I'll stay. I'm choosing option number two. It's a win-win for me. I get to snuggle up with you, read you a bedtime story and I get that kiss I wanted. Best. Date. Ever.

God, you're easy to please.

What does that mean? Were you just toying with me about staying?

No, I meant about the best date ever, comment. Shouldn't you say best date so far?

Well, it's the best first date I've ever had.

Still not buying that either Castle.

Hey, there doesn't have to be sex involved to be the best date ever. Being with you, like this. Is more than I would've hoped for tonight. We've got plenty of time for that stuff once you're ready.

So does that mean I have my human pillow for the night?

I'd be happy to be your pillow tonight and any other night you need me to fill that role. Are you ready to watch the movie now?

Yeah, but we might need to alter the deal to one movie, a bedtime story and a kiss. It's pretty late.

Scoot over here and lay down. Your pillow and movie await. Get comfortable why I get the movie running. Do you have to work tomorrow?

No, Karpowski's team is on call tomorrow. I don't have to be anywhere until Monday morning.

So we can sleep in? No alarm clock or phone calls at 4am?

Nope. Just me, you and Ryan Reynolds. _And that back rub thing you got going on there._

Kate, no offense, but that isn't a very appealing combination. Can we make it just you and me?

Mmm. Yeah. But if you keep rubbing my back like that, I'm not going to make it through the movie or the bedtime story.

Oh, sorry about that.

Don't be sorry it feels good... great actually.

I've been told I am great with my hands.

_You certainly are and I will find what else they are good at soon. _How about you hold my hand while I cuddle up to my pillow? _Crap. He is going to catch the cuddle comment. God. I am too comfortable in his arms already. He's good with his hands and easy to snuggle up to._

Did you just say you were going to cuddle up to me? Now I would never have pictured Kate Beckett as the cuddling type.

Yet another layer of the Beckett Onion peeled away!

I'm finally finding out the good stuff!

If you think that's the good stuff you are really in for a surprise.

Kate, can we turn the movie off and just lay here in the quiet?

Yeah, I'm just surprised to hear you want the quiet? You can't keep quiet for two minutes at the 12th.

Well, I don't get to hold you like this. If you don't want the quiet, we could just keep talking or I could read to you.

Or you could rub my back like you were doing until we both fall asleep.

Are you giving me permission to put my hands on you?

Yes, you can rub my back. Just don't let your too talented hands start roaming too far from my back.

I'll try to keep them under control but I can't make any promises.

Castle. Thanks for staying.

Thanks for letting me. _She didn't say my lips couldn't steal a few kisses to her temple and maybe sneak a few to the side of the long column of her neck. She just issued a warning about my hands._

Mmmm_. _That feels awesome.

The back rub or the kisses on your neck? _Is this what she was talking about when she said we could loosen those restraints tonight? Cause I'm kind of enjoying this lack of restraint._

All of it.

Do you want me to stop?

No. I'm good.

Tell me when.

K.

Kate.

Huh?

Kiss me.

Rick.

You can say no.

I wasn't going to. I just need you to stop doing what you're doing with your lips on my neck. I kind of need yourmouth over here.

I think you better stop nibbling at my ear then because it is distracting me from keeping my hands under control.

Sorry.

I'm the one who will be sorry if you don't stop because I don't know how much more restraint I can muster if you keep that up.

Do you think you can hold onto that restraint if we slept in my bed instead of this lumpy old couch?

You may have to put some type of physical barrier between us.

I can make a wall of pillows between us or you could stay on top of the covers and I would be under.

If you promise not to run from this in the morning. I'll stay on my side of that "wall".

How am I supposed to wake up inyour arms and get a back rub then?

My arms can reach over the wall.

Good, then let'**s** go because I don't know how much longer I can last out here before I drift off to sleep.

I wouldn't call what you were doing to my neck, drifting off to sleep. Do I get my kiss?

Yeah, now that I have distracted you from my neck.

We better do that kiss thing out here because the temptation of going further would be too much if we waited until we are in your bed.

Good point.

No pretending this time.

I didn't pretend last time.

_Oh my God__**! **__ His hands aren't the only body parts that are talented. I can feel my knees getting weaker each time his tongue touches mine. This kiss is filled with so much more passion than that undercover kiss we shared a year ago. That one was full of desperation this one is filled with so much hope and...yeah love too. When did my hands get in his hair? His one hand his dangerously close to my surgical scar. I really hope he doesn't find that scar now. I don't want those memories to ruin this moment. I don't want to break this kiss but I if I don't stop soon I am going o pass out from lack of oxygen. _

_She definitely wasn't kidding when she said she wouldn't pretend this time. This kiss feels just as intense as the one in the alley when we were distracting the guard but there are a whole different set of emotions attached to this one. That one was rushed and desperate, full of longing. This one felt like it was more hopeful, still full of longing, but this one was full of love and maybe a touch of need. She sure knows how to use just the right amount of teeth and tongue to make a guy's legs turn to jello. I don't know if I will be able to walk to her room after this kiss ends. Which will be soon by the increasing small amount of oxygen I have left._

Castle.

Huh?

Let's go to bed.

Can this start being our new routine? I'm really liking the sound of that sentence.

_Me too Rick. Me too. _Someday Castle.

Will you at least call me Rick when we are in bed together?

I'll work on that.

I have something else in mind that we could work on.

Rick.

I was going to say that we could work on our lung capacity so we could kiss like that but longer.

Now there's a thought.

Where was you mind going Kate?

Nowhere clean I can tell you that.

Well Katherine Beckett, I never.

Actually you have at least once or Alexis wouldn't be here.

Wow. Do you always get like this after you kiss someone senseless?

I kissed you senseless?

Damn near. I wow. That kiss was amazing.

I think that's what you said last time too.

Well you knocking out that guard was pretty cool too but totally a distant second to the kiss.

Yeah, I can admit that now too. Why did we wait so long to do that again?

Our own stupidity and good old fashioned fear.

Let's not wait so long between them next time.

I'm willing do that again right now if you are, Kate.

I am. But I think we should try to get some sleep first.

I think it might take me a little time to get my mind and my heart to slow down.

Maybe we could try that cuddling up thing again and try to doze off.

I can rub your back again. I'm sure it will get you nice and relaxed so you will be able to sleep.

It will either send me off into dreamland or it will end up causing us to be up all night.

Guess which one I am crossing my fingers for?

Hey, what happened to the man that said he didn't need sex to make it a good date?

I said I didn't need it to have a great date but I never said I would turn it down if a certain someone was wanting my participation.

Always thinking of everyone else I see.

No, just you.

I think I'm going to sleep now. Good night Rick.

Until tomorrow morning Kate.

See you in the morning.

Yet another new routine I would really like to start.

Soon.

BEST FIRST DATE EVER!

Go to sleep Castle.

And ...we're back to Castle.

You can be Rick when I wake up.

You'll still be Kate.

Shhhhh.


	19. Chapter 19

_**Bzzz Bzzz Bzzzz**_

_What the hell is that noise? Where am I? Why do I feel like I have had the best sleep of my life? _

_**Bzzz Bzzz Bzzz**_

_That isn't my phone is it? Who would be sending me a text at this hour? What time is it anyway? Seriously, it's 12:15am. That time can't be right, Rick and I went to bed hours ago, right? Oh, that sounded way to natural. How is it that I went to bed just over an hour ago but I feel like I have slept for hours? I must have been really comfortable to sleep that soundly. I guess being in the arms of the man you love can help you sleep like a baby._

_**Bzzz Bzzz Bzzzz**_

Kate, what is that sound? Is that your phone buzzing?

I was just wondering the same thing.

What time is it?

It's only 12:15 Rick, go back to sleep while I figure out what is going on.

_Where is my phone? It is usually right here on my nightstand so I can get to it if a body drops. Did I forget to take it out of my purse last night?_

_**Bzzz Bzzz Bzzz**_

_Okay, this is getting really old. I need to find that damn phone and turn it off or whoever is on the other end of that line will need a homicide detective! Is it on the dresser or on the kitchen counter...if it was in the kitchen I wouldn't hear that irritating buzzing sound. _

Kate? Where are you going?

I'm looking for my phone.

Why?

To make it stop. I wanna go back to sleep.

Just ignore it, they'll give up eventually.

What if it is an emergency?

It's probably just Espo, Ryan or Lanie drunk dialing!

What if it's Alexis trying to find you? _ This should get a response 3... 2... 1._

What did you say about Alexis?

That woke you up didn't it? Help me find the phone.

Hey, Kate.

Yeah?

Is that your phone right there by the end of the bed on the floor?

_How did it end up there? It must have fallen out of my purse in my rush to change into my pj's. _Can you reach it?

Not from here. I need to get up. _She really needs to turn that thing off when she's not on call. _Who would call you at this hour?

It's not a call, it's a text.

**KATE R U OK****,**** LANIE**

Who's it from?

Lanie.

What does she want?

She wants to know if I'm okay. Evidently our early exit from the dinner was noticed.

Text her back that you're better than okay. Tell her you were snuggled up in bed with a ruggedly handsome writer.

I am not telling her anything like that. I will tell her that I'm okay and was sound asleep.

**FINE WAS ASLEEP KB**

Are you embarrassed that I'm in your bed?

No, where did that come from? You don't want to tell Lanie?

It is none of her business who is in my bed. She may be my best friend, but I still like my privacy.

_**Bzzz Bzzz Bzzzz**_

Lanie again?

Yes, she said sorry and she'll call tomorrow.

You can call her now if you want since we're already awake.

I'd rather curl back up with you and go back to sleep.

How about we take this out to the couch and finish watching that movie we started? It's not like I'm going to go back to sleep anytime soon.

Are you sure? I figured once you got in here you wouldn't want to leave.

You have no idea how true that is, but there is too much temptation if I stay right now. Especially since I am so wide awake and you said there wasn't going to be any funny business, just sleep.

Yeah, I don't really trust myself much either, not after that kiss and waking up in your arms.

Is your restraint slipping Detective?

In case you haven't noticed, Castle it's been slipping for awhile. I'm sure you've noticed the changes in my behavior?

Yeah, you're not as subtle as you think you are.

I can be subtle.

You may not say anything Kate, but I can see it. We have been known to have entire conversations with just one look.

Yeah, we are pretty good at that.

Definitely, but sometimes the look and the words are in total opposition with each other.

What are you saying?

Like tonight for example. You said you just want to sleep in my arms, but the look in your eyes is saying something completely different.

What are my eyes saying to you then? _ Don't they say that your eyes are the window to your soul? If not my soul...my heart for sure._

They are saying you want to do far more than sleep and they're telling me there is so much more you need to say to me but you're holding back. You're not ready to say it yet.

You can tell all of that from my eyes?

So am I right?

Yes.

Yes about which part?

Both.

Tell me.

I have wanted this for far longer than you can imagine.

Me too, but I know that isn't all of it. What are you afraid of? It can't be that bad Kate.

_I can't believe I ever yelled at him and threw him out last May. You threw him out because he read you like one of his own books, idiot! He called you out on your own stupidity. God, I think he knows me better than I know myself sometimes. I'm surprised he hasn't figured out my secret. It's like he is reading my thoughts. _

Kate, talk to me.

_I don't want to ruin tonight with my confession, but I promised my dad and Lanie that I would tell him once we made it through tonight. The night isn't technically over yet, right._

Beckett! _Man, I wonder if she's debating if she should tell me whatever she's holding back. Must be big._

Huh? What?

That must be some secret you got there Kate. _Is that panic or plain old fear?_

What ...what secret? _Oh God, he knows!_

The one you are obviously keeping from me. I saw it when I said the word secret.

I do have something that I need to tell you...but I need a little more time before I do it, Rick.

How much time Kate? Is this going to be like the last summer?

No. I...

You know you can tell me anything, right? I'm not going to walk away from this...from you.

You can't promise me that, Rick.

Whatever it is...it can't be that bad.

You're going to be angry with me.

We won't know that until you tell me.

I know. I know because if you were keeping this from me...I'd be pissed.

Kate, just say it.

Rick, I … you said you wouldn't push...that you would wait until I was ready.

I...I'm sorry for pushing. I just thought we were passed this.

I know that I keep sending you mixed messages, but I promise that if you give me just a little more time, I will tell you everything soon.

How much time?

A week? _Lanie may not give me that much time, but at least he will have the light at the end of the tunnel._

_A week? Is she on a self-imposed deadline? Wow, that's new. Maybe she is closer to being ready than I thought. At least I will know what is going on by this time next weekend._ A week it is.

I know you would like to know now, but I kind of...

Need to build up your courage?

Yeah, something like that.

Kate, I think I should go. I don't think I should stay here tonight.

See...this is why I didn't want to talk about this. I just...I wanted to see what it would be like between us...

In case I walked away?

Yeah. I would at least have had this to remember. _Memory, kind of ironic that I went there with this._

Kate. We will have way more than that to remember. I could never walk away from you. I said always.

That was before all of this! What I'm holding back could change everything.

We get angry Kate, but we ALWAYS come back to each other. Look how many times you have forgiven me. We'll get through this, whatever it is.

Promise?

Promise. I said always and I meant it. Always, Kate.

I hope so, because I don't think my life would ever be the same if you walked away.

Are you saying that you'd miss me Beckett? _I need to need to lighten this up for both are sakes._

_Make it a joke...he's trying to lighten the mood and leave on a good note. He's trying to ease my conscious. _What would I do without your crazy CIA conspiracies and alien theories?

See, I knew you liked my "half-baked conspiracy theories" as you call them.

I never said they were half-baked. I said they were crazy.

We'll be okay Kate, we always are.

I hope so.

I better go so you can get some sleep. You know Lanie will be calling early.

Do you have to go?

I think we both need to catch our breath and sleep on this.

You could sleep here, on the couch.

I could, but I think I should go.

Okay, let me walk you to the door then.

You still get that kiss good morning though.

Not what I meant when I said good morning kiss Castle.

Maybe next time.

Hopefully. Soon. _I hear myself saying as I lean in to brush my lips to his. This isn't the type of kiss I was envisioning when I referred to my good morning kiss. I was hoping for the weak in the knees variety from last night._

_It would be so easy to sweep her into my arms and kiss her senseless but that isn't going to make things better at this point. _Kate, I …

It's okay, Rick.

I'll see you at the 12th on Monday.

Okay. _I really wanted to wake up and see you in the morning._

Or you can call me if you want to talk. _If you can't wait until Monday._

I know.

Until then. _I love you._

Night. _I love you too._


	20. Chapter 20

Hello Richard.

Mother.

How was the precinct?

I don't want to talk about it.

Need a drink, kiddo?

Make it a double.

You want the good stuff?

Unless you drank it all.

Richard, really.

How many have you had anyway Mother?

Enough to dull the ache but not enough to not see things a little more clearly.

What does that even mean?

It means that I have been thinking a lot about our conversation at the bomb memorial and your relationship with Beckett.

There is no relationship. _She didn't give us a chance._

Whether either of you admit it, you have been in a relationship for the better part of the last four years.

It's over now! She saw to that.

Does she even know that you know she lied? _I should have a word with Beckett and clue her in. Maybe try to help these to stubborn fools find their way together._

Judging by the look on her face when I turned down her invitation for drinks at the Old Haunt, I am going to say that she has no idea why I am so pissed off.

How did you even make it through the day with her?

I took every opportunity afforded to me to make a harsh remark directed at her.

A bit childish don't you think?

She lied for months Mother! _Oh, shit! Is this the thing she was hiding? Is that what she needed to work her courage up for?_

She isn't the only person who has a secret.

It's not the same.

It may not be an outright lie, but a lie by omission is just as bad.

I am keeping my secret to protect her. _Mother's right, though. Kate will be so mad._

How do you know that she didn't do the same thing?

What was she protecting me from? The fact that she doesn't love me? _I was so sure she was in love with me after everything we shared Saturday._

You won't really know that until you ask her.

I can't even be near her let alone talk to her about this. The hurt is too raw.

I know you are upset. You have every right to be kiddo.

But?

But you owe her a chance to explain why she kept this from you all this time.

What if I don't want to know? _I really need to man up and talk to her. I need to know._

Seriously, Richard. You are curious by nature. I know deep down you need the story. Her story.

Do you think I want to hear her tell me she was embarrassed by what I said? Do you think I need to hear her tell me she doesn't love me?

What if she does love you?

She doesn't. _Will that make it all okay if she does?_

Are you sure? A blind man could see how she felt that day in the bank. She only saw you. I was there. You were the only thing that mattered to her in that moment. That smile radiating from her was all for you. That was sheer joy that the man she loved was safe and sound.

It wasn't love Mother. It was concern for a friend, her partner.

Call it what you want son, but that girl only had eyes for you.

Then why did she lie? _Was she afraid I would walk away?_

The only person that can answer that is Kate, dear.

I can't. Not now.

Then what are you going to do? Sit around in your underwear? Drink yourself into oblivion? Are you going to go back to the shell of the man that you were before she walked into your book launch party all those years ago?

The drinking part sounds good right now!

Are you going to be able to continue flipping that switch to the "off" position every time you have to work with her? It may work for a while, but the love you have for that woman isn't going to go away anytime soon.

Maybe you aren't the only one with acting skills in the family Mother.

My point exactly.

What?

You just admitted that would be acting like you weren't in love with her.

Mother. _ The heart wants what the heart wants. I remember when I said that to her._

The only way you are going to be able to move on is to know the truth.

I already do. She lied. She doesn't feel the same way.

Ask her. Yell, scream, throw things, but you have to know for sure. Then you find a nice girl and try again.

_I don't want another girl. I want the Kate I danced with on Saturday. _I need a distraction from her. She fills my thoughts no matter how much I try to push her out of my head.

What type of distraction? Another dumb blonde who can't hold an intelligent conversation? Someone half your age? _Or God forbid, another try with Gina._

Maybe.

Richard, do you really want to go back to the bad boy image? Really?

It's my life Mother.

You're right, but acting like an aging playboy isn't going to cure the hole this has left in your heart. Go have another meaningless fling Richard. See if that is enough.

Anything has to be better than what I have right now.

I am disappointed in you, son. I know you're tired, you're hurt, and you're angry right now. Justifiably so, but I thought you were a better man than that. _Kate makes you a better man._

Well now she's made me heartbroken and pissed off!

Don't do anything you will regret.

I already have enough of those, what's one more.

Maybe you need to stop your pity party and go spend some time with Alexis. Our girl has had a rough couple of days and she needs her dad to help pick up the pieces. Maybe she can be that distraction you were looking for.

Now, that is the smartest thing you've said all night Mother. _The only one I'll admit to._

No, that is the only one you'll admit to hearing tonight. Give it some time kiddo. Things will get better.

I hope your right, but I've done enough waiting. _I would have waited forever for her. _It's time to move on.

Move on to what? Move on with whom?

I have no idea.

Richard, you know I only want you to be happy, right? You need to find something that makes you happy.

Alexis makes me happy!

Kate made you happy too. Maybe she can again.

I don't know if I can forgive her for this.

You forgave her for not calling last summer.

This is much worse.

Is it any worse than you looking into her mother's case even after she told you not to? She forgave you, she let you back in.

That was a long time ago.

But she gave you another chance. Maybe after a few days you can find it in your heart to give her a second chance. A chance to make things right.

I don't know if I can. _I want to but I have to get passed this feeling of betrayal first._

Listen to what your heart is telling you.

My heart is still reeling...it isn't saying anything. It's having enough trouble surviving the knife wound she put there. _Poor choice of words._

Well maybe you two broken-hearted fools can find a way to repair the mess you've made.

Whatever that means.

It means, let her say she is sorry, explain why she lied and move on with or without her. You two have been through too much to let an ill timed confession ruin what you were so desperately trying to find in each other. The love is there. Is it enough?

I'm done talking about this, Mother. I am going to bed and tomorrow I am going to spend some time with my wonderful daughter and try to figure out what to do with this mess that is my life.

Richard, for what it's worth, I'm sorry.

Thanks.

Just think about what I said.

I will. _It's not like I can think of anything else besides Kate._

Goodnight Dear.

Good night.


	21. Chapter 21

**Castle's Loft**

Hey, Pumpkin. I thought you would still be with Lanie.

No, she told me I could leave after I finished the report I was working on. Why are you home so early? I thought you guys had caught a new case. Did Beckett and the guys already solve it?

No, I came home to get ready for my date.

A date? With whom?

I'm meeting Jacinda at her hotel in about an hour. Why?

Jacinda? Really?

She's a very nice girl. We have fun together. _And she is the complete opposite of Beckett._

What are you doing?

What do you mean?

Where did this Jacinda person come from? What about Beck...I mean Kate?

I don't want to talk about Beckett.

Why?

Not discussing it!

Father!

Don't father me. I am the parent here!

Maybe you should start acting like it then!

What is that supposed to mean?

You know exactly what it means Dad!

Why don't you clue me in.

Why are you running around with women half your age at all hours of the day and night?

She is not half my age! You don't even know her. _Surely she isn't that young? Did I even ask?_

No, but I have seen her! She can't be that much older than me!

You've seen her? Where? When? _Shit, she came to meet me for lunch at the precinct so I could flaunt her in front of Kate._

Dad, I know she showed up at work. Everyone was talking about, and I quote, "Did you see the perky, young blonde that showed up in Castle's Ferrari for lunch the other day?".

I...

How does Kate feel about all of this?

So, she's Kate now? _I did tell her to call her that._

You, yourself, told me to call her Kate away from work and that I should give her a chance. You told me at the scholarship dinner that you were in love with her and that you wanted a relationship with her. What happened from then to now?

She lied to me?

What did she lie about? Maybe you need to clue me in because the last time we talked about her, you basically pleaded with me to give her, you and her a chance. How can you go from being hopelessly in love with her to running around the bimbos half your age in the course of two weeks?

Alexis, I am not going to discuss this with you. It is bad enough that grandmother knows what happened.

Wait, you've talked to Grams about this and not me? Really? Do I need to ask Dr. Parrish what is going on? I'm sure that she would be more than happy to fill me in on your relationship status with a certain detective. _I wonder how much she knows and I wonder why she hasn't brought it up at work._

You can't talk to her about this either! This is personal.

I can and I will if you don't start talking!

Fine! I will tell you, but it goes no farther than this room. You are not to repeat this to Lanie, the boys or anyone else for that matter. Are we clear young lady?

What did she lie about?

I said something to her when she was shot and she claimed for ten months not to remember what I said to her.

What did you say to her?

It's not important what I said. What is important is that she lied to me for almost a year.

How do you know that she lied?

I heard her admit it in front of a suspect during the bombing case.

In front of a suspect?

Yes, I was watching her interrogation from observation. She got angry and told the suspect that he didn't get to use trauma as an excuse for not remembering what happened. Her exact words were, " I was shot in the chest and I remember every second of it!"

Does she know that you heard her?

No. I wasn't there yet that morning when she started questioning him.

Why did she lie?

Good question. I have my theories about that and none of them excuse her from the lie.

Have you asked her why she lied?

No. It's not important anymore. _It's driving me freaking crazy!_

I beg to differ, Dad. If it wasn't important you wouldn't still be angry at her.

I feel like such a fool Alexis.

What did you tell her that she claims not to remember? Maybe if I know what you said, maybe I can help you figure out why she lied, since you refuse to just ask the one person who really knows the answer.

I told her that I loved her when she was shot.

I thought...

I know I told you that neither one of us had said those three little words. At the time, when I told you that, I was under the impression that she didn't remember me saying it and I didn't want you to accidentally slip up around her about what I had said while she was bleeding out in my arms.

You actually told her that you loved her when you thought she was going to die? Seriously?_ I thought that only happened in soap operas._

What? I didn't want her to die not knowing how I felt.

It's no wonder she claimed not to remember. You can't hold someone to a deathbed confession.

I never thought I would see her again. I wanted her to know how I felt. _If only I had told her that night we fought at her apartment before Montgomery was killed._

Dad, have you said it to her since that day?

No. I... I didn't want to push her. I told her I would wait for her.

Did it ever occur to you that she lied to protect your feelings?

Yes, I think she lied because she doesn't love me. She doesn't return my feelings. She spent the whole summer knowing how I felt and didn't even call once.

You said yourself that she went through so much, with her captain dying, her getting shot and nearly dying herself. Isn't it understandable that she just couldn't deal with your feelings on top of everything else? If she was as broken after her shooting as you were, I can see why she pretended to forget.

I could have helped her recover Alexis. I would have done anything for her. I needed to help her heal for her and for me. It was my fault she was shot in the first place! _Selfish much?_

Maybe that's why she didn't call you. Maybe she thought you said it out of guilt. Maybe she was scared that you didn't really mean it.

Of course I meant it. I still mean it! _I said always._

Then drop the playboy crap and tell her again!

I can't. She lied and it hurts too much.

Is that your pride talking or your heart?

Both.

You said that you forgave her for not calling. Can you forgive her for this?

I don't know.

I guess what you need to ask yourself is this. Do you love her enough to let her explain or do you walk away never knowing for sure?

You should go to law school, Pumpkin. You made a pretty convincing argument for someone who just a few weeks ago didn't want to be in the same room with Beckett.

That was before I spent that entire evening watching you hold Kate in your arms and be happier than I have ever seen you. If she's the person who makes you happy then how could I stand in the way of that? I know that I should be angry with her because she hurt you with this lie, but I think I know her well enough to know that she would never intentionally hurt you. I am sure if you gave her a chance to explain you would not only understand why she did it but you would forgive her for it too.

I thought she was the one I could be happy with.

Don't you want to know for sure? I can't believe your curiosity hasn't forced you to confront her.

I think my pride is winning that battle right now.

Is your love stronger than pride?

God, I hope so because no matter what I do I can't get her out of my heart.

Then follow your heart instead of your head.

How did you get so smart?

Genius skips a generation.

I hope you aren't implying that your grandmother is a genius?

Okay, so maybe it skips more than one generation!

You've given me a lot to think about Alexis.

I hope so. Can you do me a favor? Two actually.

Anything, Pumpkin.

Stop running around like a teenager and talk to Kate. You owe her a chance to explain herself. She has forgiven you on several occasions too. _Didn't he look into her mom's case once before? He's doing it again too. Doesn't he see that what he is doing is a lie of omission?_

I'll try.

Don't wait too long.

I just need some time to clear my head. I'm going to go write for a bit.

Oh, and Dad. You may want to consider having an apology ready to go when you talk to her.

Why?

You've kind of starred in your own episode of "Bimbos on Parade".

Alexis!

Just saying!

I love you Pumpkin.

I love you too.


	22. Chapter 22

Hey Dad.

Katie, what brings you out here?

I just needed to talk to someone.

And you chose dear old dad?

What?

Kate, why me?

I just need some perspective that's all.

It must be pretty bad if you need me.

What's that supposed to mean?

It's just...you have never been much of a talker...especially with me.

I just didn't know where else to turn this time Dad.

What's on your mind Kate?

It's Castle, something's changed.

Did you finally tell him?

No. I know that I promised you and Lanie that I would tell him, but things have changed since that bombing at Boylan Plaza. It all went to hell before I could tell him the truth.

How did a case change things between you and Rick?

That's the problem, I have no idea.

Katie, why don't you start at the beginning?

Okay. After seeing the damage and chaos of the bombing Rick and I were having a conversation about all of the things that the victims had lost or never got a chance to have. I think it dawned on both of us that life isn't guaranteed and we may not get a another chance. We had already missed so many opportunities to be together, to give it a shot. I decided, then and there that I was going to tell him the truth. As I was opening my mouth to spill my secret, Esposito called us away to meet with the Captain.

You didn't get a chance to tell him?

No, as usual, when it comes to Castle and me our timing is always wrong!

Well, you need to do something to change that then. Make time...tell him, don't let anything stop you.

Well it seems that Castle was on the same page with me about needing to tell me something important. The next morning he strolled in with our coffees, started telling me about how he has been thinking about the victims and not wanting to wait anymore. Just as he is about to tell me what he doesn't want to put off anymore, Ryan tells us he has a lead on the bombing.

You guys do have the worst timing ever.

See! So, Castle being the man that he is says that what he needs to say will wait for the end of the case and we should go chase the lead.

I'm guessing the case is closed and you got your man?

Yes, woman actually.

So did you and Rick have that talk after you closed the case?

No.

What about not waiting anymore?

That's the thing Dad, during the case he changed. It was like someone flipped a switch and he wasn't the same. _He wasn't my Rick anymore._

Do you think the case just got to him? Too much death?

For Castle, no. I don't think too much is in his vocabulary.

Then what Katie? There has to be a reason for him to change so abruptly.

It was weird, he came back to the precinct and just seemed distant...angry. Maybe even …. hurt?

Angry how?

He was sarcastic and not funny sarcastic...mean. He kept making harsh, biting comments. He wouldn't meet my eyes. He was making comments about sinning in silence and being cowardly when we were talking to a suspect. It just seemed like...

Like what?

Like his comments weren't directed at the suspect.

Then who was he talking to?

I got a funny feeling that he intended them for me?

Why would he say things like that to you?

That's just it. I have no idea. When the case was over, I invited Castle and the boys for a drink but they all declined. I expected it from Javi & Kevin, but not Rick. I tried to get him to talk to me about that conversation that Kevin interrupted but he said it wasn't important anymore and made an excuse to leave. Dad, it wasn't just the excuse. It was how cold his eyes were and his tone. It was like he wanted nothing to do with me. How could we go from being so wrapped up in each other at Mom's dinner to that? I thought we were both working toward an "us".

Kate, honey, don't get mad at me here but I need to ask you something. This was always your mom's domain, the whole boyfriend discussion.

Just spit it out Dad.

You said he was different when he came back that day, was he different with everyone or just you?

Just me I guess. I didn't notice anything different between him and the guys.

Is it possible that you did or said something to cause him to be mad?

I don't think so. Why would you even ask that?

You aren't good at relationships or discussing feelings.

Thanks a lot for your support there Dad!

Kate, you said he only seemed "different" in regards to you.

I didn't even see him that day that he came back to the precinct angry. He had been in that morning, there was a coffee on my desk when I came back from talking to a suspect and Espo had seen him come in but said Castle had mentioned that he had somewhere he needed to be.

Just because you didn't see him doesn't mean you couldn't have done anything to upset him.

Like what?

Did you forget to call him? Were you supposed to meet him for coffee that morning before work? I don't know what your relationship with him is like and frankly I don't want to know all the details! I am your father not your girlfriend. Save that stuff for Lanie.

No, I didn't forget to call or meet with him. He had told me the night before on the phone that he would be working at home on some files Gates had given him and spending a little time with Alexis that morning before coming to the precinct.

So what your saying is that this change had to occurred between the time that he put the coffee on your desk and when he came back "angry" later?

Yes?

I have a stupid question for you? Have you asked him what happened?

Not exactly.

Not exactly? What does that mean young lady?

Don't young lady me. I'm not a teenager anymore. It means, that when I tried to ask him about it, he blew me off and made yet another excuse to avoid being around me. To make matters worse, he started showing up at crime scenes in his Ferrari and spending large amounts of time with blondes half his age. Lanie think he just finally got tired of waiting for me.

Oh Katie, honey.

Don't.

Don't what?

I don't want your pity Dad.

It's not pity. I want to go grab him by the neck and smack some sense into him for hurting my little girl.

Dad, I'm 32 years old. I don't need you to fight my battles for me.

Kate, you're a grown woman but I'm still your dad. Besides, you never let me fight your battles. You were always the tough one, remember? You even refused a night light when you were little just to prove a point!

So what do I do here?

What do you want to do?

I want to yell at him ask him what the hell went wrong.

Then go ask him.

What if he blows me off again?

Make him listen. Work at figuring this out like you would a case. You're a detective, Honey, use those instincts to find out what happened. You know the time frame when it happened, you should be able to find the answers you need if you ask the right questions and talk to the right people.

How am I supposed to do that? What if he refuses to give me a chance? It's not like I can arrest him._ I could cuff him to me until he chooses to listen. _

I don't know what is going on with him, but I do know this. That man loves you Kate. I don't know what has caused his recent behavior but someone or something has shaken his faith in that future that you both seemed to want so desperately.

We were so close Daddy. I thought we were finally going to get there this time.

Are you giving up?

No. I just need to figure out how to make him tell what happened.

Do you love him?

_More than life itself. _You know I do. Have you ever seen me like this over a man before?

No. If you love him you need to tell him. It might be the only thing that will get his attention.

I didn't want to tell him like that. I wanted to make it perfect, special. I wanted to be ready.

You can't wait for the perfect time. There is no such thing, but you do owe that man the truth.

What if I waited too long?

I don't think that's it Kate. I don't think he would stick around this long and be happy with you in his arms like he was a few weeks ago, just to give it all up now. Something definitely caused this change and it wasn't waiting.

I'm almost afraid to find out.

Isn't it better to know than to drive yourself crazy wondering for the rest of your life and regret not fighting for the man you claim to love? Take it from me Katie, if you've found with Rick, the kind of love I shared with your mom, don't waste another second wondering. Life is too short and precious to waste over a stupid misunderstanding.

Thanks Daddy. You are pretty good at this "boy trouble" talk. Mom taught you well.

Go get him Katie.

Thanks Dad, I love you.

Love you too honey. Call me if you need me.

Bye.


	23. Chapter 23

**Castle's Loft, Kitchen**

Dad, what flavor do you want?

What do we have?

Rocky Road, Chunky Monkey, vanilla and strawberry.

Strawberry? _ Wait, why do we have strawberry? That's Kate's favorite...it must be left over from the last time she came over for a movie...how long ago was that?_

When did you start liking strawberry?

No, I ...uh...I don't. It's just …

So, what flavor do you want then? Oh, wait we have cherry cordial too.

_Kate smells like cherries._

Dad … flavor? Where is your head?

Huh? Rocky Road please.

If you changed your mind about the ice cream, it's okay.

No, I was just thinking about something.

Would that be a certain partner that you have been ignoring lately?

Guilty.

Is that your conscience talking?

I don't have a guilty conscience. I've just been thinking about all the stuff you said when we talked about Kate last week.

Back to Kate? Sounds like you aren't as angry at her anymore.

Let's just say that I had an eye-opening revelation after shadowing another detective this week.

You what? Who?

Detective Slaughter, he's in the gang unit and was working the severed heads case.

Why?

That's his job Pumpkin.

Don't Pumpkin me! Why were you shadowing someone else? What did Kate say?

_Why didn't I see it then? The look of pure joy she had on her face when she saw me with the two coffees. She looked so happy to see me, well at least until I asked what she knew about Slaughter. I bet she never did finish that coffee. As soon as she knew I wasn't really there to see her she set it down like it had burned her. _I couldn't write, I needed to try something new, I wanted …

Haven't you had enough of trying something new, Dad? What was her name?

That's not what I meant Alexis!

Dad! Are you going to tell me? What was this other cop like?

He was the complete opposite of Beckett and at first I thought that was the best thing ever.

At first? What happened?

Well, Pumpkin, let's just say I found out that the grass isn't always greener on the other side.

What does that even mean, Dad?

It means that while it was new and different I found myself really missing the "team" dynamic that I share with Kate and the guys. Slaughter was a loner and he was only concerned with getting his guy no matter what the cost or who got hurt in the process. He didn't even show any compassion for the victim's family. He just blurted it out, your son is dead! When Kate breaks the bad news it's like...it's

Like she knows what it feels like to be on the other side of that conversation, like she actually knows what those family members are going through.

Yeah, exactly. That's what makes her so extraordinary at her job.

Is Slaughter not a good cop?

No, he is. He is just so different. He wants to close the case and move on to the next, but Beckett wants to solve the case to give the families the closure she never got and take the bad people off the streets.

So did you stay with him and solve the case?

Not exactly. He crossed a line and I had to step away and ask my "old team" for help.

How did that go since you ditched them for that other detective? Did they take you back?

The guys told me they couldn't help me because they had just caught a body. They told me to talk to Beckett. She was in the conference room still doing trial prep.

I bet you showing up asking for her help went over like a lead balloon.

Actually, Kate did help me. She had been keeping tabs on what I was up to and ended up figuring out who the killer was. She showed me what it really meant to be someone's partner.

So are you guys okay?

I'm not really sure. I guess we have a few things to work through.

Well, I'm going to throw your question from earlier back at you then.

What question?

Do you want something badly enough to get over being hurt?

Yeah, I think I do.

Well then you better go back to your team tomorrow and start fixing things.

Now all I have to do is figure out how.

Just say you're sorry and go from there.

I wish it was that easy Alexis.

I'm headed upstairs to bed.

Good night Pumpkin.

Love you Dad.

**Castle's Loft, Office**

Richard?

Mother, when did you get home?

I just got here a few minutes ago. What's with all the mess in the kitchen?

Alexis and I had a discussion over a couple bowls of ice cream.

Stanford?

And Kate.

Okay, I know why Stanford came up, but why Beckett?

Alexis could tell that something was distracting me and put two and two together.

You are pretty transparent these days dear. What is it this time?

Alexis noticed that I called her Kate instead of detective or Beckett, so she asked what changed.

I'm all ears Richard.

I told her that I had an eye-opening revelation after shadowing another detective this week.

I take it, that means you found that very intense looking detective who was working the severed heads case we saw on the news the other day when you were hiding in your office playing with dolls?

Yes, I convinced him to let me ride along with him for this one case.

What did Beckett say about that, kiddo?

It's a long story. _Do I share all of it? She will be so mad when I tell her how much danger I was in._

I have all the time in the world.

_Do you? Do any of us? I was so close to telling Kate I didn't want to wait anymore. That I wanted her, I wanted us. That bombing made it very clear that life isn't guaranteed._

Richard!

He was the complete opposite of Beckett and at first I thought that was the best thing ever. He let me carry a gun and go through the door first and...

He let you what, Richard? What do you mean he let you carry a gun? Do you even know how to hold a gun?

Oh, yes and yes. I did some research on guns when I was writing Derek Storm books. I'm a good shot. Even impressed Beckett once. _That seems like a lifetime ago. She kind of hated me then._

Anyway, it was all so exciting. It was like I was a real cop. I got to take a suspect down and help interrogate a suspect. Slaughter was a brash, hard-nosed tough guy. He feeds on danger and adrenaline, I thought he would make a great new character for one of my books. At first, the whole experience was everything that I could have hoped for until I realized why this guy worked alone. Everyone tried to warn me that he was reckless and didn't care about anyone but himself. I tried to impress him by getting Esposito and Ryan to help us by running down some clues. I was so used to working within a team dynamic that I thought they would willingly run down the leads for me. I was surprised when they both asked me favors in return for their help. I think they felt like I was betraying Kate and their team by shadowing someone else. The boys even had to ride to our rescue when we went to talk to a suspect who Slaughter claimed was a two-bit punk and no real threat. It turned out that we had stumbled into a very precarious position with a Mexican gang who probably could have killed us if Ryan & Espo wouldn't have got there when they did. I was never more relieved to see the guys than at that very moment. They had my back even though they didn't approve of what I was doing.

Remind me to thank Javi & Kevin for keeping you safe the next time they come over for a poker night.

I did learn my lesson. I was actually becoming very nervous about shadowing Slaughter. The final straw was when he coached a witness into making false statements just to get a warrant on the leader of the Mexican gang. I told him I couldn't stand by and watch him do it and I was "out". I went to ask the guys to help me and they said they had caught a body and I should ask Beckett for help.

How did that go kiddo?

Well after I swallowed my pride, I told her why I needed her help. She explained that she wasn't allowed to interfere in another detective's case... that there were rules. I tried to appeal to her sense of justice and she asked me if I really thought she would fall for such blatant manipulation. I didn't know what to say to that but then she handed me a file with some traffic camera footage that she had told Ryan to pull in regards to the case. When I asked her if she did it for me, she just looked at me with a look I just couldn't place. I don't know if it was a "what do you think" or a "you're such a jackass" look. She ended up offering to come to the crime scene with me to try and figure things out. It was kind of like it was before but with a little more tension involved. As we were working through the events leading up to the murder, Slaughter showed up and lit into her about interfering in his case and said she wouldn't get away with it. When I asked her what that meant she said we had about an hour before the chief of detectives would call her in. She said best case scenario, she would get suspended and the worst case would mean that she would lose her job.

Richard Castle! You let her risk her career to help you?

Mother, I didn't know what she was sacrificing. I would never have let her go to that scene if I knew what it could cost her. I would never intentionally do anything to hurt her.

Not even parade a bimbo half your age through the precinct just to punish her for something she still doesn't know that she did?

I know and it wasn't one of my better moments. If I could undo that I would. I was just hurt and angry.

Why can't you two just talk things out instead of hurting each other with your insecurities and pride getting in the way? Richard, you're a writer. Use your words!

Can I finish the story now?

Go ahead dear.

As it turns out, Kate figured out who had killed the victim that was found with the shrunken heads and helped Slaughter get the confession. He decided to let the "interference" go unreported since he did get the bad guy. After everything was over I thanked Kate for having my back and she said, "that's what partners are supposed to do Castle".

Does this mean she still considers you her partner?

I'm not really sure what it means. We didn't talk about it. She had to get back to her trial preparation and I wanted to get home to Alexis and all of those acceptance letters.

I know you are still hurt that she remembers what you said to her in the cemetery and that she lied to you about it. I also know that you have come to the conclusion that she doesn't feel the same way about you but I think you might need to reconsider her reasoning behind the lie.

What are you saying, Mother?

Richard, do you remember what I asked you when you were still with Gina and you had that case with the male nurse where a female doctor was killed?

Do you mean when you asked, " if it came down to it would she break me out of jail"?

Yeah kiddo. Same rules apply here. Not only would Kate break you out of jail she would give up everything that makes her who she.

Are you saying...

I'm saying that Kate loves you! Even a blind man could see it!

I guess I need to answer my own question.

What question is that Dear?

I posed this question to Alexis earlier in regards to Stanford. Do you want something badly enough to get over being hurt?

Well, do you want to pursue a relationship with Kate?

_Do I want an "us" with Kate enough to forgive her for lying to me all this time? Why am I even having this conversation in my head.? Of course I want everything with Kate. I love her and I don't see that changing anytime soon. _

Richard?

More than anything!

Then I guess you have a little work to do then. I've said it before and I will say it again, Richard. You are a writer but you aren't very good at using your words when it counts.

Why does it only happen with her?

Maybe you can write her a letter telling her what you heard and how it made you feel. You can explain to her about your behavior without having to look her in the eye, especially since you guys are awful at talking about how you feel. It would be kind of poetic for you to write to her about how you feel since the Nikki Heat books have been love letters to her.

That's a very good idea. But isn't writing her a letter the coward's way out? Isn't this something I should actually say to her?

Richard, it is something that you two should actually talk about, but when have you two ever openly expressed your feeling as they relate to each other?

Once.

When?

When I told her I loved her when she was shot.

I would hardly call that a discussion, dear. She fell unconscious in your arms shortly after hearing you say it. Have you thought about telling her again? When she is fully conscious and can't deny hearing you say those three little words.

Mother, there hasn't been a day go by that I haven't thought about telling her again, but I told her that I would wait until she was ready. _Okay, except for a few days when I was pissed at the world after hearing that she remembered every second of her shooting._

Maybe her actions are trying to tell you that she is ready now. Maybe that is the only way she can tell you right now.

_God, what if Mother's right? What if Kate's trying to tell me she's ready? What if she is trying to say "I love you too"? _I think I am going to try to write for a while and do a little thinking.

What are you going to write, kiddo? A letter or the book?

Neither, both... I don't know yet.

Night Mother.

Happy writing kiddo!

_Let's hope my writer's block is gone and I can do something productive. I don't even know where to start. Maybe I should just open a new word document and see where my mind takes me. One way or the other it will lead me back to Kate. We will just have to wait and see which version of Kate I decide to write about, the real one or the fictional version. I do know this much, if she calls about a body drop, I'm going to get up, get dressed, put a smile on my face and meet her at the scene with two coffees in hand. Because that's what partners are supposed to do._


	24. Chapter 24

_Why am I here? Do I really want to be here? Kate hasn't even called me about a body drop or anything for that matter. I haven't even talked to her since that day that Slaughter punched me in the stomach. Should I have waited for her call? What if they have a case and she just didn't call me? Does she still want me as her partner? Does she think I have given up on her, on a future for us? Have I? Should I just take the elevator back downstairs and leave before anyone sees me? Would that make me as much of a coward as she is for not telling me she remembers? I did bring two coffees this morning though. I could always slip into the bullpen, put the coffee on her desk with a note to call me if something comes up. Then the ball will be in her court, if she wants me to be here she'll call. Right? What if she doesn't call, just like last summer? Do I want to get over being hurt? Is she worth it? What are the odds that she will be away from her desk? Will she accept the coffee? Here's your moment of truth, Castle...man-up or run and hide?_

Yo, Castle, what are you doing here?

_Damn, so much for sneaking in and leaving a note with her coffee. _Morning, Esposito. I just thought I would check in and see how your case was going.

I thought you preferred running around with the "cool kids". Did Slaughter kick you to the curb?

No, I decided I liked our team better.

He scared you off didn't he?

Yeah, maybe just a little.

How did things go with Beckett? Did she help you out with the severed heads case?

She helped me. _She risked everything for me._

Of course she did. That's what partners do, bro.

Yeah, that's what she said too.

So, back to bringing her coffee again?

Peace offering?

If it's a peace offering, you should have brought one for Honeymilk and me too. You didn't just dump Beckett, man. You dumped the whole team. Ryan said he felt like you were cheating on us.

Sorry?

Look, I don't know what is going on between you and the boss, but she hasn't been been the same since you started showing up with blondes at crime scenes.

What's that supposed to mean?

It means, she has been acting like the "old Beckett".

You're going to have to spell it out for me. I'm not following.

She has been like the Beckett that worked cases before you started following her around four years ago. She never smiles, she spends way too many hours at this place, it's like she doesn't like her job anymore and she seems so sad. The only thing that is new is that she has been avoiding coffee.

K...Beckett stopped drinking coffee? Can she even function without it?

Maybe it became more than a caffeine fix for her, Castle.

It's just coffee Espo. _It is so much more than that and you know it you idiot!_

Maybe to you but she used to get this look when you brought her coffee. Her eyes would actually light up. She's never looked at me or Ryan like that when we brought her a fresh cup. No matter how long of a day it had been.

Where is she?

She ran downstairs. She should be back in ten minutes. You gonna wait or disappear again?

Do you think I should stay?

Do you?

I don't know what I should do. Things have been a little strained between us lately.

Who's fault is that?

Why do you guys always assume that it's me who screwed things up?

Because it usually is.

I'll admit, I have done some stupid stuff over the time I have been shadowing her but she has made some mistakes too.

Who did it this time then Castle? What did she do to make you go from loyal puppy dog to jackass playboy? Bro, we've all seen how you look at her. Why don't you just tell her how you feel instead of bottling it all up?

I did tell her!

When?

Months ago and she pretended not to hear me!

What do you mean she pretended not to hear you?

She told me she didn't remember me telling her that I love her.

You actually said the "L" word bro?

Yes.

How can she not remember?

She does...she just lied to me and said she didn't remember.

Does this mean she admitted that she heard you?

Not to me.

What the hell? Then how do you know she lied?

She...She told a complete stranger...a suspect in the bombing case! But she couldn't tell me!

Wait.

What?

You were behind the glass...she was interrogating the kid with the backpack?

Bobby.

Does she know that you were there?

No.

Yo, are you saying Beckett still has no clue that you heard her?

No.

Why didn't you call her out on it? When did you become such a coward Castle?

I was angry, so I left.

Yeah, you had somewhere else to be and left the coffee on her desk.

What?

Don't you want to know how she feels about you, now that you know she remembers?

Isn't it obvious? She obviously doesn't feel the same way or she wouldn't have lied about remembering.

Are you really that blind Castle? I saw you guys together at her mother's benefit. She looked happier than I have ever seen her. I thought you guys finally figured it out this time.

What?

Don't make me hurt you man. You aren't the only one that sneaks those hopelessly in love glances at your partner. She is just way more subtle about it.

Then why did she lie?

She is the only one who can answer that one for you. All I can tell you is that I haven't seen her this torn up since that summer you took off for the Hamptons with ex number two.

Wait...What?

That's all I'm saying. You're a smart guy Castle. You like to solve mysteries...you have to figure this one out on your own. Or...you can ask the one person who can give you the answers that you are looking for.

Beckett.

If you ever tell her or anyone that we had this "touchy-feely" conversation, I will end you Castle!

**DING!**

Well, that sounds like the person with all of your answers has arrived. Are you man enough to ask her?

Thanks Esposito.

Don't thank me...just fix this!


	25. Chapter 25   Hope

**CASTLE'S LOFT (11pm)**

Richard, Darling, why do you look like a zombie?

Payback Mother.

Payback?

I had to get Alexis back for her treachery.

Was she scared?

She shrieked like the girl she is! Aah...victory!

I take it the case is over?

Yes, did you know there is a whole zombie subculture?

No.

How could I miss something like that?

You have been a little preoccupied for the last four years dear.

Seriously, Mother.

You want serious. I can do serious my boy. How did Beckett react when you told her this was your last case?

I didn't tell her.

Richard.

What?

You didn't tell her? What? Are you just not going to answer her calls anymore?

No.

I was serious when I told you that you should at least tell her why you are punishing her.

I changed my mind.

About what?

It wasn't my last case.

You can't turn off your feelings and you can't just ignore her and act like nothing happened.

You're right. I can't just turn them off. _Here we go...she is going to say I told you so. I can't believe I am admitting that she was right._

Excuse me, what was that you said Kiddo?

You heard me Mother. Don't make me say it again!

What changed since this case started? Did something happen Richard?

Kate happened.

Back to Kate?

She'll always be Kate. Even when I'm being an idiot.

You weren't an idiot. She lied to you.

But I acted like a jackass! I assumed I knew why she did it.

Yes, you did behave poorly. Wait...are you saying your assumptions were wrong?

I'm pretty sure.

Did you finally ask her why she lied all those months?

I didn't have to.

Did Kate volunteer the information?

In a manor of speaking.

English please Kiddo. I'm to tired to talk in circles.

During the case, one of our suspects couldn't remember what happened. His mind was blank. After talking to him, Kate and I stepped out into the hall discuss the the possibility that he really didn't remember killing the victim.

And?

Kate asked me if I thought he was lying and I said to her, "when a life altering moment occurs, people remember".

Subtle you're not. How did she react to that statement?

She said, "Maybe it's too big to deal with, maybe he can't face it just yet." And then I asked her, "Do you think he ever will be?". Then she came back with, "Hopefully, if he feels safe."

Are we talking about your suspect or Detective Beckett?

Both Mother. You know we can never just say anything. Everything is done in subtext and looks.

You are horrible with words when it counts, especially when it comes to the one person you so desperately need to communicate with right now.

I know, but we never got to continue that conversation because the medical examiner came up and told us that our suspect was given some kind of drug that is referred to as the "zombie" drug and one of the side effects is loss of memory.

So he really couldn't remember?

Nope...his mind really was a blank.

Unlike Beckett's.

Yeah, but it almost seemed like things were better between us. Ryan even commented that it was good to see Kate and I hitting it off again. We had some of our banter back and there wasn't as much tension between us.

Was that before or after your talk about life altering moments?

Both. There was a little tension at first but as the case went on it got easier between us.

So have you forgiven her?

Maybe.

Either you have or you haven't. You seem more hopeful. You aren't moping around in your robe. Did something else happen between you two?

Yes.

Richard?

We talked a little more after the case was over and …

And what?

Let's just say...I have hope. Kate shared something very personal about herself that gave me hope again.

What kind of hope?

Hope for a future for us.

Oh, kiddo, I hope you know what you're doing.

I do. I love her. I have to stand by her and see where we go from here. For now that means going to work with her everyday and being her partner. I just have to keep showing up.

Richard, no one wants you to be happy more than I do. I just don't want to see you end up with a broken heart.

I know Mother, but I just can't walk away after everything we've been through together.

Good night dear.

Night.

**LANIE'S APARTMENT (11pm)**

Girl, if you don't tell me what you are doing here, imma smack you!

Lanie, I needed to talk to you.

What did he do now? He didn't show up at another crime scene with a new bimbo did he?

No. Why do you think it's about Castle?

It's always been about him, honey.

Fine...I need to talk to you about him.

This better be good Kate. You don't just show up at my place this late unless it's important. Did something happen?

He showed up at a crime scene.

And that is a big deal because?

He thanked me for calling him and then made some cryptic comment to Perlmutter about treasuring the moments they had shared.

Him and Perlmutter? What the hell does that mean?

I'm not sure but it almost seemed like he was trying to tell me something.

Like what. _Like he was leaving again. He would've told me, right?_

He never said anything, but he gave me this look right after he said it and saw my reaction.

Girl, we both know that you two can have entire conversations without speaking a word.

Not lately. We haven't done that since the bombing case. I miss it...that connection we had.

You got it bad honey! You are hopelessly in love with Richard Castle.

Shut up!

If I gotta shut up. You better start talking or you can take your skinny butt and leave so I can go back to my nice warm bed.

Fine.

What happened to make you come here? Is it a good or bad?

Good...I think.

Girl!

Okay, fine. It seemed almost like before.

Before what?

Before Castle started being a jackass!

What do you mean?

There was definitely tension at the beginning of the case but as it went on it seemed like we fell back into our norm. There was teasing, humor, theory building and no running off for lunch dates. _ Thank God!_

Really? This is what you woke me for? There better be more than this. No eye sex, no longing looks?

Not from him._ I know I caught myself a few times just thinking what if and staring at him._

Okay. Out with it. What did he do?

He didn't do anything other than show up, work the case and have a couple meaningful conversations with me.

You guys used actual words?

Very funny. Do you want me to share or not?

Is that what you are trying to do hear?

Yes, we used real words but also a lot of subtext as well. We talked about people remembering life altering moments and then later...

Did you tell him you remember?

Not exactly. We kind of talked around that topic. We started the conversation about our suspect not remembering and Castle said said that when someone has a life altering event they remember it.

What did you say?

I just told him that maybe it was too big to deal with.

Lame!

Lanie. I know we were talking in subtext here...but I'm trying.

Try harder. You two need to spend a hour locked in a room so you either talk it out or make-out!''

I think I might have actually made a confession of sorts to him when the case was over.

A confession? Is it juicy?

I admitted to Rick that I am seeing a therapist and that I am almost where I want to be. I told him that I am almost in a place where I can accept everything that happened that day in the cemetery.

Are you?

Yeah.

What did writer-boy say when you told him?

He seemed surprised that I was in therapy but he said he thinks he understands what I was saying.

What were you saying?

That I'm almost ready to accept that he told me he loved me.

Are you ready to admit to him that you are in love with him?

Yeah, I told him that I thought the wall around my heart was starting to come down and I wanted him to be there when it did. He said he would like to be there too.

Oh, sweetie. That was such a huge step for you.

I know. The therapy has helped. I just wish it was easier and I could say those three little words that I know he is waiting for me to say back to him.

You'll get there.

I don't want to waste anymore time. _We've wasted so much time already._

So I guess you and writer-boy have patched things up?

It's not like before the bombing case but it's better than it has been over the last few weeks. I asked him if he would be in tomorrow and said he would.

I'm sure he will be there bright and early...coffee in hand.

I'm looking forward to it. Even if it's just coffee and paperwork.

Sweetie, you sound so hopeful.

I know. He gave me my hope back today.

I'm glad. I just want to see you happy Kate.

I want to be happy too.

And Castle can make you happy? _You don't have to say it girl...it is written all over your face._

You have no idea. _I don't think I do either, but I really want to find out._

Girl, I hate to do this to you, but I need to get to bed. I have to be at the morgue by six.

Are you kicking me out? This is my reward for sharing?

Kate Beckett! Don't make me smack you!

Fine. Thanks for letting me in and listening to me Lanie.

See you tomorrow.

Until tomorrow Lanie! _Rick was right, until tomorrow really does sound more hopeful._


	26. Chapter 26

"Lets go get a beer. I'm buying." Javi says after seeing the evidence of Ryan's commitment to their partnership on the television.

"Okay, but not at a sports bar." Ryan grunts after witnessing their beating on the TV.

"How about the Old Haunt?" Espo wonders aloud, trying to come up with an agreeable location to have that drink.

"Fine by me. Let Castle pick up the tab." Ryan grins, "I'm sure he won't mind."

"I still can't believe you took that punch for me bro." Javi says shaking his head.

"Javier, I told you once, that's what partners do. Right?" Ryan says in a serious tone.

"Yes, partners. But things weren't good with us." Espo says is disbelief.

"Still partners though." Kevin states, looking his partner in the eyes.

"I'm still not okay with you going to Gates." Espo says with a glare.

"Javi, I had to. If I hadn't, we would be attending Beckett's funeral. You know she loses all perspective when it comes to her mom's case. I understand you having her back and going after Maddox, but I didn't agree with how you were doing it." Kevin says, explaining his side of things.

"I had to go with her Kevin. I know how she is too but I couldn't let her go alone! I had to make sure somebody had her back! She would have ended up dead for sure. If Gates would have gotten wind of what we were doing sooner, she would have sent the boss home and she still wouldn't know who is behind her mom's murder." Esposito answers with his own thoughts on the rift that formed between them.

"We both did what we thought was best for her. I'm just sorry you felt that I stabbed you in the back." Kevin says shaking his head as he looks down at his feet refusing to maintain eye contact.

"I'm still mad about it but we're partners. It's gonna take some time man." Javi states matter-of-factly. "But we will be okay."

"I was surprised to see Castle when we got the call about the body drop." Ryan says switching to an easier topic.

"It seems like Castle is back on the team again. I guess Mom and Dad made up?" Javi wonders aloud.

"Guess so, he was at her place last week when I went to see her about Maddox. When I showed Beckett the picture of Mr. Smith from Captain Montgomery's wedding album, it was Castle that knew who he was. Apparently, he had talked to the guy and kept it from her. I'm guessing that his not telling her, led to him getting kicked off the team." Kevin lays out the information that Espo hadn't been privy to since he wasn't at Kate's place at the time. "He seemed nervous about something though. He was acting a little weird...there was a little tension in the room." He adds shrugging his shoulders.

"Maybe he was just worried about her. You know how he feels about her. Maybe you interrupted something! Maybe they were still trying to fix things... Maybe they were doing something else." Esposito adds with a wry smile.

"Dude! Do you think that..." Kevin stops, not wanting to voice the thought about his two friends.

"No! She's way too stubborn. She has wanted him ever since that summer he left with ex # 2 and hasn't done anything about it... Why would that change now?" Javier says adamantly while shaking his head.

"Well she did almost die again! And he wasn't there to save her this time. Maybe she..." He starts, but sees his partner shaking his head no.

"Nah. You know them. They always fight and eventually work it out. It's what they do." He says as he brings his beer to his mouth for a drink.

"Yeah, but this is the first summer since we've known him that he hasn't disappeared over the summer." Ryan argues, trying to find some logic in all of this.

"Not true. He stayed last summer..." Esposito says with a far off glance, maybe getting lost in the aftermath of Beckett's shooting.

"Yeah, but she was gone and had frozen him out. He was trying to help us find her shooter." Ryan adds as an afterthought, not really helping his own argument.

"Well they're both here this time! And, from what I heard Mrs R. and Little Castle are in Europe celebrating her graduation. Why wouldn't he be with them? It's his last summer with her before she starts college in the fall." Espo theorizes about Castle's continued attendance at the precinct.

"We were still dealing with Maddox when they left, right?" Kevin tries to justify Rick still being in town.

"Don't know, but Beckett was still suspended after that but he stuck around." Javi adds.

"I guess we are gonna have to keep an eye on Mom and Dad!" Kevin shrugs with a big grin on his face. "We need to see what Lanie knows, her and Beckett talk."

"Lanie said something at the crime scene about Beckett being different but she couldn't put her finger on it." Javi shares his one-time girlfriend's observation. "He didn't even bring her coffee on her first day back from suspension Bro." He adds before taking another swig of his beer.

"Four years of bringing her coffee every morning and he suddenly forgets? Maybe he didn't have time." Kevin mumbles trying to give Castle the benefit of the doubt.

"Dude he had his coffee, just not hers. I called him out on it when they walked up but she said she had already forgiven him." Esposito grumbles.

"She didn't even give him a hard time about it? No Beckett glare, nothing?" Ryan blurts, obviously surprised that Castle got off so easy.

"Nope, it was weird man!" Espo groans with an expression of someone who bit into a lemon.

"Maybe he's giving up and the no coffee thing is just the start of him pulling away like he did last year after the bombing case and when he left with ex # 2." Kevin says remembering other times that Castle has failed to bring their boss her morning jolt of caffeine.

"Yeah he did go out on a date with that hot chica from the television station." Javi says with a leer.

"I wish mom and dad would just admit how they feel." Ryan mutters under his breath or so he thought.

"Not gonna happen. I think Beckett missed her chance...again." Espo growls.

"There is something different between them though." Ryan utters as his grabs his beer.

"Finish your beer Bro! We sound like a bunch of girls talking about feelings and stuff. That is wrong on so many levels!" Javi says as he takes the last gulp of beer from his bottle.

"Yeah, I think we've been hanging around Castle too much." Ryan smirks before draining the bottle.

"In that case, we should have another round since he's picking up the tab." The partners grin and try to get the bartender's attention for their next round.


End file.
